Mental sexual attraction flatline - please help

[Teamsupport777]

BFF has an issue for last 12 years where his penis will go erect and he can feel good and ejaculate but he can’t feel the euphoric feeling in his brain that normally goes with it. He used to have it up until he was 23 and had sex regularly. Now, he wants to feel love and have that connection but it’s not working. He has the perfect girl for him that he wants but he can’t feel it. He thinks he is a “flatline” or “broken.”  He’s terrified and it’s to the point where he breaks down and can’t function. Begging for help.

[Paxiled]

This is a bit confusing.  You seem to indicate he stopped having sex regularly at age 23, if I'm reading this correctly, as you say that he felt euphoria until he stopped having sex regularly at that age.  I might be reading this wrong, but at any rate, it sounds  to me like something happened to him at age 23.  He might have had a terrible break-up that left him sexually depressed.  It's not hormonal, I wouldn't think, because his body functions as it should, and at his age that's just not very common, it sounds more emotional to me.  Or it might even be that he just got older and his sexual enjoyment changed.  He might have been using drugs and stopped, dulling the experience, and didn't find a way to plug into that naturally.  It might be when he was young he had sex with young women who looked sexy and didn't wear a lot clothing and as he got older those women didn't like him anymore or he wasn't meeting them anymore.  Men aren't all the same.  Just as many women as men are in it for the ego fulfillment rather than the relationship, so that's a myth.  Yes, some men like the chase but as they age they might keep doing that but I know men like that and they aren't particularly thrilled being that way.  But I also have known a lot of women who pile up conquests as well or go for rich men they don't really like or build a weak ego by having sex.  It's not a one sex thing.  I also think low dopamine is very rare.  It's a bit of a scientific myth put out by pharmaceutical companies trying to sell medication, just as they did with serotonin.  It's seldom true.  You can burn it out by taking meds, though, or taking too many drugs, so is that something he does or did?  And I agree, just because you think you're perfect for him doesn't make it so.  Fact is, there is no perfect partners out there.  People fall in love with lots of people over a lifetime, and they're all different and we love them in different ways and for different reasons.  None of us has just one person out there, though we can talk ourselves into that and ruin a life doing so (I plead guilty).  What I want to know is, assuming what you're reporting here is actually the truth, and the actual truth is locked up inside his brain so only he truly knows it, I still want to know what happened at age 23?  Is he depressed?  And frankly, if he is able to reach orgasm, it always feels pretty darned good even when you don't even like the person you're with.  Maybe not euphoria, but how much in life is?  Lots of questions, to me at least, and no answers given the little that has been said here and none of it by the person we're talking about.  Peace.

[Teamsupport777]

Hi, thank you for your response. I don’t think or say that I’m the perfect person for him or for anyone. He feels that I am and that if he doesn’t feel it for me that he should just give up and assume it will never happen for him. He’s very serious. He even worries that maybe he changed to gay.  I disagree. He doesn’t have attraction for men either. I support him no matter who he falls for. I love him wholeheartedly and want him to be happy. He also worries he could have changed to Asexual but he wasn’t before. He stopped feeling attraction for anyone after around 23 and says there was no trauma, no bad breakup, and he doesn’t do drugs. Many ppl are attracted to him and approach him. He’s one of the most innocent hearted men I’ve ever met and exceptionally special. If he is able to fall in love with anyone I will be there supporting him no matter who it is. I just want him to be happy. If it’s me, I’ll take it but if it’s not I will be there supporting him because I absolutely love him! Any suggestions are welcome.

[Paxiled]

My suggestion is the same as Annie's, which is, it won't hurt to see a doctor and get some blood work, but the chances of him having something wrong hormonally at such a young age is infinitesimal, though not impossible.  Again, most dopamine problems are caused by medication or other drugs, and you say he doesn't use them.  But they're also very difficult to actually discover.  And if it was testosterone he would be having problems with the erection, not necessarily the desire.  He sounds depressed to me, but I obviously don't know him.  As for falling in love, you know, that happens when it happens, but it can't happen if you stop interacting with people romantically.  So when Annie suggests therapy, I'm in agreement, as it seems to be bothering him a great deal.  The question really is why, as again, if he is able to get an erection and is able to orgasm, the mechanics of an orgasm especially for a man (because a male orgasm has the purpose of pushing the sperm forward and therefore has to be pretty strong to do that) mean it always feels really good but is it always euphoric?  No, it isn't.  That only happens when under the influence of something like marijuana (which if it's legal where he lives might help him with this but then it can also make it hard to enjoy sex for awhile if one stops using it, as most of us do) or extreme attraction to someone.  Otherwise, it feels great, but again, euphoric?  That's asking a bit much, at least to me.  

[AnnieBrooke]

The following article mentions the release of dopamine after having sex, giving a euphoric feeling. Maybe your friend could talk to a doctor and say he thinks this is missing and ask if that indicates anything physical.
https://www.bustle.com/p/7-weird-things-that-happen-to-your-brain-after-sex-7866791

[AnnieBrooke]

And, if that theory seems to ring a bell for him, here's another article about dopamine levels that gives some reasons they can get low, and some diet and other ways to try to improve them:
https://www.verywellmind.com/common-symptoms-of-low-dopamine-5120239

[Teamsupport777]

Thank you!

[AnnieBrooke]

In short, he should talk to his doctor, maybe get a referral to a specialist to check things like hormones, thyroid and all that, and then if nothing is unusual, talk to a therapist, especially if this is really distressing him. If it's not a medical problem, it might be uncovered with therapy. Loss of sexual excitement is not worth being terrified and not being able to function in his life. (I mean, sex isn't even worth going to that much trouble. His reaction is outsized,  for something that might be diagnosable and fixable.) That's what doctors are for.

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you know this much about him because you're the girl? I'm trying to imagine someone telling something this intimate to a BFF; the love and concern in what you wrote sounds more like you're someone who loves him. I'm asking because if you're the "perfect girl for him" that you mention, I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying that he might have an idea in his mind of what constitutes an ideal girlfriend and the girl fits the bill, but maybe he just doesn't find her or the situation very sexy. For some guys, the thrill is in the chase, and once he has won the prize he loses interest. Or, they pick someone because she is pretty and has a background and education that is impressive, but ultimately the guy realizes she's not that exciting to him even though she checks all of the boxes to his family or his sense of what an ideal girlfriend should be.

The other thing is, if he can feel good and ejaculate, it might be asking a lot to always have "euphoria" along with it. Especially after a couple of years in a relationship, the froth of courtship goes down, and a longer-term love takes over, and it's not really characterized by euphoria.

But if he's saying he doesn't find *any* woman particularly sexy, then that's another thing. He could go to his doctor and get his hormone levels checked.