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Depressed husband won't seek help
My husband has been suffering with depression for over a year now. He lost a friend in a tragic motorbike accident 2 year ago. He ran a kungfu club with him and immediately took over the running of it alone along with workin long hours and financial stress I think these have been the triggers.. At the beginning of the year he was angry and aggressive all of the time but now he's like an empty shell..He's started to admit it abit but mostly blames me which I think he finds easier.. He says he wants to try and stay in the marriage but nothing is changing and he won't seek help. He carries on working as much as possible and is distant and sleeps downstairs rather than come to bed.. I only get a hug when I ask..I feel like I'm alone in this marriage but love him dearly.. I feel grief! Other than give him an ultimatum I'm at a loss as what else I can do. I've went to a debt charity which has been a huge relief..I don't want to give up on him he's in there somewhere. I'm 40 and hes 41 and we've been together since the age of 15.. Any advice on this situation is welcome.
Best Answer
The situation you are in right now is quite devastating and I could only imagine how tough you have tried to be for the past years of being with someone who has depression.
Have you tried talking with your husband about your ordeal? If you have been together since 15, you should already have that special and strong connection. Ask him what he really feels about you, his friend’s death and the things that bother him at present. Find time to tell him the things you worry about this past few months and honestly tell him about how you feel. Try to communicate with him even if he resists because according to you, he is still in there. You just need to break through that wall or that shell that he created after his depressing and traumatic experience.
Still haven’t seen any improvements? It’s high time for the both of you to talk to a counselor, together as man and wife and not individually. Yes he has troubles of his own and you do have your own issues as well but it is best to address this as a couple and not as separate individuals since this is already starting to affect your relationship. Did you try asking him about taking to a medical expert of have you tried opening the possibilities of the both of you getting into marriage counselling? You should. Since you really do love him and you value the relationship that you have cherished together for almost a lifetime, you should work hard on keeping the love and the faith between the two of you alive. Of course, sometimes you’ll feel a little quite depressed to see yourself doing your best and then he on the other hands remains to be a faceless and emotionless stranger. This is natural. But the moment you give up on him you’ll be facing even harder situations and more problems in the future. Do you have kids? If yes, the kids are also starting to suffer as well. It is a family we are talking about here. The more you delay the opportunity of getting help, the harder it will be to recover and go back to how it was before.
Fight for the things you value and treasure the most, in this case, your husband and your family. The harder you fight simply means that you are really into making this relationship work again. You can help him get out of his deep hole. Believe in yourself and have faith on him and on yourself as well.
Have you tried talking with your husband about your ordeal? If you have been together since 15, you should already have that special and strong connection. Ask him what he really feels about you, his friend’s death and the things that bother him at present. Find time to tell him the things you worry about this past few months and honestly tell him about how you feel. Try to communicate with him even if he resists because according to you, he is still in there. You just need to break through that wall or that shell that he created after his depressing and traumatic experience.
Still haven’t seen any improvements? It’s high time for the both of you to talk to a counselor, together as man and wife and not individually. Yes he has troubles of his own and you do have your own issues as well but it is best to address this as a couple and not as separate individuals since this is already starting to affect your relationship. Did you try asking him about taking to a medical expert of have you tried opening the possibilities of the both of you getting into marriage counselling? You should. Since you really do love him and you value the relationship that you have cherished together for almost a lifetime, you should work hard on keeping the love and the faith between the two of you alive. Of course, sometimes you’ll feel a little quite depressed to see yourself doing your best and then he on the other hands remains to be a faceless and emotionless stranger. This is natural. But the moment you give up on him you’ll be facing even harder situations and more problems in the future. Do you have kids? If yes, the kids are also starting to suffer as well. It is a family we are talking about here. The more you delay the opportunity of getting help, the harder it will be to recover and go back to how it was before.
Fight for the things you value and treasure the most, in this case, your husband and your family. The harder you fight simply means that you are really into making this relationship work again. You can help him get out of his deep hole. Believe in yourself and have faith on him and on yourself as well.
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Hello Sybro,
Welcome to the Depression Support For Families. I see you joined Med help this month. I just finished reading your comments. I guess I will start off by saying everyone handles and experiences depression differently.
I think men deal with depression differently than women deal with depression. Based on your comments, it does sound to me that your husband has been suffering with depression. In my opinion, there are usually a number of factors that bring on a depression, in your husband's case I would venture to guess the death of his friend, the stress of taking the business over and running it by himself, financial stress. You say you two have been together since the age of 15. That's a long time of being together.
Most men do not want to admit they are in a depression or feeling depressed. There is a stigma with depression. That somehow the person who is depressed is mentally imbalanced or weak. It's not true of course , but nevertheless the stigma is there. Depression is an illness. As someone who has been through a depression more than 10 years ago, I can tell you that depression really is a struggle. It must be very hard to live the way you are living right now with your husband being so distant. It must feel very lonely, but your husband is hurting too. It sounds to me like you and your husband need to go to see a marriage counsellor. You say you love your husband. You are wise not to give an ultimatum to your husband. That never works anyway and may just escalate the situation. My ex husband and I were having problems too in our marriage. I told my ex husband that if he didn't agree to go to the marriage counselling , our marriage was over.
Let me just say that looking back I should have phrased it differently.
My ex husband was not going through a depression though. We had other issues and had only been together five years. Anyway, my ex husband agreed to go to and see the marriage counsellor with me. Our marriage counsellor was very good. I learned about the way my ex husband thought and felt about things. We were married for five years , but we had been together for eight years. The reason I am sharing all this with you is to give you a glimpse what marriage counselling is like. My ex and I only went to one marriage counselling session and the counsellor ended up saying we should go home and talk some more. I still think to this day that the marriage counselling session needed to happen. My ex husband and I ended up separating and later divorcing, but for couples in trouble, I still think that marriage counselling is the way to go. I should also add that my ex husband has remarried and I remarried too. A word to the wise. Your husband is experiencing depression so if you want to go to a marriage counsellor find a gentle way of asking him. Here is what I would not do. Find a marriage counsellor, make an appointment and then tell your husband that the two of you have an appointment with a marriage counsellor. That would probably escalate things big time. Rather you could tell your husband that you and he needed to sit down and talk. I also want you to remember that when you are in a depression you are not thinking straight. Some people are really feeling paranoid and just want to be alone. They don't want to be out in public.
However, your situation cannot go on as it is. When you talk to your husband you could start off by saying some positive things about him and show a lot of empathy , after all, you say you do love him. I would not give up on this relationship. You have put a lot of time and effort into your marriage, but if you don't do anything, your husband could slip deeper in depression and you don't want that. A marriage counsellor may be able to save your relationship. I wish both you and your husband the best. Eve