Avatar universal

why am i not capeable of loving anyone

i literally am soooo young , im 16 n i think thats too young for love anyway but i need advicee pls. im abit of a party animal n i sleep with randoms on night outs (dont judge) n thats literally all i ever wanted was one night stands , no feelings, no nothing. then i got in a semi serious relationship the kid met my family n all that but i literally didnt love him at all the whole time i was like i litro  dont like him like tha n he loved me unconditional but naaa even tho i stayed in the relationship to bare his feelings, so i just thought it was him, that was a while ago then some other lad recently i had a one night stand with him (not a 30 yr old man this time ) n in the morning acted like a couple like i do with em all in the mornings but this time when i left he found me on fb haha awks, so we been chatting and again hes fell head over heals and i literally barely remembered his name the next day . making myself sounds proper bad right now but i literally just need help. i sleep with a lot of older guys and i have a mad past where it literally shows all men are horrible nasty people who dont deserve happiness because when i say that i mean i literally know., i could walk down town and have 20 men looking at me (nonce) they wouldnt make a move tho unless i initiate it.but you know they want u,   feel like i got brainwashed im a independant woman dont need no man bla bla . but all i want is love.... any type of help will b appreiciated xxx
Best Answer
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi sweetie.  So, what's your family life like?  Is your dad in the picture?  Are he and your mom close?  Sometimes, my friends who had a promiscuous past and had a hard time actually connecting in a loving way with the opposite sex had situations with their dads and their parents at home.  It's kind of a pattern.  They did counseling and turned that around.  So, I am asking just to understand if anything like that could be going on. Having a one night stand with a 30 year old is illegal.  A grown man with a teenager is very problematic.  

Another question is how is your self esteem?  Could you stand to work on that?  As in, whether you want sex or not, these men/boys are using you for sex.  It will take a hit on your pride eventually to just be a sexual conquest for the night. It does begin to chip away at you.  Your self respect probably needs to be strengthened (said with kindness and empathy).  Even if you want sex badly, no one wants to be used.  

Absolutely, I have had best friends who have been down the same path as you.  Another hard question is if you have been sexually molested.  That's another thing that this pattern emerges in teen girls from.  I'm so sad to say that.  But being molested either by an adult or even another child/peer or older child/peer leaves an impact that can result in negative patterns.  Putting a band aid on it with sex was what my friends realized they were doing.  Putting a band aid on hurt.  And after, they began to feel shame.  Shame is hard to deal with. But please know, they (and you) are just trying to do the best they can.  

Do you also drink or use drugs a bit?  This can be such a trap for kids. Lots do it (I did things I hate to admit with regards to this as a teen).  But please know it's a trap.  Try to figure out if that is the best thing for you if it also contributes to negative things and situations in your life.  

I can tell you that you deserve more than to be used.  

My friends all became more settled as they got older.  All are married and leading 'regular' lives.  One had an affair on her husband though, unfortunately.  But you will find love.  Work on patterns that aren't healthy for you though.  

I give this advice to every girl your age or young woman.  We have a limited time to set ourselves up in life. Sure, it can be done later but it is much harder.  School/education is the ticket to having more choices in our future.  You may never have to be dependent on anyone if you educate yourself and set yourself toward a career that will provide for you.  That's very freeing.  So, keep your focus on school sweetie.  I probably sound about 5,000 years old saying that.  But I promise you, that opens the most doors for you and gives you the freedom to be more in control of your life down the road.  hugs
I think everything above is to be considered, but Mom, females have sex drives too.  Maybe you didn't, but I knew a lot of women of this age who were quite sexually active because they liked it.  To say it's all men taking advantage is pretty old fashioned thinking, and this poster seems to be very sexual and that's okay.  Those very promiscuous young women I knew grew up to get married and have kids and careers just like everyone else.  And it's not illegal for her; it's only illegal for the person who is older.  If we put every guy who has sex with underage women in prison every guy would be in prison, because sexually active young females aren't particularly interested in awkward young guys.  Just expressing a different view of things that is less 1950s.  You may be right but it's a generalization, a lot of the time it's the guys who are being victimized because they think the woman actually likes them when it's just for the sex.  It works both ways.  Life is a human problem, not a man or woman problem.  But I do think it's good for the poster to see your opinion and think on it.  Peace.
I hope you come back and talk to us Scarlett.  I really do understand and am always happy to chat with you, hon.  You'll figure life out.  It takes work but that is universal for all of us.  hugs
My mum and dad are amazing people so thats why I was always confused.. now im 18 and not long after this post I got a boyfriend.. was emotionally abusive and this past year turnt physical, hes recently gone. But yes in the relationship I did develop ptsd from all of the men and the lifestyle I lived ,thank you guys !
Good luck to you, scarlett, and never doubt your heart. If it indicates you're in a bad relationship, it's probably right. See a counselor if you would like to piece this together and break bad patterns and get to a healthier balance with men.
Gosh, Scarlett11_, thanks for coming back. Stay strong. Failed relationships help us learn for next time. You are a strong girl. hugs
5 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Not sure what you're truly asking about.  Some people like sex with strangers.  Some like it with people they have an attachment with.  Some like both.  Some like neither.  We're all pretty individual in this.  It is concerning if you're doing this at 16, though.  That's pretty young to be that sexually active with a lot of different men, but that too is very individual, our sex drives come at different ages.  I grew up in the 60's and there was a lot of casual sex going on and also a lot of very young sex going on.  Some liked being in love and some just liked the attention and some just liked the feeling.  We all grew up and got old and got married, so don't fret.  At your age, the chances of any relationship lasting all that long is pretty slim, people change fast, and if you're going through a period where you love the attention you get by someone wanting to sleep with you. you're probably not someone who would make a good partner right now, but you won't be like this forever most likely.  And as the above says, at some point, when you're older, you'll meet someone who you want to make a relationship with. In the meantime, have fun but be safe.  I don't know how in the covid era you can feel safe having sex with a lot of random people, but it's your life, not ours.  But love, it comes, and often it also goes.  Peace.
Helpful - 1
But I will add, if you're truly just into it for the sex, let your partners know that.  Don't lead them on.  It hurts.  Peace again.
1999441 tn?1589741765
You can live without love in your life.  I have done it for 69 years, but mine problem is more mental issues.  Just keep on living your life, keep on enjoying sex, just make sure you use protection, STD or pregnancy can mess up your life.  Continue your education so you can get a good job and find other interests. Maybe later you can get some counseling to help you.

Girls these days seem so much more sexual, and attractive than I remember when I was that age.  Back in the early 60's holding hands and maybe kissing was all you could get out of them and most seemed 'looks challenged'.  Getting any of them to 'put out' was a fantasy, and rarely happened.  It sucked.  

I can see why older men want to have sex with you, you are young, sexy and willing.  It seems like older women are just to stuffy and choosy who they want to mate with so they put themselves out of the sexual market.  Not to mention most of the older women have way to much baggage, so a young 16 year old seems one hell of a lot better choice.  Just don't get the guy in trouble, unfortunately our antiquated laws make having sex with someone your age is against the law.  

Back when I was in my very early 20's I had a nonsexual relationship with a 15 year old, if she hadn't lived a 100 miles away I think it would have become sexual.  I met my first wife when she was 16.  We got married when she was 17.  Later on when I was 42 I had a relationship with a 19 year old.  The reason I liked her was she was not stuck in the 60's and 70's like all the women my age, and had little baggage.

Not wanting to bore you with my experiences, but wanted to let you know that love is possible, you just have to be ready for it.  Right now you are having to much fun to settle down with one person so keep on doing what you are doing and enjoy it.  Good luck
Helpful - 0
I forgot to add, as I said in the beginning, I have trouble loving.  The females I have been with all loved me, I didn't love them but I enjoyed the relationship and stayed in it for the long run.
Don't know where you lived, but the Sixties were a pretty good time to be young and sexually active.  While it's true there are more toned women today than back then, us guys weren't toned then either.  As for "putting out," women have always done that, but you had to be the type of person they liked to put out with.  I've been hearing that young people today have less sex, not more, than previous generations.  There has been a "myth" about sexuality that follows the highly repressive dominant religions Christianity and Islam, which conquered most of the world and led it for a long time, but the Sixties were all about breaking that domination but both men and women have always been sexually active, they just didn't talk about it so they wouldn't get judged.  As for your sexual proclivities, I'm sad you didn't find love, loving is hard and often brings heartbreak and you're right, people can live without romantic love, but just for other readers here, do know that it is a violation of the law for older men to have sex with women who are under age and the opposite is also true.  Whether this is right or not depends on one's philosophy -- women generally become sexually mature and active younger than most men and it's hard to find one who is being honest who didn't have sex with older men because younger men are pretty awkward and haven't grown into their mature bodies yet.  But do be aware, if you do this sort of thing, don't get caught by the wrong people.  My main point is just that the Sixties were full of really attractive women who were quite sexually active starting at a very young age.  Obviously, not all of them, but quite a few.  Now, that doesn't mean they may have liked me or you, but they did like some.  I think people tend to often see the grass as being greener on the other side but it really isn't most of the time.  But to go without love is not a choice most would choose.  Peace.
And I meant to add, while a 16 year old having a relationship with an 18 year old guy is one thing, a 42 year old guy is quite another and is a huge power difference.  Be careful out there.
When you grow up in a small town of 500 people with a total of 130 in the whole school, grade and High School, the pickings are mighty slim finding a girl who will be sexually active.  The only ones who were getting any were the jocks who got it on with the cheerleaders.  Most of the girls were religious and the best that could be gotten was a kiss and holding hands.  I didn't get lucky until I moved away and joined the Air Force.  Most of the girls were definitely not what I would call sexy (other than the cheerleaders and they would have been considered average at any other bigger school).      I do not choose to go without love, I have no choice in the matter.  I cannot feel emotions which includes love.  I am basically emotionally dead inside.  
I'm no expert on this, so don't anyone think I'm pretending to be, but you seem to be awfully aware of feeling no love and on another post you kind of referred to yourself as a possible sociopath.  But I'm no so sure because I think a true sociopath isn't aware of it.  Your statements emote a sadness and sense of loss and that, my friend, is a pretty strong emotion.  
Well, though the years of therapy, I had one shrink who told me she thought I was a Functioning Sociopath and took great effort and joy in describing and comparing me to the text book description.  So that is where I get the idea that I am one.  I really do not feel any sense of loss.  I kind of view "life" as watching a movie.  People enter (my life) and then when they leave the screen, they are gone and I no longer think of them or miss them.  They are gone.  If I have a loss of anything, it is my youth and the ability to get with all the sexy young women I see walking around.  
Horniness is a pretty strong emotion, too.  We're all different people.  And I'm not so sure life isn't like a movie.  Buddhists and Hindus attempt to reach a state of acceptance of everything with no judgement of one thing being different than another.  Do they ever get there?  Probably not.  But it does show that you're not the first human to think like this.  Romantic love isn't for everyone.  Some prefer to stay unattached and just have sex with willing partners.  What would make you a sociopath would be if you harmed others in order to advance your own interests and had no remorse at all or even that much awareness of harming others.  Don't know if that's you.  The objective truth is, life has no meaning.  Darwin showed this.  It's random.  There is no purpose.  That is something we make up, so life really is like a movie.  But emotional attachments are a survival mechanism for humans, as it leads us to care about others and therefore act together.  Because humans lack speed, agility, armor, etc., if we don't act together we die.  It has a purpose, but that purpose, if you accept Darwin, was a random adaptation and we then supplied many backstories because we have a cerebrum and that's what that does.  Just trying to say, I don't know if you are the person you describe or not, I'll never meet you, but maybe, just maybe, you're not.  Or maybe you are.  Peace.
My take is if you're going to get it on with so many men,, who I g et the impression they're strangers make certain they aren't diagnosed with STD,  too kinky,  whip cream oral sex both ways is okay but do you want to do B&D , for that matter S&M or anything dangerous or even life threatening   Be careful out there.  Lots of  dare I say it dangerous men out there.  Be careful.
Just to be fair, given that every sexual adventure has two partners, a lot of dangerous women out there as well.  The problem isn't sex, it's humanity.
Hmm for some reason my post didn't post.  Yes I know all about dangerous women, I had one who I like to refer to the Psycho B from H.  We lived together and she came home one day and told me a customer where she worked wanted her to move in with him and she wanted me to wait to make sure it was going to work out.  Another girl robbed me blind and then OD'd next to me in bed.  Women are pretty much good for one thing, which is why I like the OP.  Now she has the right attitude when it comes to sex.
Come on, H, even a sociopath doesn't have to be sexist.  Assuming you are one and not just, as you sound more like, a very disappointed and depressed person.  
Yes I am disappointed in life which I suppose depresses me.  I look at life as a room waist deep in ****.  Some people walk through and stick their hand down and they come up with jewels and gold and silver.   Another group walks through and sticks their hands down and half the time they come up with nothing but a handful of **** and the other half they get a few coins.  Another group walks through and they come up with mostly ****, and maybe if they are lucky they get a penny or two.  and the last group just comes up with **** and half the time they end up with some painful disease from the ****.  That is how I look at life and people...
And you're right, life is like that.  It's chaotic and unfair and amoral, while humans try to make it make sense.  But you know, the fact the world is as you describe doesn't cause depression.  Depression is an illness with no known cause physiologically.  I have it because of a medication I stopped taking.  I got it when I was younger for awhile because romantic relationships went bad too many times.  When bad things happen and we stay sad or obsess over it too long we can trigger it.  But however one gets it, once you have it, you try to get over it with therapy or changing your life, and if that doesn't work and your life doesn't work, you try medication.  Before that drug blew my nervous system out, I used to have a personal saying, yeah, life sucks but that doesn't mean you have to be depressed about it.  Peace.
Avatar universal
Fear of intimacy could be the reason, is there a point partway into any relationship where you start to experience feelings of panic and either sabotage the connection or just leave?
Love cannot develop unless we trust others enough to show them our weak side and our worries.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Enjoy your life you will meet someone you will fall in love and goes towards him just pray he will feel the seem. so don't take tension and enjoy your life you will fall for someone.
Thanks and have a great life.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Mental Health Issues Community

Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Can depression and anxiety cause heart disease? Get the facts in this Missouri Medicine report.
Simple, drug-free tips to banish the blues.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Are there grounds to recommend coffee consumption? Recent studies perk interest.
For many, mental health care is prohibitively expensive. Dr. Rebecca Resnik provides a guide on how to find free or reduced-fee treatment in your area