Chronic mental illness, unless you find a physiological reason for it, makes no sense. Trying to turn it into something logical just doesn't end up getting anywhere. Some of us develop mental illness because of traumatic things that happen to us and some of us just have it and never find any original trigger for it. Either way, when you get to the point where you are suicidal and are hospitalized, you need to have a permanent psychiatrist and a psychologist as well if your psychiatrist doesn't do therapy until such time as the problem goes away, which it might and might not. The fact you don't like your current practitioner means you need to find a different one you do like. Usually, people come out of hospitalization on medication. Are you on meds? And don't be afraid to tell your parents. You need support. We all can use support. Some of us can get it, some of us can't, but do try. If you stay under care of a professional, you can both work on adjusting to your changes and can also keep you working on trying to figure it all out so maybe one day you can overcome the whole mess. You're young, and that's an advantage -- you have energy and are adaptable, more so than you think. But you do need help.