Aa
I need help. I can't take this anymore.
Hi all, i am having really a hard time due to long term depression and tremendous mess that i did that consumes me day by day.
I have bee dealing with mental health issues for quite a while. Anxiety and hypochondria which turned into crippling depression overtime. Last summer I did something terrible, unforgivable,evil. I was in a odd mental state and in desperation of feeling better i started to experiment with Ritalin , which led to abuse. One night i was wired and it made me horny, you guessed it; i cheated on my partner, the only person who was always there for me, i betrayed her. And not with anyone, a sex worker, which ended not being like the ads post and a old ugly heroin addict. And you know what i still did it.
I am a disgusting being. Why ? That's the question that is turning in my head , who will to this , especially considering that i have loving and attractive woman at my side. That night i did not come home, i went to cry like a baby sitting on the verge of the bridge contemplating suicide until a state trooper noticed me and picked me up.I went straight to psychiatrist that day. Once came home, i was not the same person anymore, my soul have jump that bridge. My loving wife asked me what happened. Being a coward and unable to justify this **** i acknowledged that i had depressive episode but could not confess, could not confess because im a coward but also because i genuinely don't know why would i do this. Was i looking for some kind of excitement and adventure to snap out of my depression ? But the worse thing is with who: a old repulsive drug addict that even consumed in front of my eyes. I am currently shaking while i write this i am repulsed by myself.
As mentioned, hypochondria is something that i struggle yet, that night i was an animal who had no consideration for consequence and tremendous pain. My depression hit all time low, i could not keep my job, i am mentally tortured by this, by the possibility of catching a disease and exposing the person that i love the most. I had to wait to test for everything 6 months, and it was hell, pure hell. Test came back clean, but there is no way to test HPV in men, you know the leading cause of cervical cancer? All of this eats me inside to the point that im not able to function. I went to see a physician and currently i take SNRI to treat this, but it does not help at all. I am broken.
Desperately i tried to blame my mental state and leave my soulmate, but she didnt understand why, and neither do i, i love her, so much. I suffer everyday with mental images of that incident that turn in my head on replay and i cannot forgive myself for this.
I have bee dealing with mental health issues for quite a while. Anxiety and hypochondria which turned into crippling depression overtime. Last summer I did something terrible, unforgivable,evil. I was in a odd mental state and in desperation of feeling better i started to experiment with Ritalin , which led to abuse. One night i was wired and it made me horny, you guessed it; i cheated on my partner, the only person who was always there for me, i betrayed her. And not with anyone, a sex worker, which ended not being like the ads post and a old ugly heroin addict. And you know what i still did it.
I am a disgusting being. Why ? That's the question that is turning in my head , who will to this , especially considering that i have loving and attractive woman at my side. That night i did not come home, i went to cry like a baby sitting on the verge of the bridge contemplating suicide until a state trooper noticed me and picked me up.I went straight to psychiatrist that day. Once came home, i was not the same person anymore, my soul have jump that bridge. My loving wife asked me what happened. Being a coward and unable to justify this **** i acknowledged that i had depressive episode but could not confess, could not confess because im a coward but also because i genuinely don't know why would i do this. Was i looking for some kind of excitement and adventure to snap out of my depression ? But the worse thing is with who: a old repulsive drug addict that even consumed in front of my eyes. I am currently shaking while i write this i am repulsed by myself.
As mentioned, hypochondria is something that i struggle yet, that night i was an animal who had no consideration for consequence and tremendous pain. My depression hit all time low, i could not keep my job, i am mentally tortured by this, by the possibility of catching a disease and exposing the person that i love the most. I had to wait to test for everything 6 months, and it was hell, pure hell. Test came back clean, but there is no way to test HPV in men, you know the leading cause of cervical cancer? All of this eats me inside to the point that im not able to function. I went to see a physician and currently i take SNRI to treat this, but it does not help at all. I am broken.
Desperately i tried to blame my mental state and leave my soulmate, but she didnt understand why, and neither do i, i love her, so much. I suffer everyday with mental images of that incident that turn in my head on replay and i cannot forgive myself for this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this torture.
I understand why you may have been prescribed medication to help treat your depression, but it seems that your major issue right now is the singular event, and the guilt that is consuming you. Are you able to access mental health counseling?
I understand why you may have been prescribed medication to help treat your depression, but it seems that your major issue right now is the singular event, and the guilt that is consuming you. Are you able to access mental health counseling?
6 Comments
I am on a waiting list for a psychiatrist, which may take a while. I am just lost , i never confessed about this and im not sure if i can save my relationship at this point
My opinion: Do NOT confess to your partner. Confessing to your partner is actually the more cowardly of the two options, because you relieve yourself of guilt, while placing the burden of distress on your partner. You would be damaging her feelings to unburden yourself. Also, it seems likely that your relationship would end.
I hope you are sharing with your doctor the depth of your despair, and the fact that the meds aren't helping you. Getting the right meds and the right dose of mental health medications is often a process of trial-and-error, so this specific med might not be the best one for you.
I hope you are sharing with your doctor the depth of your despair, and the fact that the meds aren't helping you. Getting the right meds and the right dose of mental health medications is often a process of trial-and-error, so this specific med might not be the best one for you.
I agree 100% with curfewX, both as a woman and as someone who answers in the STD forum.
And you aren't actually defeated - you are here posting for help. You are getting help.
Even if you did get HPV, and you don't know that you did, it doesn't mean that your wife will get cervical cancer. If she gets her pap smears, it probably won't ever come to that if she does get HPV. You thinking this way is called catastrophic thinking - a common cognitive distortion or thought pattern. Catastrophic thinking is when you go to the worst possible outcome. "I cheated, I'm a horrible person, and deserve the worst. What's the worst? I can kill my loving wife, and since I don't have HIV, it must be HPV and cervical cancer."
Realistically, we know that cervical cancer isn't that common, and dying from it now is very uncommon.
What is really important is that you get some help. A psychiatrist can help you sort your meds out to find what works for you. A counselor can help you work on your guilt, depression and thinking distortions. You probably need both.
As curfew said, I hope you are working with your doctor about your meds. It's often trial and error.
You are not a terrible person. You are a good person who's made some mistakes. Would you think all these things if I did the same stuff? What about curfew? Your mother? Your best friend?
Be kind to yourself. :)
And you aren't actually defeated - you are here posting for help. You are getting help.
Even if you did get HPV, and you don't know that you did, it doesn't mean that your wife will get cervical cancer. If she gets her pap smears, it probably won't ever come to that if she does get HPV. You thinking this way is called catastrophic thinking - a common cognitive distortion or thought pattern. Catastrophic thinking is when you go to the worst possible outcome. "I cheated, I'm a horrible person, and deserve the worst. What's the worst? I can kill my loving wife, and since I don't have HIV, it must be HPV and cervical cancer."
Realistically, we know that cervical cancer isn't that common, and dying from it now is very uncommon.
What is really important is that you get some help. A psychiatrist can help you sort your meds out to find what works for you. A counselor can help you work on your guilt, depression and thinking distortions. You probably need both.
As curfew said, I hope you are working with your doctor about your meds. It's often trial and error.
You are not a terrible person. You are a good person who's made some mistakes. Would you think all these things if I did the same stuff? What about curfew? Your mother? Your best friend?
Be kind to yourself. :)
Thank you guys, i appreciate the time that you took for answering me, yes i will get help 100%. Another thing that mentally bothers me is that the condom have split and while i am clean of STDs i am afraid for pregnancy since that escort took her add off and never posted again. but again this may sound like anxiety and paranoia.
Your mind is creating worries that you really don't need. There are many, MANY reasons why she may have stopped advertising. If she was a professional escort, she was likely on birth control.
In any case, you shouldn't give this a second thought. You have enough to concentrate on in your efforts to heal your mind and spirit. You don't need to add a very unlikely scenario to your woes.
In any case, you shouldn't give this a second thought. You have enough to concentrate on in your efforts to heal your mind and spirit. You don't need to add a very unlikely scenario to your woes.
thank you, i mean she was a drug addict so i wouldnt call that a professional escort, but i will try to distract myself from this
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