Stillbirth - relationship distanced after stillbirth

[ylee]

I had a stillborn baby 3wks back. Since then, the relationship between my husband and I has been distanced. Today, we had a heart to heart talk. He says it out that he has a mixture of feelings. He is not sure if he hates me for the loss of our baby. When I ask him 3wks back, he say no. We hv hardly sleep on the same bed & hv very minimal skin touch like holding hands or hugging and communications. He says he still loves me during our talk today but he has stopped expressing that in our daily SMS exchange since the incident. I hv just started to let go of our son and this conversation has made me started to cry again. What should I do? I feel really hurt that I am being blame for the loss. Is our relationship going down the drain? How can I rescue this relationship?

[ylee]

Thank you for the advise...a week has past now...there are some positive changes past 3days...i am glad to see this happen...I just did my first checkup today after discharged from hospital and doctor says everything is back to normal and we should try again anytime now onwards as my age is moving up to the high risk group soon...

[sebastian1976]

Give him time. Remember time always helps you will never forget about your little Angel but I think you guys will be ok. Please don't Stress on wondering if you will be able to give him a son God will hear you dont lose hope.......

[ylee]

Dear all that had given their piece of thought,

Thank you for your thoughts. My husband is the type that does not like to communicate much especially related to issues or his feelings. He also does not like me to speak to others about us. So, counselling will be out of question. This is why I posted in this forum.

It's been a week now after I have posted this message. Not much kind of positive progress and he only keep telling me to leave him alone for awhile. He will be okay. Should I just let him be? I wish that time can past real fast that we can ttc again but another worry that I have is that by then, he may not even want to touch me because he still can't forget what happened to our son. Will I be able to get him a son in next pregnancy?

[sebastian1976]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a stillborn. My husband was grieveing diferent than me. I would cry all the time and he would get mad will tell me all the time why are you crying there is nothing the Drs could of done to prevent it but it was hard.Only us as Mothers know what it is to have them inside of us and feel them move we love them and will always love them. I think your husbands way of grieveing is anger. For me it was sadness than anger and now accepting it even though he will Always Always be in hy heart. Maybe counseling will help you and your husband it did help us. I am very sorry you had to go throw this.........

[angelstar79]

Firstly, 3 week is still so early and your grief is likely to still be so raw. Over the next few months as you work through the process of grief things may go up and down. Certainly don't rule out your relationship at this early stage. The main thing is to try and keep or get back those lines of communication. It is very important that your partner understands that you are in no way to blame for your son dying. When do you have your Post partum checku up? It would be worth speaking to your doctor before then so that they can really stress this point to your partner at this appointment. In the mean time, is there someone you could get to talk to both of you? I don't know where you live, I am in Australia and both SIDS and Kids and Sands (Stillbirth and neonatal death support) have assisted us in this process.

please understand that this will be a long process and you both need to give yourselves and your relationship time to heal.

Hugs to you,

Lianne

[retta483]

im so sorry :( try to reach out to him you are both grieveing . it is still fresh It is going to take time Im 5 days from a m/c and Me and dh both are sad still . wishing you all the luck hoping and praying for you (hugs ) Loretta

[they_call_me_momma]

first thing I am so sorry, my heart is hurting for you. I understand where you are coming from we also suffered a loss and it is very hard on a relationship. There were times I would cry non stop and he just didnt understand he was sad too but we dealt with our feelings in different ways... I had to express to him many times how I needed him more then ever and it took a few heart to heart talks before we finally were comfortable together again. He may also be feeling strange or different when it comes to touch, without realizing it he may be giving you space for your grieving process. I dont think he really 'hates' you I think he is hurting just as bad as you are and if you dont come together now and go through this process as a loving couple it could end with some bitter feelings toward one or the other. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and just remember God has a reason for everything.

[superchoc]

tell him its not fair blaming you for something that could not be helped. thats so much for u to deal with in such a short period of time. its hard on you too and he can let off steam on you, you have no one to talk to. im sure he has noticed you have been drifing apart but i would say it to him, tell him all this in a heart to heart. he cant treat you like this after such a shock and unless he tries to make up with u, you both are just gonna fall further apart. maybe see your doctor in case it is the onset of depression for him. im sorry for your loss and hope something can be done about your relationship xo