How do I control / fix the thoughts in my head regarding Performance Anxiety?

[peterlduggan]

I'm a healthy 63 but the meds I'm on affect my performance / erection. Meds are for a stent in my heart and enlarged prostate.  I can get an erection before and after intimacy but the minute we start, what's between my ears kicks in.  How do I change that ?

[auntiejessi]

I don't know if this will help, but all of this matters more to you than your partner, probably. How's the foreplay? Good foreplay can be an entire event, really. And if your partners have a vagina, and she's already reached orgasm, there is less pressure for you, right? If your partners have a penis, you can always use your fingers or a toy for prostate stimulation to make that happen, before or after, depending on which your partner prefers.

I understand it's not what you want, ultimately, but it might take some of the pressure off, easing what's happening between your ears.

Have you shared your concerns with your partner(s)? Ask them for other ways you might please them - fingers, mouth, toys, whatever.

And what is going on in your head? I'm assuming fear of not maintaining an erection, which then causes stress, which then makes your erection go away, so you're in an ugly cycle, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Is there a voice telling you that you aren't "manly"? If that's the case, women don't view manhood or masculinity through your penis. I don't know if your partners are women, so that may not be of any concern to you whatsoever, but I'd bet your partner, no matter their gender, would agree with me.

Are you allowing your partners to please you in ways other than intercourse? That may help, too, if you are open to those things.

Basically, my advice, as a 50something woman, would be to communicate and experiment. :) I'd also tell you to stop thinking, but I realize that's way easier said than done.

[peterlduggan]

Thank you.  This does help.  We've only been together for 2 months and recently got physical.  She's VERY understanding and wants to help me in any way she can.  The voice in my head tells me, 'ur not getting an erection', even when I take Cialis.  However, some hours later when I'm along, major erection.  SO it's utterly between my ears.  We're quiet playful but probably could do more in order to take my mind off that aspect of getting it or not getting it.  It's like trying to change the lines on an old style LP as it's playing :)

[auntiejessi]

Yes, that's the issue with Cialis - the results aren't instant. Now that you've become intimate with your partner, perhaps you can better plan on when to take that so that it happens when you're together and not later, at home alone.

It's a newer relationship, so as time goes on, this may get easier, as you both become more familiar with sharing things. It sounds like she really cares about you, so let her help.

Since you went with the LP analogy, maybe imagine yourself taking the record off the record player entirely, or turning it off. Don't just try to change the lines - shut the whole thing off, or put a different one on instead, one that's telling you that you're going to get all the erections you want, or that you will get an erection, and it's going to be a great time for all. :)

[Paxiled]

Just want to say, as someone who had surgery for an enlarged prostate and a surgeon who sent me back to normal activity way too soon, I have problems as well.  I don't take any med to help me, but I get random erections so the equipment works but it's pretty iffy when I want to have sex with my wife.  And it can last for hours when I want to sleep and go away quickly when I have sex.  So it's a possibility that it is the meds you're taking.  It's not impossible just because the equipment works sometimes.  If it's not that and it's between your ears, I had that once when I was a lot younger, and eventually it went away.  Now, if you're taking a med, that should work so the above might be right, you may not be taking it at the right time.  I've never gone that route.  Right now I'm using herbs, because meds always come with problems so I haven't gone there yet, but I'm sure the time will come.  My main point is, overthinking things is an anxiety and insecurity thing.  But it's not necessarily how the things starts.  In my case when I was young, I was just exhausted from finals and my Mom being hospitalized with cancer.  It became mental, however, when things happened in the relationship that weren't welcome.  It went away when I stopped seeing that person.  So I've had both the mental kind and the physical kind.  Both are unpleasant.  I know that the other ways of having sex feel good but don't satisfy.  It's true.  But they can calm you down and get you to stop thinking about it.  What I can tell you is, if it's mental, finding any way to calm yourself down, like a really impulsive sexual experience that is totally unplanned and it goes well will probably end that part of it.  But if it's your medication, that's a different story, and it is possible it is and if the Cialis isn't working, I'd want to know why.  Peace.

[peterlduggan]

Thank you guys for the comments etc.  They really help.