Is anyone married to a sociopath?

[1nobody]

I think that I'm married to a sociopath. I feel like somewhere in him there really is love for me... We have a special connection... And I know that sounds cliche but I mean... When I'm having a strong emotion... He'll know. No matter where we are, he'll know. So anyway. I live him. I really do. But I have my own mental issues and I literally can't handle the way he acts towards me sometimes. But then other times he'll be so sweet and understanding. Is anyone else married to a sociopath?? How do you handle it?

[Halfevl333]

Well coming from the other side, I don't know if I am a sociopath or not, one shrink seemed to think I was, I have had a ton of diagnosis, schizoid, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Asperger, Anti-social Personality Disorder, you name it.  I have learned to mimic emotions and feelings from reading, watching TV, movies and people.  I have had relationships with women but never felt love or anything else for them.  My first wife, fell in love with me and so I married her.  We were together for 18 years.  I finally divorced her because I could not stand the fact that she gained 400 pounds and the sight of her sickened me.  She never saw through my act and it was easy to fool her.  One woman I had a relationship with broke up with me  and told me she had thought her ex husband was the coldest most unemotional SOB she had ever met, until she met me.  I made her ex look warm and caring.  

I went through a number of women, some saw through me, some did not.  My present wife is, well to be kind, a wee bit different and she is legally blind so she cannot quite comprehend my faking it.  All she knows is she loves me and I take care of her.  I do not love her, but I do want the best for her.  It suits me to take care of her.  She has done nothing to make me mad at her so things are on an even keel.  

When I am with a woman, I may not be all lovey dovey, but I do, I won't say feel, because I do not, but I do try and occasionally please her.  I basically live my own life and allow her to be part of it.  I can be quite evil if a woman pisses me off though.

[scarlett11_]

I was in a relationship with this boy he already told me he had bi-polar, which I don't think is and issue as hes still human. I googled him haha a\nd google told me he was a sociopathy n also my therapist when I spoke about him at the time . not for sure though . I felt the same towards him like we were meant to be but then hed be really really nasty in an argument or he would get really nasty thoughts about people or animals like disgusting , then 5 mins later hed switch to bein the sweetest. with my mental health also I had to call it quits it was hard but definetly the right thing to do. if your happy with him more than your sad then stay. if the opposite then..., you know. hope ur okay xx

[specialmom]

Hi scarlett11_.  Thanks for sharing.  Come to the Relationships forum here at medhelp, we love members discussing these important topics there. But I agree.  it's very hard.  As a human and compassionate person, you want to give the benefit of the doubt or not rule out being in a relationship with someone that has significant issues and most definitely, being diagnosed as a sociopath would be.  However, we have to give ourselves the best chance at having an enduring, healthy relationship that works best with a person who is the healthiest emotionally that they can be.  If someone is aware and working on things actively, I'd be more inclined to 'try' with them knowing the risks.  But if not, then I do believe we need to be practical in our relationship choices.  Love is just an emotion like any other.  It shouldn't be the only factor to decide if we stay in a relationship.  It also has to make sense over all.  It sounds like this relationship ending was painful.  But wise on your part.  How's things going with treating your own mental health things?  

[maureen820]

Hi, I am wondering how you came to the conclusion that your husband is a sociopath? Is it your diagnosis? I seem to be attracted to sociopaths and have indeed married two of them. I know about all the problems involved but was unable to cope and both marriages failed.

As you know sociopaths can be very charming indeed and go to great lengths to groom people who will give them what they want. Both my husbands would pretend to take a great deal of interest in other people's lives which makes the other person believe they are liked. o even admired. One of my husbands pretended to be extremely interested in my brother's photographic career in order to borrow his car. My brother willingly gave him the keys and can't stop telling me what a great man my husband is. He also stole many things from his family and from me, but always convinced them and me that it was for my own good somehow. One thing I know is that they have no real interest in others and don't care how much they suffer, they will use people to get what they want.

I wonder if this describes your husband? As to living with them I must admit I am a bit stumped as I found the whole situation too upsetting to carry on. My last husband convinced me to fly to Rome to see a 'business person' and take him some products my husband was dealing in. I thought this was a great idea but only found out later that he was using me as a mule to carry drugs out of the country.

If this is effecting your self-respect then it must be very upsetting for you. Perhaps you will consider what your life would be like if you were very ill, for example, and needed his care? I do hope your husband is not too unkind. True sociopaths are really hard to live with.

[cjd7]

I am separated from and in a custody battle with a narcissist, who may or may not be a sociopath. I don't think he's a psychopath, but sometimes it's hard to tell.

There are a lot of really good videos on YouTube about this. Search YouTube for "Narcissism", "Narcissistic Personality Disorder",  "Narcissistic abuse", and "Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome".  As well as searching for YouTube videos on things like "relationships with sociopaths" etc. , but DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOUR SUSPICIONS OR LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE WATCHING THESE VIDEOS.

Apparently, all sociopaths and psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths or psychopaths. The main differences, really, are how much awareness they have of how their behaviour and attitudes affect others, and whether they treat people the way they do, just because they are selfish and arrogant, or whether they do it because they are selfish and arrogant and also enjoy making other people suffer.

For all three, though, it is very difficult to handle it, and it can literally destroy your mental health, and take a long time to recover.  If you are married to someone with any of these personality disorders, it will become obvious  to you after watching two or three videos, and the more you watch, the more certain you will become, either way. If you are still not sure, after you've watched several videos and given yourself time to process what you've learnt, search for videos on "covert narcissism" and variations thereof.

You may be quite shocked by what you learn and you may not want to believe it at first, but if you are married to a sociopath, you will likely find some validation for the emotions you've been having, and likely one of your first thoughts will be, "Wow! So I'm not crazy, after all." You will likely feel a combination of fear and relief.

If your husband is not a sociopath or narcissist, you may still have trouble believing what you learn, and you will probably feel a lot of relief, but the videos will not resonate with you or seem to touch the core of your being, and you will probably not experience fear with the relief. The feelings of disbelief, I would imagine, would be more from not believing that anyone could be so cruel and heartless, and the relief will be more "Thank goodness I'm not married to someone like that" (this is how I felt when I watched videos about being married to a psychopath),  and maybe "ok, so there might be hope for my marriage after all" (I never felt this way, but began to understand why none of the counselling and marriage courses we went to seemed to make any lasting difference).

Whereas if your husband does have a personality disorder, or even strong traits of one, the disbelief will be more like, "how can this be? Is this really happening to me?" and the relief will be more like, "well, at least I know what I'm dealing with, now, and there may be hope for recovering my sanity, and well-being"  (this is how I felt after watching the videos about narcissists and, to some extent, sociopaths).

When I was still confused about what was going on, a book I found very helpful was one called, "too good to leave, too bad to stay." I can't remember who the author is, but it helped me to look more objectively at my situation, and get past the idea that I had to figure out whether my marriage was "good" or "bad", and realize (and accept) that it was both, not either or.

Anyways, go watch some videos. It should definitely help to figure out whether they apply to your marriage or not. If they do, make sure to find some support for yourself. I can give you some ideas for how to do that, if you want. You may have already figured out what's going on, since I see you posted this several months ago, but if you are still struggling, I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and if you want to chat/message any more.


And now, I have to go write the document for my lawyer, to try and refute the lies that my husband used to take custody of our daughter away from me,  that I've been procrastinating on writing,  by answering questions, here.

Take care!