Miscarriage or abortion? Help please

[Swissbob]

Hi

Im really sorry if this is the inappropriate place to ask this question but I need a viewpoint on this to give me some sort of persepctive.

BIt of a long story but I will try and be brief.

My wife and I have been having some problems since around Christmas.  WE have a little boy and she also recently lost her job.

Around three weeks ago she told me that she thought she was pregnant.  She did a test and it confirmed it.  I told her that it was bad timing considering the rocky relationship that we had and our financial poistion but that we would pull together and get through it.

A couple of days later she starts talking about having an abortion because she thought that if we broke up in the future she would be left with two small babies and no job.  Again I tried to reassure her and told her that an abortion wasnt an option for me no matter the state of our relationship either now or in the future.  Now this put a tremendous strain on our relationship as you might imagine.

A few days later she went to stay with her parents for a few days and was due to go for a scan on 31st March.  She sent me a text message to say that she had an earlier appointment on the 20th with the gynae to talk about her "options".  Now clearly she was going to talk about an abortion - not have one but discuss it.  Again we argued a lot over this.

Then on 25th MArch I had to go to England for work for one day and back on Wednesday.  I left the house at 7.30 am and she was ok but said she had some stomach cramps.  By Midday as I was sitting on the plane about to take off she text me to say that she had lost the baby and had a miscarriage and had to go back to the gynaecologist the next day for an "operation".  By the time I got back on wednesday she had gone to stay with her parents again.  She told me that the first thing the gynaecologist asked her was had she been under stress recently.  She of course said yes and he insinuated that the could be the cause.

My problem is I dont really believe her.  Sorry if this sounds insensitive but I think she has gone ahead and had an abortion and is passing it off as a miscarriage.  A miscarriage that she 100% has blamed me for by the way due to stress.

The thing is from what I have read there is no proven link between stress and miscarriages.  And would the gynae even say that?  As to say that wouldnt he potentially be distressing her and making her feel to blame for it?

The other thing is she said she was 7 weeks.  Would an "operation" as she describes it be required to remove any tissue?  Would it not be left to pass naturally first? She said the doctor had to scrape a lot of stuff away and use a suction device. Is that really needed for such an early miscarriage?

When I have spoke to her on the phone about what happened she said "Im not getting into details with you about the conversations I have had to have this week"  That to me seems a strange thing to say under the circumstances.

Also we have no family around so her story is that she had a miscarriage and packed our little boy up and drove 40 minutes with him to the doctors for an examination to be told she had a miscarriage and come back the next day for an operation.  To be honest Im not really sure how much of that I believe.

There are a few other things that dont really add up to me, but then Im starting to think Im looking to deep into things.

Any advice from anyone please?

Is her version really credible?

Sorry again if this comes across as insensitve or is the wrong place to ask but I am really struggling with this.  

[specialmom]

I feel very badly for your other child that would like you to remain a family.  As it sounds like you were headed for divorce any way and your wife feared being alone with TWO young kids, SHE was in a very difficult spot.  I'm glad she has her parents to lean on.  Peace to all but especially your young son.

[mhv]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I hope she did it out of fear of making matters worse, and not to hurt you.  I hope you both find peace, and happiness

[Swissbob]

Yes, I finally got it out of her on Friday after two weeks of blaming me for a miscarriage that didn't happen! I confronted her about aspects of her story that had not only changed but made ZERO sense from any point of view.

The doctor has signed me off with stress for two weeks and naturally I will now be seeking a divorce in due time.

Terrible situation that I hope none of you ever find yourselves in.

[T_marie85]

She had an abortion.  The doctor would t say it was stress the doctor would reassure that she or anyone else did anything to cause the miscarriage it just happens and when it does the doctor doesn't schedule a d&c the next day first they let u have it naturally then if it does not pass u have a pre-op appointment then the surgery or since she was 7wks she had to option to take the abortion pill which induces a miscarriage.  Maybe she messed around during that time and was scared it wasn't urs.  Maybe I shouldn't say that but it all sounds really sketch on her part.

[Oh_so_shy]

Show her that u still love her  and u will still be ther she may not wana talk about it yet cause it's still a raw subject and she can get her point across in  a way u understand being a woman is scary sometimes bringing a child into the world even scaryer special if she knew the current suituation was not idea

[Oh_so_shy]

I don't know about your country but in nz it takes longer that's two days to get a abortion u have to see a counceller first as well as talk to ur gp stress can cause a misscarge easy at the first stage of pregnancy you did say you allready hav a #young child  #currently umployed and have financial troubles/ Worries  ( as a female that stresses me a lot !!! )  and u said you were also going thru a tough period  I can fully see how she could of miscarried but I can also see your point of view try sitting down and exsplane to her you feel this aY and tell her WHY !!  If u really want to know more about the doctors ask her in the kindest way possible show her u care and l

[azndoraemon]

I had a recent miscarriage at 7 weeks pregnant.  My doctor gave me three options: take medicine to pass the tissues, D&C to scrape out the tissues or wait for a natural miscarriage.  Maybe your wife took the D&C option? Stress can cause a miscarriage.  

I chose natural miscarriage because i'm afraid of surgery (never had one).  Thought I had acupuncture treatment the next day after my dr said I will miscarry.  Which the acupuncture does help, I was able to pass the tissues the next day.

I don't know whether your wife had a miscarriage or abortion but it sounds like you lose trust in her?  I would be super stress with her situation too.

Good luck to the problems you too are having.

[looloo3000]

Hi
I had a miscarriage in my 1st trimester. I went to hospital for the scan which confirmed the pregnancy had 'ended' and had a D&C the next day. So its not that unusual in your wife's case.

[mhv]

Gulp, I have to agree.  Abortion.

[ross1112]

I'm sorry but I think she has an abortion

[girl37gen3]

Hi. What I can say is about statistics, I had a recent miscarriage, I was 8 weeks pregnant but baby stopped developing at week 6. My doctor told me it is very common early miscarriage (first trimester). The major cause is a chromosome disorder. About 20 to 30 % pregnancies women have miscarriage on first trimester. Many women do not even knew they are pregnant, since it happens before they notice they are pregnant. In my case, my doctor want to wait for a natural miscarriage, I have being waiting for two months, and it did not happend, so I need to have a D&C (Dilation and curettage) - the "operation" your wife had.
Many doctors do not wait for natural miscarriage, and go direct to D&C, maybe it is your wife case (in my country its is common) . So please, try to trust your wife, I think its the better you can do.