Why am I so down?

[loopyju]

I suffered a missed miscarriage last October and I just cant seem to move on.  It was not a planned pregnancy, I have Lupus SLE and have already suffered 3 miscarriages and one of my sons was born at 29 weeks, so pregnancy is not my strong point!  Every month I pray that by some miracle I am pregnant again, although my husband does not want any more children and we are not trying to conceive (I think i'm going mad).  Every time I get my period I spend days in tears grieving for my baby I lost and the baby I'll never have.  I just cant seem to move on from this.  Does anyone else feel like this??  I expect most people on here are going to TTC again.  I'm not ready to give up.  It just feels so final.  I cant talk to my husband about this, he just tells me to stop talking about it, he doesnt want another child, it would be like starting all over again when we have got to a point with our children when everything is so much easier (we have two boys aged 8 & 6).

I cant stand seeing my friends with babies, or mums in the playground with babies.  Everyone seems to be pregnant.  I just put on a brave face and coo and smile at the babies, but inside I feel empty.

I really dont know whether I will ever feel normal again.

Its very comforting reading everyones stories and hearing how people can get over their losses, I just hope I can get there soon before I loose my mind.

[songinmind]

I'm so right there with you on the grief and need to have a baby. I unfortunately don't have any children so the emptiness just closes in on me sometimes.

I do know that after my 2nd miscarriage in Jan, it really hit me that I needed to talk to a counselor about some of my feelings. My husband is great and he wants very much to have kids, so I can talk to him, but I really did need a professional. I'm sorry that your husband does not support you through this. Are you able to talk very openly to a family member, friend, clergy?  Or consider a counselor. I think it would be really beneficial (I know it is for me).  I also confided in a few friends, but found that they expected me to talk about it once and move on. I wasn't able to do that, so rather than continually burden them, I make sure I can use other venues.

I by no means have all the answers, but do know that we are  here for you and are willing to listen and empathize. Big hugs and well wishes!

[sue68]

Hello,

I know it seems impossible now - but, you will feel better soon.  When I had my first loss it took over 6 months before I felt somewhat normal.  It was an unplanned pregnancy - would've been our first baby after so many years of ttc'ing. So when we found out all these hopes and dreams were planned way before we went for our first appointment.  You are not going mad - you're just mad with grief and that's not crazy.  There are so many of us who've had a hard time getting back on their feet and its difficult too when there are so many reminders around you of what you lost - babies , pregnant women, cute clothing on the racks...etc..etc...
I'm sorry you don't feel you're getting the support you need from your husband - it must be even tougher when he doesn't seem to show the same pain as you do. I'm sure he sees how devastated you are and doesn't know how to deal with all this.

I don't have any magic words to help comfort your sorrow.  I know what you';re going through and it takes time.  You cry until your eyes dry out, you vent all your emotions - this is a great forum for that.  

I've had two m/c's and know how precious life is.  When you need comfort - hug your sons, shower them with all that excess love you have to give.  I'm sure their little arms wrapped around your neck will soothe some of the pain you feel.  Good luck , I hope your heart heals soon.   Just know that you will feel better and you will smile again - take it from one whose been in the same dark place.  Keep your chin up and one day your heart will follow.