Aa
Help with my thoughts that are scaring me
Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
It's so good to hear from you directly Chad! Lulu is sooooo right. We are enriched by every vision of you being there on the phone, connected to your beautiful children.
If you have the address where they are, try sending them cards and/or notes periodically. There's a wide variety of cards made specifically to send to kids in the stores these days. Today's kids may be plugged into electronics but they enjoy having the snail mailman bring them something personal every bit as much as we ancients did.
Mary
If you have the address where they are, try sending them cards and/or notes periodically. There's a wide variety of cards made specifically to send to kids in the stores these days. Today's kids may be plugged into electronics but they enjoy having the snail mailman bring them something personal every bit as much as we ancients did.
Mary
Chad,
You will have made a lot of people here very happy to hear from you. That is repayment enough. Hope that you feel better soon. hugs, L
You will have made a lot of people here very happy to hear from you. That is repayment enough. Hope that you feel better soon. hugs, L
Thanks for all the support and messages I've gotten. I haven't really been able to get on the forum. I'm doing better, still sad and depressed but heck of a lot better off than i was. I'm making it day by day still. Hardly ever get to talk to the kids, but when I do I still cry everytime.
I just had my second infusion today and it's got me tired beyond belief. That and the lack of sleep, but I wanted to thank everyone of you. You all have become family to me. Just wished I could some way repay you all, I'd do it in a heartbeat. THANKS AGAIN!!!!
Chad
I just had my second infusion today and it's got me tired beyond belief. That and the lack of sleep, but I wanted to thank everyone of you. You all have become family to me. Just wished I could some way repay you all, I'd do it in a heartbeat. THANKS AGAIN!!!!
Chad
Thanks Lulu -
you are a doll for keeping us posted so that we don't worry!
Hugs,
Erin :)
you are a doll for keeping us posted so that we don't worry!
Hugs,
Erin :)
I was also very relieved to hear an update so thank you Lulu. I am sure that we will all continue to keep Huff in our thoughts and look forward to hearing from you when you have time.
Hugs Sarah
Hugs Sarah
Hello all,
I thought it appropriate to let you know that I have been in touch with Huff and he does now know where his children are.
Other good news is the new meds have really made a difference and although this is heartbreaking, this doesn't have a dark side to it.
He is off and working - and we perhaps won't hear from him in the next day or two.
I didn't want all of you kind people worrying unnecessarily about his absence... Your responses to him have been wonderful and spot on.
be well, Lulu
I thought it appropriate to let you know that I have been in touch with Huff and he does now know where his children are.
Other good news is the new meds have really made a difference and although this is heartbreaking, this doesn't have a dark side to it.
He is off and working - and we perhaps won't hear from him in the next day or two.
I didn't want all of you kind people worrying unnecessarily about his absence... Your responses to him have been wonderful and spot on.
be well, Lulu
Well it's just one thing after another, isn't it? As several people have mentioned, and you have written about yourself, stress can encourage your MS to flare, and you say it has. I'm so sorry that all of this has happened to you and the children.
From your first few posts, your wife's feelings about your MS jumped off the page (screen), so perhaps it isn't too much of a surprise that she's run, although there is a shock factor involved for you, no matter what you might have anticipated. It is traumatizing, in fact, to come home to an empty nest, and the trauma of it creates its own special type of stress.
I don't know what State you are in, but for one spouse to take the children and leave without notifying the other spouse is not considered kidnapping in most states until AFTER a court order concerning child visitation has been put in place. Then, should she take the children in violation of the court order's visitation stipulations, you could push to get some kidnapping charges filed against her.
And right now, without court orders establishing visitation privileges, neither will the police seriously consider this a "missing persons" case. And no, I'm not an attorney, but I have provided training to attorneys and legal advocates across the U.S. under federal grants for my non-profit organization on "Indian law" and how it works with (or against) State family law in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault. I've written articles about these topics for various newsletters printed and distributed with U.S. Department of Justice funding, and I've lived through the ups and downs of family law on both sides of the fence more than once, originally for myself and my children, and then for my husband and his children, and now for several women fleeing a violent relationship with their children.
Now I'm not suggesting you are a violent person. It's obvious you aren't. So please take what I'm saying as merely comments on the options under the law that are available to you right now and if what I've written sounds a little arrogant or condescending in any way, please forgive me. I haven't revealed much about my past history on this forum, and the only reason I would mention it now is to help, if possible, to put a calm focus on your situation because usually, if we know where we are with "the law", we can usually find our way around to where we want to be from there without adding stress and fear and more trauma to our situation. Since MS took over my life, I haven't done the work I once did, so you may want to research the laws in your State to see if anything has changed over the past...say...5 years.
In Texas, there is a group of attorneys who work exclusively for fathers called "Fathers Rights Attorneys". If such a group exists where you are, and IF you reach a place where it is clear that divorce is something you must consider, Father's Rights Attorneys will provide you with advice and counsel on your rights as a parent, and they will assist in preparing your papers. Here in Texas, they will not represent you in court, but will only see you to the gate--that is, they will prepare the papers for you and then you will have to file the papers, have your wife served and finally, represent yourself in court. I do not recommend representing yourself in court. But I do recommend the Father's Rights Attorneys. They typically do not cost much, if anything, to simply discuss your options and they will be on the side of you and your children.
However, Huff, this may be just a separation. She may not be responding to your texts right now, but that may change. She may have just needed a break and a chance to think things through. You can contact your landlord to make certain rent was paid and check your bank account(s) to see what's in them. If you have joint accounts, you may wish to close them before she can take more from them, and then open a new account in your name alone. If you can manage it, don't think about divorce just yet. You'll know when it's time to think about that, or if you need to think about that at all.
She can't keep your children from seeing you, by law, so sooner or later, she's going to have to let you know where she is. You do have parental rights too. You seem to already have a good idea as to where she's gone, so now you can exercise some cool logic to plan your next steps. She may have possession of the children, but since she's removed them to another State and city, you may still retain the upper hand. The courts in the County or Parish in which YOU live will, generally speaking, have JURISDICTION over the case where your children are concerned for a specified period of time, usually 6 months. So you have a little time in which to make some decisions and take some actions. You don't have to do anything immediately, but can calmly examine your options and then choose the option that is best for you and your children.
It will be difficult not to sink into a deeper depression after all of this has happened to you, but perhaps taking some proactive steps, like talking with the Father's Rights Attorneys and making certain your bank accounts are safe, will keep you moving so that your depression doesn't deepen. Huff, just breathe. We'll all get through this together if you will allow us to be a part of what is happening to you. So just breathe and take one step at a time. Then don't forget we're all back here, waiting to hear how you are. jo
From your first few posts, your wife's feelings about your MS jumped off the page (screen), so perhaps it isn't too much of a surprise that she's run, although there is a shock factor involved for you, no matter what you might have anticipated. It is traumatizing, in fact, to come home to an empty nest, and the trauma of it creates its own special type of stress.
I don't know what State you are in, but for one spouse to take the children and leave without notifying the other spouse is not considered kidnapping in most states until AFTER a court order concerning child visitation has been put in place. Then, should she take the children in violation of the court order's visitation stipulations, you could push to get some kidnapping charges filed against her.
And right now, without court orders establishing visitation privileges, neither will the police seriously consider this a "missing persons" case. And no, I'm not an attorney, but I have provided training to attorneys and legal advocates across the U.S. under federal grants for my non-profit organization on "Indian law" and how it works with (or against) State family law in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault. I've written articles about these topics for various newsletters printed and distributed with U.S. Department of Justice funding, and I've lived through the ups and downs of family law on both sides of the fence more than once, originally for myself and my children, and then for my husband and his children, and now for several women fleeing a violent relationship with their children.
Now I'm not suggesting you are a violent person. It's obvious you aren't. So please take what I'm saying as merely comments on the options under the law that are available to you right now and if what I've written sounds a little arrogant or condescending in any way, please forgive me. I haven't revealed much about my past history on this forum, and the only reason I would mention it now is to help, if possible, to put a calm focus on your situation because usually, if we know where we are with "the law", we can usually find our way around to where we want to be from there without adding stress and fear and more trauma to our situation. Since MS took over my life, I haven't done the work I once did, so you may want to research the laws in your State to see if anything has changed over the past...say...5 years.
In Texas, there is a group of attorneys who work exclusively for fathers called "Fathers Rights Attorneys". If such a group exists where you are, and IF you reach a place where it is clear that divorce is something you must consider, Father's Rights Attorneys will provide you with advice and counsel on your rights as a parent, and they will assist in preparing your papers. Here in Texas, they will not represent you in court, but will only see you to the gate--that is, they will prepare the papers for you and then you will have to file the papers, have your wife served and finally, represent yourself in court. I do not recommend representing yourself in court. But I do recommend the Father's Rights Attorneys. They typically do not cost much, if anything, to simply discuss your options and they will be on the side of you and your children.
However, Huff, this may be just a separation. She may not be responding to your texts right now, but that may change. She may have just needed a break and a chance to think things through. You can contact your landlord to make certain rent was paid and check your bank account(s) to see what's in them. If you have joint accounts, you may wish to close them before she can take more from them, and then open a new account in your name alone. If you can manage it, don't think about divorce just yet. You'll know when it's time to think about that, or if you need to think about that at all.
She can't keep your children from seeing you, by law, so sooner or later, she's going to have to let you know where she is. You do have parental rights too. You seem to already have a good idea as to where she's gone, so now you can exercise some cool logic to plan your next steps. She may have possession of the children, but since she's removed them to another State and city, you may still retain the upper hand. The courts in the County or Parish in which YOU live will, generally speaking, have JURISDICTION over the case where your children are concerned for a specified period of time, usually 6 months. So you have a little time in which to make some decisions and take some actions. You don't have to do anything immediately, but can calmly examine your options and then choose the option that is best for you and your children.
It will be difficult not to sink into a deeper depression after all of this has happened to you, but perhaps taking some proactive steps, like talking with the Father's Rights Attorneys and making certain your bank accounts are safe, will keep you moving so that your depression doesn't deepen. Huff, just breathe. We'll all get through this together if you will allow us to be a part of what is happening to you. So just breathe and take one step at a time. Then don't forget we're all back here, waiting to hear how you are. jo
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as well, and wondering how you are doing today? My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time in your life.
Did you call the police and file a missing persons report? That is a good first step.
Let us know how you are, please.
(((Hugs))),
Michelle
Did you call the police and file a missing persons report? That is a good first step.
Let us know how you are, please.
(((Hugs))),
Michelle
Hi Huff
Well it is Tuesday now and I am just wondering how you are doing. We are all still very much thinking of you and holding you in our thougths and prayers.
With love
Sarah
Well it is Tuesday now and I am just wondering how you are doing. We are all still very much thinking of you and holding you in our thougths and prayers.
With love
Sarah
Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this too.
Your situation sounds alot like mine now. But, I do know that there are people out there and here who really care about you. Please don't do anything rash. I won't pay off in the end, though we do think it will. We could end up worse than we are now.
As far as sleeping, I have problems too. With sexual abuse, and being raped at 14, I have things come back to me at the weiredest times. But, they put me on Zoplicone and 7.5 and it seems to belp somewhat. Some nights I have to take 2 but, most nights one works .
I could not take the Serquel it reacted with me. So, please, take the advice of the previous people, they seem to be really genuine, and I will add you to my prayer list, and hope for some kind of peace for you.
take care, and know you are not alone,
*HUGS*
Candy
Your situation sounds alot like mine now. But, I do know that there are people out there and here who really care about you. Please don't do anything rash. I won't pay off in the end, though we do think it will. We could end up worse than we are now.
As far as sleeping, I have problems too. With sexual abuse, and being raped at 14, I have things come back to me at the weiredest times. But, they put me on Zoplicone and 7.5 and it seems to belp somewhat. Some nights I have to take 2 but, most nights one works .
I could not take the Serquel it reacted with me. So, please, take the advice of the previous people, they seem to be really genuine, and I will add you to my prayer list, and hope for some kind of peace for you.
take care, and know you are not alone,
*HUGS*
Candy
Huff:
As you can see by the posts, you are very much in our thoughts and hearts right now.
A common recommendation has been made that you call the police to report your children missing. I hope that you follow through on this advice. Even if the police can't do anything right now, you are creating a trail for the future of your relationship with your kids. It will be on record.
For those of us who have read your profile and posts, we do know that your job takes you away for days at a time and you have mentioned a limited support system. Can you please tell us what local support, if any, you have?
Have you thought about contacting any parents of your kids' friends?
If you feel that your support system is none, you might want to consider reaching out to a pastor/priest right now or some social service agency who can provide you with an advocate. Your situation is one that even the greatest superhero on earth would not be able to handle alone.
You've also mentioned that you are posting here using a Blackberry, which is hard for you to do with the small keys and the size of your fingers. Maybe by reaching out to others, you could find a computer that you can borrow to make things easier for you to post here and other places, as well as using the internet for help right now.
Huff, what has happened is in no way your fault. Whatever problems there may have been in your marriage does not justify one parent taking children away from the other without notice, except in the event of domestic violence and that does not fit your profile or response to the situation.
Hope the meds keep working for you and are helping you to cope with a very difficult situation. Even though we have not heard from you, I hope that you are reading these posts and getting some moral and practical support.
Please let us know how you are doing.
xxox,
Audrey
As you can see by the posts, you are very much in our thoughts and hearts right now.
A common recommendation has been made that you call the police to report your children missing. I hope that you follow through on this advice. Even if the police can't do anything right now, you are creating a trail for the future of your relationship with your kids. It will be on record.
For those of us who have read your profile and posts, we do know that your job takes you away for days at a time and you have mentioned a limited support system. Can you please tell us what local support, if any, you have?
Have you thought about contacting any parents of your kids' friends?
If you feel that your support system is none, you might want to consider reaching out to a pastor/priest right now or some social service agency who can provide you with an advocate. Your situation is one that even the greatest superhero on earth would not be able to handle alone.
You've also mentioned that you are posting here using a Blackberry, which is hard for you to do with the small keys and the size of your fingers. Maybe by reaching out to others, you could find a computer that you can borrow to make things easier for you to post here and other places, as well as using the internet for help right now.
Huff, what has happened is in no way your fault. Whatever problems there may have been in your marriage does not justify one parent taking children away from the other without notice, except in the event of domestic violence and that does not fit your profile or response to the situation.
Hope the meds keep working for you and are helping you to cope with a very difficult situation. Even though we have not heard from you, I hope that you are reading these posts and getting some moral and practical support.
Please let us know how you are doing.
xxox,
Audrey
oh my, i didn't realize that they were gone with absolutely no contact.
i would certainly start by calling the police and filing a missing persons report. then perhaps child welfare services (called children's aid in canada, not sure about the states). these two avenues should get you going on the right path. i agree, financial constraints should not hold you back quite yet, start with these two calls and see what needs to come next.
let us know how you are doing today if you can.
please don't feel too alone just now, you are in all of our minds here.
xo michelle
i would certainly start by calling the police and filing a missing persons report. then perhaps child welfare services (called children's aid in canada, not sure about the states). these two avenues should get you going on the right path. i agree, financial constraints should not hold you back quite yet, start with these two calls and see what needs to come next.
let us know how you are doing today if you can.
please don't feel too alone just now, you are in all of our minds here.
xo michelle
Just to say that I am sure there must be someone who can give you some support and advocacy. I do not know anything about USA law...but you need some help and your financial position should not be a constraint where your kids welfare is at risk.
I am not sure how old your kids are but I am wondering once your holiday is over today, if they are at school, if your wife has been in touch with anyone.
Are you able to ring any relatives to see if she has gone there of they know where she is. Does she have any friends who live nearby who may know something. I would guess that she may have initially gone to stay with someone she knows...but it depends how long she has been planning this or if it was an instantaneous decision.
Would you be able to report them as missing persons to the police and would they be able to at least give you some advice on if there is anything you can do? Then as Erin suggested..I am sure that there must be some legal aid available.
I can understand your feeling of helplessness....but just try and think of every single avenue that you could explore and all the contacts that you have where it is possible she may have gone. Someone who knows her must know where she has gone and if you at least knew wher she was, it would give you a little peace of mind that your kids are OK. Uncertainty is very hard to deal with but just try and deal with what you do know, rather than thinking about what maybe.
Check in again with us soon and other folks..have you any more practical suggestions what Huff can do to help him trace his missing wife and kids..HE REALLY NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.
Love Sarah x
I am not sure how old your kids are but I am wondering once your holiday is over today, if they are at school, if your wife has been in touch with anyone.
Are you able to ring any relatives to see if she has gone there of they know where she is. Does she have any friends who live nearby who may know something. I would guess that she may have initially gone to stay with someone she knows...but it depends how long she has been planning this or if it was an instantaneous decision.
Would you be able to report them as missing persons to the police and would they be able to at least give you some advice on if there is anything you can do? Then as Erin suggested..I am sure that there must be some legal aid available.
I can understand your feeling of helplessness....but just try and think of every single avenue that you could explore and all the contacts that you have where it is possible she may have gone. Someone who knows her must know where she has gone and if you at least knew wher she was, it would give you a little peace of mind that your kids are OK. Uncertainty is very hard to deal with but just try and deal with what you do know, rather than thinking about what maybe.
Check in again with us soon and other folks..have you any more practical suggestions what Huff can do to help him trace his missing wife and kids..HE REALLY NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.
Love Sarah x
I'm sorry that today wasn't a better day. One step and one day at a time right?
We have lots of lawyers here for divore and bankrupty that don't charge you anything until they get things done for you. It could just be because our economy stinks and divorce and bankruptcy are about the only thing we need lawyers for here right now. Could you call and find out if any in your area work like that or maybe set up very reasonable payment schedules?
I think that some way or another you have to find legal help. Tomorrow look up the phone number for legal aid and call or call on Tuesday if they are closed tomorrow. Like I said before, I don't know your wife but even so I do know that she can't just pick up the kids and all their stuff and take off like this!
I'm glad that you checked in again tonight - sorry that you are still awake at this hour though.
Think about the legal aid possibility and do your best to relax because like you said the stress is what's making your MS rear it's ugly head. Are you to macho for candles and a bubble bath, ha ha. That works for me sometimes so maybe you should try it - oh and don't forget the great music (nothing sad or sappy)
HUGS,
Erin :)
If I was betting I'd say they moved to Florida. The only way I could get them back is to file for divorce and get a restraining order to keep them here. Unless I win the lottery its not gonna happen cause I barely make it by paycheck to paycheck.
I tried texting her and calling her today, only asking important things, like if she paid the rent before she left. I got nothing back. Which is how it's gonna end up being. It's taking everything I have not to break down, but once I start I know I won't stop.
Its gonna be a long time if I even feel like I'm not gonna cry. But chances are that isn't gonna happen. I'm stuck with nothing and nothing I can do about it. It's a helpless feeling. Not to mention now all the MS symptoms I'd had within the last year are all back all at once because of stress. It's a no win situation for me. But I will take every minute at a time cause I still haven't slept. Probably won't for a long time either.
I tried texting her and calling her today, only asking important things, like if she paid the rent before she left. I got nothing back. Which is how it's gonna end up being. It's taking everything I have not to break down, but once I start I know I won't stop.
Its gonna be a long time if I even feel like I'm not gonna cry. But chances are that isn't gonna happen. I'm stuck with nothing and nothing I can do about it. It's a helpless feeling. Not to mention now all the MS symptoms I'd had within the last year are all back all at once because of stress. It's a no win situation for me. But I will take every minute at a time cause I still haven't slept. Probably won't for a long time either.
Huff,
Maybe this is where it needed to go? From your posts your wife was not helping matters but adding to your stress level? It may be time for you to become selfish here and take care of Huff. It wasn't an emotionally healthy place to live for you and surely worse for your children.
Maybe try contacting the children. They have be guilt ridden knowing mom has left dad and dad is sick. Let the children know you will be fine and nothing will change the fact that you are their dad. Tell them they can call you when they want and you will be available for them.
Then...maybe you can concentrate on Huff. Huff needs to destress himself and this is a positive first step. Some have talked about getting a counselor. Maybe that is what you need or maybe just an "outsider" to listen. You know there are so many little chuches out there that would welcome the opportunity to minister to you right now. They will lend an open ear, help you come to terms with what is happening in your life and...and...they usually love to cook and bring food!!! It seems one way they show that caring by sharing a meal.
Thinking of you, Huff. I hope you grab onto the strength you have shown on these boards.
Sumana
Maybe this is where it needed to go? From your posts your wife was not helping matters but adding to your stress level? It may be time for you to become selfish here and take care of Huff. It wasn't an emotionally healthy place to live for you and surely worse for your children.
Maybe try contacting the children. They have be guilt ridden knowing mom has left dad and dad is sick. Let the children know you will be fine and nothing will change the fact that you are their dad. Tell them they can call you when they want and you will be available for them.
Then...maybe you can concentrate on Huff. Huff needs to destress himself and this is a positive first step. Some have talked about getting a counselor. Maybe that is what you need or maybe just an "outsider" to listen. You know there are so many little chuches out there that would welcome the opportunity to minister to you right now. They will lend an open ear, help you come to terms with what is happening in your life and...and...they usually love to cook and bring food!!! It seems one way they show that caring by sharing a meal.
Thinking of you, Huff. I hope you grab onto the strength you have shown on these boards.
Sumana
Hi Huff,
Just came back in for the evening and I had hoped there would be another word or two from you tonight. Hopefully you are sitting out by the pond, fishing pole in hand, savoring this cool air and decompressing a bit. Treat yourself kindly, ok?
When the sun rises tomorrow you will have lots to deal with - I hope you can rest tonight.
be well, L
Just came back in for the evening and I had hoped there would be another word or two from you tonight. Hopefully you are sitting out by the pond, fishing pole in hand, savoring this cool air and decompressing a bit. Treat yourself kindly, ok?
When the sun rises tomorrow you will have lots to deal with - I hope you can rest tonight.
be well, L
Hi Huff (again)
OK I have just got back now from taking my 18 year old son with Aspergers off to residential college for the first time and this felt a positive step for him. I have been thinking of you on the drive home so am now able to write a few words.
I have been trying to step into your shoes to try and imagine how bleak, lonely and isolated you must feel but what I sense most is that you must also feel quite angry. It feels like your wife has deserted you when you most needed support and taken away your children who give meaning to your life and a sense of purpose.
So first of all..you are still their Dad and they need you more than ever. They have not had any choice in what has happened and no chance to even say goodbye to their Dad so keep thinking of them and how much they love you. I think you will be able to understand their perspective better than anyone and it is likely to tap into your own childhood experiences that you have already mentioned.
You have been given some wonderful advice and compassion from the folks on this amazing forum and it is at times like this when someone really bears their soul and asks for help that individuals can find unique support unlike anything I have ever known before.
Everyone has their own life story and the honesty and trust that is shared by many is a privilege to be a part of. So by you telling us how you are feeling, you have already helped others express their own feelings. I am begining to believe that MS chooses the most special people and although I am sure that every one of us will wish we did not have it...for me I always think that sometimes something positive can happen when we are faced with what seems like an unbearable situation.
So Huff where does this leave you? Very isolated and with swinging moods and suicidal thoughts that come and go. Like others I would encourage you to seek some medical support...but I can hear that your previous hospital experience did not do a great deal to help you. As a counsellor, I would encourage you to try and find a therapist who can offer you some regular support and the ability to make sense of all your feelings. I really believe that talking with someone and face to face human contact can be extremely healing and I can speak from personal experience of having received counselling myself for about two years.
I can see that this is extremely difficult when you have already mentioned how hard it is to get time off to see your psychiatrist. I am wondering if you could find someone locally who works in the evenings or at weekends...but I am also aware that there will be a cost implication and this may not be something you can afford?.
I have worked with adolescents who self harm, and with teenagers who have suicidal thoughts, and I have also worked with bereaved families who have lost family members who have taken their own lives. Every individual is unique and so it would not be appropriate to try and compare or ethical for me to say any more about any of these cases. However the one thing that seems to often be experienced is a feeling of losing control of their life.
From all that you have bravely written in this thread, I sense that you are in a very dark place at the moment and more than anything you need support and contact with others. Virtual communications can be incredibly supportive and I can feel that you are deeply touched by everyone's posts to you. However, we are not there physically and this latest event in your life has left you on your own. As I said before when we are faced with the greatest challenges in life, it can be very hard to see a way forward and this path is something that only you can find.
I would encourage you to try and believe, respect and like yourself as you sound like one hell of a guy to me. I do not want to tell you what to do as I think the most important thing is for you to make some choices for yourself and to have faith in your own judgment. I believe that reaching out on this forum is the first incredibly courageous step you have taken and that someone who has done this wants to help himself, so try and hold onto this courage and take the next step forward.
I think I have said enough for now and do not want you to feel overloaded. I think that some of the practical things that have been suggested in the last few posts are very sensible and as everyone has said just post again about anything. There is a very strong circle of love, a wide range of experience and some amazing people.
Sending you hugs and please let us know how you are doing....maybe in a new post?
With love
Sarah x
OK I have just got back now from taking my 18 year old son with Aspergers off to residential college for the first time and this felt a positive step for him. I have been thinking of you on the drive home so am now able to write a few words.
I have been trying to step into your shoes to try and imagine how bleak, lonely and isolated you must feel but what I sense most is that you must also feel quite angry. It feels like your wife has deserted you when you most needed support and taken away your children who give meaning to your life and a sense of purpose.
So first of all..you are still their Dad and they need you more than ever. They have not had any choice in what has happened and no chance to even say goodbye to their Dad so keep thinking of them and how much they love you. I think you will be able to understand their perspective better than anyone and it is likely to tap into your own childhood experiences that you have already mentioned.
You have been given some wonderful advice and compassion from the folks on this amazing forum and it is at times like this when someone really bears their soul and asks for help that individuals can find unique support unlike anything I have ever known before.
Everyone has their own life story and the honesty and trust that is shared by many is a privilege to be a part of. So by you telling us how you are feeling, you have already helped others express their own feelings. I am begining to believe that MS chooses the most special people and although I am sure that every one of us will wish we did not have it...for me I always think that sometimes something positive can happen when we are faced with what seems like an unbearable situation.
So Huff where does this leave you? Very isolated and with swinging moods and suicidal thoughts that come and go. Like others I would encourage you to seek some medical support...but I can hear that your previous hospital experience did not do a great deal to help you. As a counsellor, I would encourage you to try and find a therapist who can offer you some regular support and the ability to make sense of all your feelings. I really believe that talking with someone and face to face human contact can be extremely healing and I can speak from personal experience of having received counselling myself for about two years.
I can see that this is extremely difficult when you have already mentioned how hard it is to get time off to see your psychiatrist. I am wondering if you could find someone locally who works in the evenings or at weekends...but I am also aware that there will be a cost implication and this may not be something you can afford?.
I have worked with adolescents who self harm, and with teenagers who have suicidal thoughts, and I have also worked with bereaved families who have lost family members who have taken their own lives. Every individual is unique and so it would not be appropriate to try and compare or ethical for me to say any more about any of these cases. However the one thing that seems to often be experienced is a feeling of losing control of their life.
From all that you have bravely written in this thread, I sense that you are in a very dark place at the moment and more than anything you need support and contact with others. Virtual communications can be incredibly supportive and I can feel that you are deeply touched by everyone's posts to you. However, we are not there physically and this latest event in your life has left you on your own. As I said before when we are faced with the greatest challenges in life, it can be very hard to see a way forward and this path is something that only you can find.
I would encourage you to try and believe, respect and like yourself as you sound like one hell of a guy to me. I do not want to tell you what to do as I think the most important thing is for you to make some choices for yourself and to have faith in your own judgment. I believe that reaching out on this forum is the first incredibly courageous step you have taken and that someone who has done this wants to help himself, so try and hold onto this courage and take the next step forward.
I think I have said enough for now and do not want you to feel overloaded. I think that some of the practical things that have been suggested in the last few posts are very sensible and as everyone has said just post again about anything. There is a very strong circle of love, a wide range of experience and some amazing people.
Sending you hugs and please let us know how you are doing....maybe in a new post?
With love
Sarah x
Huff:
Please let us know how you are doing today.
I've been trying to do some research here for you in terms of your kids being missing. Ohio law is not clear in terms of whether or not your wife can technically abduct your children. I called the missing children hotline to find out if removing children by a current spouse can be considered abduction. Unfortunately it is the holiday weekend and staffers could not answer my question. The recommendation was to call the local police department and that more qualified personnel would be available on Tuesday morning.
This situation can be very traumatic on children and have lasting psychological effects.
I unfortunately had to take my son from his father due to several incidents of domestic violence and years of emotional abuse. DS was 6 at the time and it took him a good six months before he could sleep through the night without waking up crying and then quite some time before he would stop crawling into my bed at night.
Send me a PM if you want, with any questions you might want researched. I encourage you to reach out to live people in your community right now, because they may be able to give you both information and support. If possible, you should be trying to establish when your wife may have left and where she might have gone. If you have credit cards, you might want to go online to see what charges have been posted and from where. Same with your bank account, if she has a debit card. If you have a cell phone, you might also check out her cell number to see calls that she has made. These things might help in being able to locate your beautiful kids.
Like LuLu said, you have a big family here. Please keep us posted.
As for others reading these posts, if anything seems out of line, please chime in and steer things in the proper direction.
Audrey
Please let us know how you are doing today.
I've been trying to do some research here for you in terms of your kids being missing. Ohio law is not clear in terms of whether or not your wife can technically abduct your children. I called the missing children hotline to find out if removing children by a current spouse can be considered abduction. Unfortunately it is the holiday weekend and staffers could not answer my question. The recommendation was to call the local police department and that more qualified personnel would be available on Tuesday morning.
This situation can be very traumatic on children and have lasting psychological effects.
I unfortunately had to take my son from his father due to several incidents of domestic violence and years of emotional abuse. DS was 6 at the time and it took him a good six months before he could sleep through the night without waking up crying and then quite some time before he would stop crawling into my bed at night.
Send me a PM if you want, with any questions you might want researched. I encourage you to reach out to live people in your community right now, because they may be able to give you both information and support. If possible, you should be trying to establish when your wife may have left and where she might have gone. If you have credit cards, you might want to go online to see what charges have been posted and from where. Same with your bank account, if she has a debit card. If you have a cell phone, you might also check out her cell number to see calls that she has made. These things might help in being able to locate your beautiful kids.
Like LuLu said, you have a big family here. Please keep us posted.
As for others reading these posts, if anything seems out of line, please chime in and steer things in the proper direction.
Audrey
Dear Huff,
You have come so far with coming to terms with the challenges in your life, only to have this thrown at you as well. This has to be a dark time for you right now and I am so grateful that your new meds have kicked in and made a difference.
Unfortunately Audrey is very right in her financial advice - this is imperative to do without delay.
Huff, whether you believe it right now or not, you are an incredibly strong person and you will get through this. You know there is almost always someone around here to "chat" with - day or night.
You have a big family here who wants to help - thanks for letting us know you need it right now.
hugs to you, L
You have come so far with coming to terms with the challenges in your life, only to have this thrown at you as well. This has to be a dark time for you right now and I am so grateful that your new meds have kicked in and made a difference.
Unfortunately Audrey is very right in her financial advice - this is imperative to do without delay.
Huff, whether you believe it right now or not, you are an incredibly strong person and you will get through this. You know there is almost always someone around here to "chat" with - day or night.
You have a big family here who wants to help - thanks for letting us know you need it right now.
hugs to you, L
Huff:
I was heartbroken to read your latest post. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you walking in the door last night. I am so truly sorry.
On top of everything else, this is a holiday weekend, which gives you a lot of time on your hands without resources available.
Any idea where your wife might have gone? Was she working?
Probably the first thing you should do on Tuesday morning is to contact a lawyer. While you want the best for your kids, you also want to protect yourself. You'll probably be advised to set up a new bank account and have your paychecks deposited in the new account.
I am so, so sorry. Please keep reaching out in whatever way you can to help yourself through this most difficult time.
Audrey
I was heartbroken to read your latest post. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you walking in the door last night. I am so truly sorry.
On top of everything else, this is a holiday weekend, which gives you a lot of time on your hands without resources available.
Any idea where your wife might have gone? Was she working?
Probably the first thing you should do on Tuesday morning is to contact a lawyer. While you want the best for your kids, you also want to protect yourself. You'll probably be advised to set up a new bank account and have your paychecks deposited in the new account.
I am so, so sorry. Please keep reaching out in whatever way you can to help yourself through this most difficult time.
Audrey
huff,
so sorry to hear that you came home to such a horrible surprise. again, none of us know your wife so it is really hard to comment, but to say that i am so sorry this incredible upheaval has fallen upon you right now.
stay strong and reach out to whomever you can. it will be really helpful to get a routine going through the day if you can. little thinks like structuring your mealtimes, adding in a walk at some point, buying and reading the daily newspaper at night...whatever you like really, but to me, having structure to fall on in the absense of usual supports is a really useful thing.
thinking of you and please keep posting on how you are doing.
so sorry to hear that you came home to such a horrible surprise. again, none of us know your wife so it is really hard to comment, but to say that i am so sorry this incredible upheaval has fallen upon you right now.
stay strong and reach out to whomever you can. it will be really helpful to get a routine going through the day if you can. little thinks like structuring your mealtimes, adding in a walk at some point, buying and reading the daily newspaper at night...whatever you like really, but to me, having structure to fall on in the absense of usual supports is a really useful thing.
thinking of you and please keep posting on how you are doing.
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