How do I deal with my losses?

[VaniDavila]

Let me start off with saying that I was expecting quintuplets at the beginning of my pregnancy. After speaking with doctors we decided to have a reduction done. At 13w6d I had my reduction done and reduced to triplets. That was hard enough as it is to have to deal with. At 16w I started cramping and went in for a check up and doctor said everything was ok. That same night I started bleeding so I went in the next day for another check up. At my doctors office he said my cervix was opened but all three babies were still there. He then sent me to my high-risk ob and she did an ultrasound and was having a hard time finding triplet A. He was so low in my cervix that the ultrasound could only hear a heartbeat. She sent me home and that same day I delivered my baby boy. As unbelieveable as it sounds, he lived (with oxygen) for about 30 minutes. The paramedics were surprised that my baby boy had lived that long. I was at the hospital for about 3 days and then released. When I came home, of course my mom took care of me and kept me on strict bed rest. The day after I got released I started cramping and I went to the ER and just got sent home. The following day (Sunday)  I had gushes of fluid. I then got fever and chills and I was admitted to the hospital. On Monday I was told I had to be induced. I was only 17 weeks. The ultrasounds showed two heartbeats, but only one of my babies had fluid. They gave me medicine to start contractions and a few hours later I delivered my two beautiful baby boys. I have no idea what went wrong. All I know is that after delivering my first baby I got an infection and had to be induced. I don't know why I even delivered my first baby. I have not gotten answers. I am always wondering if that was gods way of punishing me for having done a reduction. I think about that everyday and I cannot seem to stop thinking about that. I so regret having a reduction and I just feel so hurt that I did it. I am having a hard time coping with my losses. I am depressed and I feel the need to start ttc again. I do have a 4 year old daughter and she makes it hard on me when she kisses my belly. We explained to her that her baby brothers are now little angels watching over her, but she cannot seem to understand why and always tells me that she wants her babies to be born. How can I deal with my losses? Is there a certain way?

[leon0409]

Just take the time to grieve. Dont rush into anything speacially trying to have a baby again too soon, you know what I mean? All I know is that time heals, it may feel like it does but in time you will feel better, although you will never forget. God bless you.
Hopeful K.

[ita17]

I just can't relax & go to sleep after finding out about your loss.  I re-read your original post & you say you wonder if this is a punishment from God.  I don't believe that God punish's.  I do believe that we all have our choices to make, just as our children have choices to make when we are raisin/teaching them.  & what happened to you seems to ME that it has to somehow be related to the reduction, NOT in a punishment way, but as in a risk way.  I bet your Dr will try & deny this, & maybe I am wrong.  But I need to have answers as much as I can.  I understand that sometimes things just happen, but I just find this hard to believe.  Your babies were growing perfect, & not to put "blame" on the Dr, but I feel like that has a BIG thing to do w/what just happened to you.

I don't mean to get you more upset, I just think you need to ask your Dr some HARD questions, cuz, I agree w/you, w/proper care, monitoring & early delivery your 5 could have made it through (& you)
Did your DR say you had a high risk of loosing this pregnancy?  This is just horrible, & I am again so sorry for what is happening to you & your DH.
Your DD won't understand at all what is going on, in fact if your anything like me, it might aggrivate you a bit.  When I've mc'd even though I LOVE my kids, I just was so sad about what happened that for a bit that's all I was focused on.

I will pray for you, you WILL get through this, & you will feel better soon, it will take time.  I hope you get your answers, you DESERVE them.  & I hope I haven't upset you, I just strongly feel that your DR HAS to give you answers, & I think she knows what they are.
L

[ita17]

I am so sorry hun ;(  I know how hard this is,  you HAVE to be strong BUT it's ok to feel depressed & CRY as much as you can.  It will help you heal.
Let your body heal, so the next pregnancy you have will be healthy. & just be prepared to feel unlike yourself for a while, your hormones will be crashing, & it is hard to deal w/it.
LOTS of ((((HUGS))))
laura ;-/  

[VaniDavila]

I did about 10 months of fertility injections and the last 3 were with insemination. We tried about 8months with low dose injections and it didn't work and finally the doctor did a high dose of injections which caused me to have 6 follicles. Out of those 6, 5 got implanted. I think about it and I know I did the reduction for the health of my babies, but now that I lost them all I wonder if my pregnancy with quints would have had a better outcome. It is so difficult for me to have to go through this. I ask myself why it happened to us and why is it that many people who don't want kids have them and they are not even wanted. Why do the good people get punished? Is it a sin to want babies? Are we being punished for our desire to have children? We are planning on starting fertility treatment as soon as possible. I just hope it is quick and I don't have to go throught this ever again.

[birdiewebb]

Aww hun!! I'm so sorry! I am thinking of you and praying for your comfort and peace. The ladies are right here. There is nothing you could do or could have done different for a miscarriage. You will smile again and it will get easier. I understand the little ones kissing the tummy and wanting babies here anyways. I had to go through that with my nieces and nephews when I lost our first baby. They will come around eventually just takes time. I kept explaining to them that the baby was in heaven and watching over them. Now they talk to our little one when they are praying... seems to make it easier for them. Hugs and may you find some comfort!! I'll be praying for you and your family!

[Lucey12]

You lost al of them? Im so sorry, that woudl be a hard decision. Im sitting here saying I woudlnt get a reduction but then I think it woudl be best cuz less healthy babies is better than lots with poor health and nutrition. Did you have envitro? If not, I think you will have no problem trying to concieve, having already got pregnant with 5 on your own. You have to think that maybe its not punishment, if they didnt live, they could have been unhealthy and had big problems if they did all live. I heard a story where a woman had triples that were all blind and deaf. Thats what I call a punishment. Im sure you will have a nice healthy baby when your body and God is ready.

Lots of love and wishes coming your way.
xo

[ladybug82]

i am so sorry for you r loses know that this is no PUNISHEMENT at all its just UNFAIRNESS i am just so sorry , and like the others say CRY it okay  to cry.. YOu are a strong women and i hope you ttc when yo are ready i am sending you tight warm hugs from texas .... *:O/ erika

[nickieb85]

OMG I cant believe that you lost all of your babies. I am due to have an IUI next month and and hoping for at least one (but more would be fine) and I have though about you the whole way through my doctors appointment. My heart and thoughts go out to you (((((HUGS))))) although I know that will never be enough to take away the heart ache.

[butterflybabies]

I am sooo sorry to hear of your losses! There are no words that will bring you comfort right now...Cry when you need to, scream if you need to and vent to us when you need to...Everything you are feeling is normal, depression, guilt, all of that...
I dont believe you did anything to deserve this, no one is punishing you...I ask my self all the time why, why me, but I will never get that answer, we will never know...maybe it will help if you seek some counseling to help you thru this...I wish you all the best in the future and know that we are here if you need us!
Again I am sorry!

[mikaleen]

You are absolutely in no way being punished for choosing to have a reduction, and don't let anybody guilt you into thinking that.  You made what you felt was the best choice for you and the babies based on all the information that you and your Dr. discussed.  Quints are a very high risk pregnancy, and yes, there are happy ending success stories, but it's not very common.  There are risks with a reduction, but the risks of a quint pregnancy are higher, and many women have reductions performed with no ill effects.  You wanted to give yourself and your family the best chance for bringing healthy babies into the world.
Your losses are a tragic occurrence, and it's going to take time for you to go through the grieving process.  Part of that process is guilt, so a little bit is normal, but you can't beat yourself up over a choice you made.  
I am so sorry for your losses.

[mrsp77]

tearing up.   i am  so sorry!!!!!!!

[sue68]

I am so so so sorry for your loss and for having to make that terrible choice of reduction.  As I've read it, multiple births are very high risk - I have a friend who had IVF twice. The first didn't work out but the second time worked. She decided to reduce the triplets to two because of risk of losing all three - which she almost did.  She was put on bedrest soon after her first trimester and had complications - but, delivered them a month and a bit prematurely.  There is NOTHING you can do to prevent a miscarriage , nothing you did caused it - know that.   There are so many of us on the forum who've done everything they could to ensure a healthy pregnancy and it still happened. It seems so unfair when  there are countless of women who drink and have other bad habits but, still are lucky to give birth to a child. Seems so unfair, huh ? I figure I could blame myself but, I know I took my vitamins and folic, and I don't have any bad habits. I even cut out chocolate because I was worried about caffeine.  So, I just chalk it up as nature's way ( for some God's way) - of "eliminating defects".  I have to believe that or else go crazy wondering what else I could have done to help it along.

How do you deal with this loss ?  I can't tell you how but, I'll tell you how I got over my 2 m/c's.  I bawled my eyes out until they dried up. I blamed myself, what food I ate, the workout I shouldn't have done, all those shoulda woulda coulda's...Then I cried some more.  Then I was angry - and bitter. Then I was depressed and hopeless.  I thought I would never smile again, never be happy again.  And then one day I smiled and I  surprised myself.   There is no length of time how long you'll grieve your losses but, I can tell you that you will smile again.  And you'll see on this forum and the pregnancy forums that there are happy endings - so many who've had multiple m/c's are pregnant or have given birth.  So you see, you will smile again.  It will happen to you - you have to believe that.  
I had told my dh , during/after both m/c's, that I don't know how long it would take for me to get over them and to just let me work it all out.  I promised him that I would not give up hope - though sometimes I did but, didn't tell him because he was grieving too and needed me not to give up.  I got pregnant the second time so I have hope that I can get pregnant again.   You grieve and let out all your emotions run their course. And you talk about whenever you want - whether with friends, family or on this forum.  You'll find alot of support here - the girls here have been a great help.  We understand exactly what you're feeling.  Feel free to come on if you ever have any questions - or just want to vent.  Everyone is here for you.