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645390 tn?1338555377

"Life is not normal anymore..."

that was the start to a conversation my 7 year old just gave me.

He had a MELTDOWN, and started yelling at me, that life is not normal anymore. What is that??? When he was 5 and 6, we did lots of things together. Now, he only does things with dad. He likes me, not dad. So, WHY do we not do stuff together anymore?!

I asked him what kind of "stuff" was he referring too. He wants me to play basketball with him again, rollerskating. and snuggling, THAT was the one that hurt... I said life does change when we get older, but he told me he is just a little kid and he doesn't like any of this. (He is very sensitive and is missing my mom also. He writes letters to her, and continues to draw pictures from her funeral often).

I will try to be a more involved mom. My heart is sad for him, for me, shoot for everyone these days.Hubby left today for a week. I have been yelling all afternoon, and hate the way I am feeling, and the way I am taking it out on everyone around me.

I also don't think life will be "normal" again, or at least the way it once was. I think I am grieving for lots of loss these days. Life sometimes is just plain sad.

Michelle
14 Responses
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Avatar universal
Glad you got the library books. I agree, his fear may also be of losing you. Young folks verbalise by anger. One thing you might try for an activity, is a nerf basketball or baseball, that you can play in the house or yard with him. Only he gets to chase the ball. Twofold pluses, doing something with him, and running lets him burn off some energy, now that school is out. Doesn't the ball park have a parking area for people with physical problems? I hate to use the word handicapped, seen lots of "normal" people lots more handicapped that some of those with disabilities. Or maybe you could take a friend with you to ride herd on the kids. Be creative. You are probably missing hubbie too. Hang in there, life isn't always great, but it bests the alternative!!

gentle hugs & prayers
Maggie
Helpful - 0
648910 tn?1290663083
Michelle, like the others my heart aches for you.  They gave you some really good advice.

However, here is my two cents.  Feeling overwhelmed and sad is a sign of depression and anxiety, both of which are common with MS and other dx that we feel are threatening.  I recommend you find a counsler, someone you can trust and who you know you can tell anything  and he has to keep it private.  There is the exception of you being a threat to yourself or others...then he has to ensure your/their safety.

Getting some counseling is  a great way to process the changes that are occurring in your life.

There is also the medical side to this.  You may be having some chemical unbalance that needs treatment.  Don't forget depression/anxiety has a real medical cause that can be treated.

I just want you to know that you don't have to suffer there are resources to help you and your family.  This is a difficult time for you.  The fear and anxiety surrounding the changes that are occurring is enough to drive one to tears and yelling.  Please reach out and get some help.  There are many here on the forum who have counselors and/or take medication to help with the symptoms.  I am one of them.  After getting a counselor and beginning medications I can tell you I would never go back to living day to day with anxiety...which is the end I fall on.

Think about it.  It is a great release.

terry  
Helpful - 0
645390 tn?1338555377
Thank you. thank you and thank for all the above posts. I am overwhelmed by all the support and love on this board. It is so special to me, and sure has helped me in the last year. It is one of the "safe" places I go, where I feel "normal".

Dan:

I really liked the analogy to "normal" being a setting on a hair dryer. That is true. As always, thanks for the right words.

Ok, I cant keep scrolling up to see what you all said, so here is what I did.

We went to the library, and I spoke with the librarian. Guess what? They had a book bag, called the Death bag. (no joke). It has about 9 books in it relating to death and children. 4 were perfect for Gabriel. About being sad, angry, etc. Losing a grandparent, and a picture book about a funeral. The casket even looked like my moms.

THAT was a super idea. Thank you. Although driving home from the library, one of his brothers was looking through the bag, and Gabe was having a tantrum. He was SCREAMING:  GIVE ME THE DEATH BAG!!  Not a good thing, driving through town with the windows down. Got a few looks, but who cares?!

Anger=Fear. That is indeed true. I am scared about my future. I keep thinking that right now I might be "good". I think I will look back to this point in my life, and realize that this might be my best. That is scary to me, about what is yet to be. I have gone so far down even in just this last year, what is going to happen to me in the future.

I seem to be always waiting for the next bad thing. Not a good way to spend my days. I need to sleep more. I need to feel happy. I need to call my doc today and tell them I am still having difficulty swallowing, and that parts of my tongue are numb today. I need to get my air conditioning fixed. I need baseball to be over.

OK, that is all I need at the moment. Not too much to ask for, is it?

Thanks again,

Michelle

Helpful - 0
439628 tn?1265202290
Getting stories from other patients,men,women,couples and families,can give  soul straight  to see life with positive  way to recharge our spirit,our society is full with positive,neutral,negative issues,but only God provide us with the correct knowledge about Good blessing life.....
Hope for the best to come to our world one day........
Don
Helpful - 0
195469 tn?1388322888
I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.  

I think that your son is afraid that you too, will die and leave him, like his grandmother did.  This is the way that children think.  Anger=Fear.  Children will often go through a period of being little stinkers, not because they are bad, but because they are afraid.  Children do not like change in their lives.  It does scare them.  You already know this, so you are going into all of this, with a better understanding of what is really happening.

I believe that you are also going through anger and frustration because you are afraid.  Fear of what the future holds for you.  That's terrifying.  Instead of showing our family members that we are afraid, just as they are, we strike out in anger.  This is the most normal reaction I can think of.  It's understanding the reasons for that anger, that will help you through your fears.

Whether you have MS or something else, no one knows what the future holds for them.  We all know that life will change, whether we are fighting a terrible disease or not.

Girlfriend, what will get you through all of this, might be some counseling for your son and you.  Your son seems so attached to his grandma and just can't seem to deal with that.  He's angry, really, so he is taking it out on you because you are sick.  His world has been turned upside down.  So he is reacting the only way he knows.

I wish I could wrap my arms around all of you and tell you that it's going to be alright.  Lean on professionals and of course your friends here on the Forum.  Understanding why you are afraid, is the beginning to healing.  Your anger is a normal reaction.  Please stop beating yourself up.  All of us are afraid of one thing or another.  You are not alone.

Many hugs and many blessing to you dear heart.  You and your family are in my prayers.

Big Hugs,
Heather
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Michelle, I'm so sorry this is happening. Maybe though it's just as well it came out now rather than build up even more.

I agree you need to focus on the positive with your son, and find new things to do. Let him know that you too miss the old you, yet show him how to reshape things for the better.

If he is having an especially hard time with the loss of his grandmother, I agree that a counseling session might help. Or, I understand there are good age-appropriate books that could help him.

Spend extra time just snuggling with him, but don't be hard on yourself.  I think the irritability you report is basically just frustration coming out. You have every right to be frustrated, but if you can channel it better you will feel better about yourself.

ess
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi, I know just what you feel my kids are 9 and 11 and we have just gone through a divorce and I feel as alone and scared as anyone. I am so sorry for your loss. Moms always make things better. Just try to pray as often as you can, every 5 minutes if you nee to. Every moment that is good take the joy and hold on tight. Park as close as you can to your son's game and sit in the car w/ ac running. Cry when you feel like it then try to do something happy or funny. Life is what we make it. No matter what we still have choices, so choose GOD, choose to try to be happy, and never GIVE UP!!!! Our babies need us!!! I am here if you need me. Lisa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm sorry you are having all this to deal with. Poor little thing, after losing his Grandmother could he now be worrying that he is going to lose you as well?

Try and take it easy
Mand
Helpful - 0
923105 tn?1341827649
Michelle,

I just sat and cried when I read your posting.  I too find myself in the same position with my 6 1/2 Son.  I feel that sometimes I am a really bad Mother because I can't do the 'stuff' that other Moms do - even walking to the school I feel like a freak and do my best for my Son so as not to draw too much attention to myself.

I have started to do other 'stuff' with him now, like drawing and reading A LOT.  I am able to swim - well float around and plash etc., so I have started doing that with him, we also play games - so maybe theres a few more ideas for you??

We also talk a lot, kids stuff about his friends in school.  I try and make special time for him, just one on one.

You can have my shoulder too.

Debs XXXX
Helpful - 0
751951 tn?1406632863
Someone told me recently that "Normal" is just the name of a setting on your dryer.  I've long felt that the one thing about our earthly existence that never changes is that it is always changing.  I am so grieved just hearing of your grief, and that of your little ones.  I am thankful beyond words for the wonderful people on this forum.  I know that there will be difficult days ahead, but I know that I will get through them, by God's grace, and that I am no one special in that regard; He loves you all more than we can ever grasp.  He most often, though, seems to send His love through people like we have here.
Helpful - 0
739070 tn?1338603402
Dearest Michelle,

I truly understand what you are going through..my kids have had the tables turned as well. Details in a pm.

I am so sorry for you to have go through this phase of the grieving process and you have several things to grieve.  Please know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending good thoughts of peace and comfort as you work through each day of your "new" life.

Hugs!!!!!
Ren
Helpful - 0
645390 tn?1338555377
Thanks for your support. I will take the shoulder to cry on, because my t-shirt is soaking at this point. I normally would go get a tissue, but the shirt is working fine.

Good suggestions for the list of what we can do together now. He likes to draw, so I could draw with him. I will think about options tomorrow.

I know I overdid it today, and perhaps that is why I am so emotional tonight. My 10 year old, is in the little league world series. It started today. With hubby gone, I took them, and it was a new park, in a different town and a FAR walk. I sat in the heat for over 3 hours. My fault. I started having trouble swallowing, and am still continuing tonight with that.

I just hope it will be better by tomorrow. I didn't know any other parents at the game, and didn't feel right about leaving him there alone. I am going to have to find a better option for this week.

There are 4 nights of baseball games this week. I am going to have to find a sitter to take them around I think.

I need to get some help and leave behind my pride. I am NOT good with asking for help, but am quickly learning it is going to be a necessity to my "new, but not improved" life.

Thanks again,

Michelle
Helpful - 0
572651 tn?1530999357
Dear Michelle,
It is so easy to overlook that beside reinventing a new normal for ourselves, that also applies to the people closest to us.  Your new normal as a mom of several children is going to be different thanks to this MiSerable disease.  

While you don't want to frighten your son with too much detail about what you may or may not be facing with your MS, you do need to reassure him that the two of you can still talk.  Even though his message to you was painful to hear, he is fortunate to be able to verbalize what he is feeling.

Would a simple exercise, such as making a list be of help to him?  When you both can focus and not be interupted, try a list of what you two liked to do together.  Cross out the ones you no longer can do and focus on what is left.  Then get creative and add some new things you can share, so the lost things like basketball and skateboarding  are offset by something new.  Just an idea -

Also, if he continues to grieve so deeply for his grandmother, please think about getting him some grief counseling through hospice or your local childrens hospital.  These friendly group sessions might be what he needs to say his goodbyes and let go of her in a positive way.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of these changes and having to reinvent your entire family dynamics.  I promise you it will get better but its going to take time.

peace,
Lulu
Helpful - 0
405614 tn?1329144114
My heart hurts for you.  I wish I could help in some way.

Maybe you could find new "stuff" that you're able to do with him, even draw pictures with him.  Keep telling him that you love him, and that how you are now is not his fault.

I offer you cyber hugs and a shoulder to cry on, though with my own tears, it could be kinda messy.  I'm feeling very lonely and misunderstood, with no answers.  I can't even work at accepting my new "normal", since I'm not sure what that is.

Grieving is a normal part of this process, from what I've read and experienced.  Life is indeed just plain sad sometimes, but always remember, it is also good.  There will always be something good and true and beautiful to appreciate when you are able.  Maybe even focusing on some of those kind of things can help get you through the worst of times.

So, here come a lot of slightly soggy cyber-hugs, and hopes for brighter days.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kathy
Helpful - 0
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