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1554910 tn?1297429911

Anger with family

I am having trouble coping with anger I am feeling toward my sister. I found out I had miscarried ten days ago and am currently having a natural miscarriage. For some reason, I have been feeling very angry with my sister, who is usually very supportive and sensitive. She is truly trying to support me the best she can and she "checks in on me" as she puts it, but she is also very busy and emotionally distracted lately, and I feel like when she does "check in" she wishes she didn't have to and it makes me feel awful. She also does not bring up the fact that I am going through a miscarriage, even though we are usually so intimate and both know that is why she is calling, which also makes me feel like she doesn't really want me to talk about it. I feel like some of this is because she is in a new relationship after going through a really bad break up and is sick of feeling through heavy things and just cant be there the way she normally would. But even though I know this and I know she loves me and is doing the best she can, I am still really angry at her. She has time this weekend for the first time it happened and wants to make snacks and watch movies and I feel like I don't want to be around her. When we talk I feel like I am helping her feel helpful more than she is understanding at all, and she talks about why it is hard for her to know how to help me a lot, even though Ive told her I just need her ask how I feel and then listen. I also told her that if she is too distracted to really talk with me to just not call until she has some emotional energy because I am hypersensitive right now. I am thinking she doesn't realize how distracted she seems when she "checks in" and then proceeds to talk about her new boyfriend and work. I also am resenting her because her breakup meant she needed to bring up a lot of old issues with my parents, which I supported, but even now that they are worked through things she is really hard on them and tense, so I feel like the autonomy of my family is unavailable to me at a time I really need it because she is, in general, being very self centered. Logically, I can see she is trying and I respect her time to work through things and I should appreciate that, but she is making me feel worse and I just cant be around her, even though that may be unfair. Is anyone else having anger toward the people trying to support them?
6 Responses
1374102 tn?1363009479
I know exactly how you feel. I went through a miscarriage last March and I felt the same way with my sister. Still to the day I have some anger towards her. She also had a miscarriage the year prior to mine so I thought that she would know what I was going through and be there for me more than she was. I also had alot of anger towards her because not even a month after my miscarriage she tells me she is pregnant and I felt so horrible I wanted to be happy for her but in the back of my mind I was still coping with my miscarriage and didn't know how to react to her and when I did react she wanted to know why I sounded upset. I was so hurt by her that to this day we are still not close the way we used to be.
134578 tn?1614729226
There is only so much our friends and family can do for us in our grief.  We have much, much more to say about it than they have the emotional bandwith to hear.  (I talked to a shrink when I had my last miscarriage, figuring that at least she was paid to hear me whine and go over and over the same thing like a broken record.  I was genuinely concerned with burning out all my friends.)  Anyway, rather than focusing anger on your sister for her inability to make you feel better at such a time, try to focus on the fact that there is anger in the fact that you have miscarried.  It helps with the grief.  When I miscarried my twins, I was so unhappy that I would cry in public and all the rest.  I was so grief-stricken that I almost thought I was crazy.  It was not until I realized I was equally angry that it had happened (the anger hiding under the sadness), and dealt with the anger (raging at God and other methods) that the consuming cloud of sadness was able to lift too.  I say this as someone who has had three miscarriages, your sister is not the issue.  She can't make this better.  It s u c k s and it is awful, and some of that emotional road, you have to walk alone.  

One thing that did help me, odd as it sounded to me when someone first suggested it, is that we had the babies cremated.  The hospital is accustomed to dealing with funeral directors for obvious reasons, and the memorial society I used was even accustomed to doing this for miscarried embryos.  Like I said, it wasn't something I would have thought to do, but when we did it, I felt better, like I was at least able to do this last thing for them and take care of them in this last way.  We sprinkled their ashes in the daffodils in our field, and every spring when the daffodils bloom, I think the twins are there with me.

I hope for peace for you.  I hope you forgive your sister.
1027094 tn?1327429732
What you are going through right now is HARD. Your hormones are all out of whack right now. It's normal to be angry. And you just want someone to be angry at. TRY not to be too hard are her. It's going to take some time to get over this angry feeling. BUT it will pass.
1554910 tn?1297429911
Thank you all. I know I am being really hard on her and I wanted to post because I think I am crazy right now and don't want to bring this to her and damage our relationship or make her feel crappy for no reason. She already is sensing that I am off with her, and I think venting in a place without consequence will help me just maintain the relationship for now while getting through this and then if there is anything to talk about when we are in a more balanced place, do so then. I wanted to know if this kind of irrational anger is normal or if any of the hormonal changes create anger, because I am usually very good at talking myself down when I overreact, I rarely get angry and can usually let minor disappointments with people go. I just cant seem to do that right now and it is freaking me out.
1027094 tn?1327429732
You just lost a baby!!! IT'S normal girl. Trust me on that one. You're hormones are all of the place right now. Which makes dealing with the loss even worse. Just give it some time. Once you're in a better place with yourself, things will get better between you and your sister. It's NOT going to happen over night. I've been wanting to have another for a LONG time now. We just aren't ready for another one yet ( working on building a business and stuff) Then my sister tells me she's PG again. #6 for her. I was kinda crappy with her for a while too. Even though it's NOT her fault. I got over it. Just give it some time.
134578 tn?1614729226
I could tell when the hormone load left me, I suddenly felt normal after weeks of feeling cuckoo.  It will happen for you, too, you're right to sense it's the hormones.
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