I will need my forum family support now more than ever

[goofysmom1]

My husband of 10 years told me last night that he wants a divorce.  I am devastated.  I am afraid for what this means for my health (the stress) and my life in general.

I am fortunate that we have agreed to keep it civil while we deal with the details of unraveling a 12 year relationship but I am still completely lost and worried about how I am going to make it on my own, financially.

Sending you all hugs & hoping that your Valentine's day goes better than mine.

Chrisy

[Honesty82]

Well, i know where to come if ii ever need any support!! Look at all these people who care (including me!) i think everyone fears this when they're Dx'd, i sat my bloke down & gave him an out (we'd only been together 6m) he looked at me and 'said don't be so silly!' we've been together 2 years now so there's hope!!
Good luck with your move, stay strong & remember, we are all here for you!!

p.s Pastor Dan is right on!!! :o)

[supermum_ms]

It sounds like your squishy little toad never grew up, if someone else is doing all the work then he doesnt have to feel responsible or take responsibility, sure makes his life easier, so very nice of him to give you all the work.

Whats that saying about dead wood, cheers to a new beginning, keep your chin up and toast the next chapter in your life, i think you might deserve some bubbles!

Cheers...........JJ

[supermum_ms]

It sounds like your squishy little toad never grew up, if someone else is doing all the work then he doesnt have to feel responsible or take responsibility, sure makes his life easier, so very nice of him to give you all the work.

Whats that saying about dead wood, cheers to a new beginning, keep your chin up and toast the next chapter in your life, i think you might deserve some bubbles!

Cheers...........JJ

[Wendella247]

You seem like a strong woman and are an inspiration.  Although being asked for a divorce is a heavy blow, it sounds like in many ways you will be better off. I think having to deal with the trials of a disease like MS can make one stronger.

Good luck beginning your new life.  It sounds like your apartment will be a nice start -- I know moving into my first apartment after my separation from my husband (ex) back in 1991 was exciting and I felt rejuvenated.  I'm so glad you found a place that will take all your fur babies too!  

Best wishes!

Wendy

[shermay]

Hi Chrisy,

Thanks for the update.  You appear to have got yourself sorted out with a new place to live etc., and now your soon to be ex Husband will have to fend for himself :))

Take it easy, and don't forget to look after YOU!!

Hugs,

Debs

[goofysmom1]

An update for my forum family:  I have been in contact with a lawyer, we have a plan in place, and my husband is seeing his lawyer today.  We are able to discuss things civilly, so I am still hopeful that this will be over as quickly as possible.  

I will be starting the process for moving into my new fantastic apartment today - I have a tentative move in date of March 20th, which coincidentally is the first day of spring!  I think that is a sign.  Fresh change. Another interesting thing: my apartment number is 330.  My favorite number is 3.  This is the last apartment (of this floorplan) - so I am beginning to believe that this was meant to be.

I am in self-preservation mode right now - emotionally - just trying to get through all of this and then I can fall apart. There is too much stuff to do right now, I just don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.

My husband is proving to be as worthless as ever, in the details department.  During our 12 years together, I handled everything - bills, the house, appointments, everything....he is going to have to figure out how to do all of these things for himself now - but he is still relying on me to do a lot of the legwork...all the while living it up and going out with all of his friends.  Meanwhile, I am frantically trying to figure out the details of what my new life will entail/require.  I am really beginning to see how selfish he truly is.

I just keep reminding myself that in a month I will be in my new apartment, and settling in and then I don't have to think about anything but finalizing the details of the divorce.

Hoping that all of you are well & sending you all hugs,
Chrisy

[wadeheather]

Wow!  Look at how much support you have from people you hardly know!  I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I am looking forward to my 14 year annaversery at the end of the month, but have often feared something similar happen to us with my illness.

Love you long time. stay strong.

Heather

[opie74]

I would totally make the toad flee the lilly pad!

[Lulu54]

Hi Chrisy,
One of the most empowering things we do for ourself is to be proactive.  That applies to our medical care and to other life changing things, like this divorce.  Its great to read the anger in your message - don't let go of that feeling. Stay on the offensive.

We always tell our MS friends that sometimes we have to make our needs the top  priority - that goes especially for you right now.  Make yourself #1 and you will come out on the other side of this mess with a new appreciation for your strength and ability to cope.

hugs back 'atcha

Lulu

[goofysmom1]

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words of support and advice!  I am making progress - contacted an attorney and hope to hear from her tomorrow.  

I have been struggling to find a place to live that will allow me to take all 3 of my pets.  Most places (if they allow pets at all) only allow 2 pets.  I have been devastated to think that I would have to give up one of my beloved pets.  

But, today I found a brand new apartment, very close to my office, right on a trail head to a very large dog park, within 2 blocks of a major shopping center and they love pets!!!  They have designated pet potty places with red fire hydrants!  It was so wonderful to be walking down the hallways & seeing people taking their dogs out for a walk!

I won't be moving until I have a legal document in place that will state that my husband will be staying in the house (we would be stupid to sell it in this current market) - but I am relieved to know that once I have that legal document in place that I can move into this new apartment with all of my pets.  That is a huge relief for me.

I am now starting to get angry.  My Mom said that I would eventually get angry, and that that is good - it will help get me through these very trying times.  I think she is right.  I am now thinking about what I need, want and DESERVE to get from the dissolution of my marriage, and that I will absolutely not settle for anything less.

Hugs to you all,
Chrisy

P.S. I LOVE the toad comments!  They have made me smile, when I haven't felt like smiling.

[Karen99]

I am so sorry to hear this, Chrisy.  My husband of 20 years told me he no longer loved me 7 years ago.  He also said he wasn't sure if he ever did.  I want to reiterate what twopack said:
"If the man has truly never been happy then he really has a problem that he needs to work on."  This is so true.  It is his problem that comes from within himself.  He will carry this with him.  He owns this defect in his character, not you.  

It hurt badly when my not-so-dear-husband told me this, but I wish he had told me sooner.  Everyone suggested he seek counseling.  He didn't.  What he did do was try to put the screws to me, spending  a huge amount of money in attempt to do this.  All the while smiling and saying we were going to have a nice divorce.  Uh huh.  

I hope your hubby behaves well during this time.  Mine became outright cruel.  Just know that he is no longer your friend, much less a husband.  Surround yourself with those who support you.

My ex routinely asks me back but there is too much water under the bridge.  I don't know if your husband is willing to get counseling or not.  Pastor Dan is also on target with all that he says.  

Sending big gentle HUGS your way.



  

[PastorDan]

Oh, I forgot something very important: Have him call me.  My number's on my website, toll-free.  That's dubya dubya dubya dot AshleyWesleyan dot org.  I want to talk to him about how he's giving slimy green toads a bad name.

[sllowe]

Adding on my support Chrisy, - here for you.
(((hugs)))
-shell

[PastorDan]

Wow.  Chrisy, remember that I do couples counseling, I do weddings, I do premarital counseling, I've counseled many divorced persons (and am one myself) and I am simply awed by the thoroughness and depth of thought that 39 previous respondents have shared here with you.  Take all of this advice seriously, for it all is right on the money, from my perspective.

I know that this isn't a religious forum, but I feel I must state that divorce is never God's plan.  Jesus said so when the Pharisees questioned Him, but He acknowledged that the Law of Moses allowed for it "because of the hardness of your hearts."  If you are trying to work out a deal with a heart that has hardened itself, forget it.  Look what Moses had to go through when he tried to deal with Pharaoh.  I pray even today that your husband's heart will be melted, but I advise you to prepare as you must.

Regrettably, I also feel I must add one piece of advice that I've not seen mentioned here so far.  Get tested for every kind of sexually transmitted disease.  No, you probably don't believe that he's been fooling around, but if a man says he's not been happy for years and suddenly wants a divorce, I'd bet my walking cane that the thought of someone else has at least crossed his mind.  Like the other issues, no matter how nice things might seem to remain on the surface, you have to look out for you now; he's given up on his vows made before you and God, and you just have to deal with the possibilities, hard as they might be to face.

As has been said over and over here, we are here for you.  Use us.  That's why God put us here.

[Adnvwsti]

Chrisy, I am still new here and haven't "connected" with lots of friends yet, so you won't know me and you might feel that I should just mind my own business.  And that's cool too!  I have been married and divorced more than once and if I were to give you advice, I guess I'd advise not to make any emotional decisions.  Letting him have your favorite set of China or the best chair in the house may feel like you are making amicable decisions on how to split things up.  But it also may mean that when it's all over, you'll regret the decisions you've made and you may begin to wish you'd kept that China and chair, too.  None of us are good at making decisions when we're in that initial paralyzed, disbelieving, shock moment in time.  Be good to yourself right now, but also find that strength inside yourself that carries you straight to objective decisions, if you can, leaving emotions out of it insofar as possible.  Just from the things you've written in this post, I know you are strong, and can certainly carry yourself into the appropriate position right away without letting him get the legal jump on you.  If at any point in this process, you feel that justice is not being served or you are being treated unfairly, you probably ARE, so being the first to file may place you in the best position.  

For your husband to choose Valentine's day weekend to make his announcement is to me, a sign of a rather cold nature.  He seems to be missing the gift of mercy, among other things, and his willingness to cooperate smacks of guilt.  Guilt will always make a lover clothe himself in gallant chivalry as though he's making a sacrifice and giving you an excess of gifts, but the best gift he could have given you was his unconditional love and support.  Now guilt may be the best tool you have in getting fair treatment from him, so maybe you can use it well while you have the opportunity.  In my own experience, guilt is a fleeting emotion that transforms into something else when the pocketbook begins to take a few hits.  Beat him to the legal punch and have no mercy yourself, if you can manage it, no matter how much it hurts you to do so, please.  

I'm just sorry you're going to have to be stronger than you already are to get through this.  More importantly, I'm sorry that you have to lose someone you've loved.  

I noticed from your profile that you are in Snohomish, WA.  Beautiful scenery up there.  I lived in north Idaho for almost 2 years and we traveled thru Washington state many times.  Are you or your husband American Indian, by any chance?   I know Washington has attempted to claim a P.L. 280 status, but that's been challenged for a long time, and it doesn't prevent tribes from developing their own tribal courts and laws that apply to Native people living within the jurisdiction of the tribe.  If you even suspect that this divorce may become a tribal court matter, though, you may want to take some additional steps beyond those that have been recommended here.  I hope you don't have to.  Getting through something this painful should not become more of an ordeal than it already is.  

Good luck to you, Chrisy, and many good wishes.  Please take care of yourself while this is going on, if you can.  Jo

[melissabarnett]

the rat  i can say i have been there did the nice thing and got crap out of it so go to the bank ( tomarrow ) or now if you have a AMT card and withdrawl all but 100 then open up ur own and put in only 50.  get all the bills out of ur name and make it so that he pays every think up for 30 days after you last utility or medical bill is in

do find every good lawyer in town and around the ariea even if the first 15 mins is free that way he cant use them do to the confilct of intrest start getting any stock pappers that u have or side bissnes stuff that he has coppy every thing even if u dont think u need right now u might latter and u wont have it get every piece of jewlery u have even his if he has any and put it some where safe but not in the house

if u are buying ur house and u know ur cant aford it if he gives it to you even if the Dvorice pappers says hell pay for it dont keep it he could back out of it so get ur name off it so u dont end up paying for it for the next 15 to 30 years and starveing in the mean time

start looking for a place now  try houseing complexes the go by ur income  go sign up at ur local DHHR for emergancy assistance if u dont get dissability or SSI go sing up now and may be u wil get it by the time ur Devorice id done that back pay will come in handy  get on that waiting list now  get on every houseing list that u can get on if u dont have a cell phone  get one the ones that u pay as u go and pay up in advance  2 or 3 month curtiy of ur soon to be ex

look nice play nice to him but dont be nice in what u need and wont  out of this Dvorice cause u can bet walking cane he will try to have to give u as little as possable and make u think thats all he has if he just told u now that he wants a devoice hes been planing it for months

and proble has a new bank account minis your name on it take a look at all bank statments that u 2 have together for the last 4 or 5 months i bet the deposits have been less or with drawls on his part have been more then normal and nothing to show for it  start a list of everything of house hold things that u will need to set up in a new home

find out where every thing is and keep an eye on it if he has walked out go file ownership for everything u want then send the letter out sertifid even call legal aide they can give u sound and free good addvice

write every thing down if u think u might forget tape record every thing u and hubby say ((the good and bad )) and u dont have to tell him just get a tape recorder duck tape it under the table and hit record every time he comes by to talk about the devorice

  that way he cant wezzle out of anything when it comes time for the lawyer talk i know this all sounds so cold but if u want to live after this thing is all over and done then get cold just for now cause the man that u thought was going to be there for the rest of your life and take care of u wont be

so u have to look out for ur self and get what u can cause ur health is a ever changing thing and sometimes not for the better soryy that this is so long but i realy realy hope u sock it to him  i know i know U STILL LOVE HIM  but u need to be smart not just nice
  
i dont want u to look back and think that i did everything he wanted and the SOB just scerw me out of every thing  YOU will be in my prayers  be strong dont let him get away with evrything he all ready broke ur heart  and on V day

tells u this is that love on his parnt no thats selfishness  on his part not to even give u one more last happy thaght cause if u let it V day will never be the same  bet he wanted it that way   and that bank thing as long as ur still married u should be able to withdrawl out of his new account look for a new mailing address po box  or something that hes left lay out or even in the car glovebox trunk under the seat office if he takes lunch out then u sneak in and look  

if u can be that sneacky  if not go for the nice dubble chocleate dubble fudge Exlaxx brownies i did along with brown beans and corn bread for dinner and gave him the brownies for dezert i said my tummy wasnt feiiling to good id eat one latter or tomarrow

and if it was sommer id say poisson ive boiled and dryed unddies would be right up there that way u know if he is leaveing u for a nother woman there wont be any thing going on till that nasty little rash goes away lol o sorry i was reflecting  but it dose work quite well

[twopack]

If' the man has truly never been happy then he really has a problem that he needs to work on.  Too bad your guy waited ten years to reveal this but at least he didn't wait eleven.  

It's got to be so hard to hear him say this.  Still, when someone wants to leave there's little point in efforts to change their mind.

I'm saddened to hear the huge amount of hurt in our community that is evidenced in the replies here.  People treat one another so badly on a regular basis.

Only you have a prayer of judging if your husband is capable of remaining civil through a divorce.  It is possible for some people.  An example:

My husband's sister had Hodgkin's.  Her husband was a great support through her treatment.  Once she was in remission, he divorced her.  In the end it was right for both of them.  He kept her on his medical and helped her financially until she was able to support herself again.  They never fought about custody of their son so he retained excellent relationships with them both.  We still have warm contact with the ex (who lives in WA coincidentally).  He will travel across country with his lovely new wife to attend our son's wedding this year.  Sadly, my sister-in-law died several years back.  Two great people who just couldn't be good together.  I glad we didn't have to choose a side.

A lifelong happy marriage would have been wonderful.  That's evidently not happening.  I hope you get to start anew with calm (if not peace) and some memories of good times that were.  We're here however it goes.

Mary

[Guitar_grrrl]

Oooooh, Chrissy,

So sorry!  Been there, done that.  Sending you good thoughts for strength and clarity.  This won't be easy, but know that all things will work out with time and patience.  Be extra good to yourself.

Hugs,
Guitar_grrrl

[michelleric]

My heart is so sad for you.  What a blow...I am sure you are in a bit of shock at the moment, and can't imagine what you are feeling right now.

I am thinking of you and saying a prayer that you keep strength and are able to handle all of this.

Please know that we are always here for you and can lend a cyber shoulder to lean or cry on. We will be your strength...

Love to you,
Michelle

[candy158]

So very sorry about what is going on in your life.  I think alot of us are scared of that very thing, since we cannot know what is going to happen to us from one day to another.  We all have to stick together and support eachother.  No one else knows what this is like, until you live.  It is like telling people what it is like to have a baby, and then you do it. ( quite a different story) ..

We are all here for you, and will be praying for your situation.

Keep in touch, there is lots of support here.

take care,
*HUGS* Candy

[saveone]

I can't add anything to what the others have said.  You have some very savvy friends.  Many of have experience the pain of divorce.  But "We do survive" and so will you.

At this time it probably seems your life is falling apart and you are sad, scared, and angry.  That is okay. That is how most of us felt.

I can tell you though that sometimes goodbye is a blessing in disguise.  I moved on to find a man that is standing beside me as I search for my answers.  He sat in the car for 6 hours as did my neuropsych.  

What I am trying to say is that there is life after divorce.  I pray that this goodbye is only the beginning of a new and wonderful life.

Take time, feel the pain, protect yourself, and don't forget to love yourself.
terry

[Eyesnlegs]

Just sending hugs as others have said it all. I have been married for 25 years now but this is my second time. My first husband was abusive and cruel and I was left with nothing except my 2 beautiful girls and our toothbrushes!

I got through it and my lovely girls who were then 8 and 10 are now 35 and 37 and well balanced women. You can do this - just take care of you.

Pat x

[mistylee]

I just thought I would tell you that after 14 years my marrige dissolved and I had 2 young children 4 and 6.

But I got through it, it wasn't easy but you can get through it too. Stay strong, don't back down , get everything your entitilled too and more if he is guilty ,and offering more , take it. He is the one desserting you remember. You will kick yourself later if you don''t.
Also your earning capacity my be limited depending on your health whereas he can replace what is lost.

Sending {{{{hugs}}}}}


Mistylee

[truelove47]

I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers           Be well and please stay strong

Blessings,  Linda