blast from the past

[wishforchange]

First apologies for not at all looking into other posts so haven't a clue what is going on here.  Decided to post as for the immediate present my difficulties have seen light at the end of the tunnel.  By no means there, and the worst is yet to come, but can put up a post on a forum which has been good to me in the past.

I hope those who remember me and new members are doing well.  I may not stay, as I only feel comfortable here when I am out of danger, but something made me want to write tonight.

Just a note on my exit.  I left because of the reaction of the moderators as my desparation was growing to extreme levels.  Very recently I have dipped my toe into another website forum, entirely unrelated, although connected with health and disability.  Will not say which partly because do not want anyone trying to guess which contributor is me!  Use another name there of course.  I am talking about this other forum because I personally became alarmed at posters talking about their severe desparation in some posts, some had mental health problems too although many do not.  The whole range of topics were covered, from lighthearted to people who clearly were at the end of the line so they felt.  What I found was that such posts were not taken off.  Posts were only removed if they broke rules such as incitement to bully a member or advertising etc.  If a poster was in severe distress, the moderators stepped in and pointed them to related sites where they could get more support, and other members were free to support the poster for as long as needed.

This did not happen for me here when I posted once in severe distress.  My post was taken off, and far from getting support from the site moderators (nothing to do with ANY member here), I received a harsh email, telling me off for making the forum less positive or something.  So much for this being the place of voluntary support they marketed it as.  That is what drove me away.  It seems we can say as we please as long as it constitutes positive advertising for Medhelp.  Now will this post be lifted....?

So yes, was, and am angry.  Some here stuck with me, supporting me privately.  They know the hell I have been through since and compared to what I was complaining about then those problems were trivial.  I have been involved in an accident, had to fight to the death to get myself even close to being in a postition where I was not in permanent danger.  Am still not out of trouble but my gamble with the powers that be has payed off a little, they are communicating with me, and the fear of not surviving is lessening, not yet gone.

Good doctors have left me, others have come up with unexpected problems, such that I am having a whole range of new investigations not thought of before.  My best doctor is still of the impression this is both auto-immune and neurological, and despite his closest colleagues brushing me aside is booking me in for sophisticated tests to this end.  May also have heart issues, may have problems with GI tract.  Physio from accident is concerned at my injury failing to heal and now awaiting more MRIs.  Have graduated from a cane to a crutch, and now find a cane near impossible to use.  Was using two crutches, but down to one.  Limp is so bad that physio told me firmly not to even think of using a cane right now.  Hips so weak cannot support my weight hence putting all into crutch.  Doc's who don't know me think all is due to the accident.  Sigh.

Have doubled medication.  I get on well with the US favourite drug's weaker sister, so rather than taking endless morphine, on riddiculous amounts now, may change to oxycodone, if prescribed - pain assessment in a few month.  Suspect it will work better for me as I respond better to that type of med than morphine, just how I am.  I now go into full withdrawal without my meds as my morphine dose is so high.  Time to try a different drug I think.

Have bumbled throught life thinking I am dim, doing academic and professional training again and again to prove to myself am not so much so.  Always labelled lazy and a dreamer.  Well, was sent for a top psychological evalution by my college and found out something which has made me strangely happy.  I have been vindicated.  I am neither dim nor lazy nor slow.  I am dyslexic.  One of the tests showed me as being at the bottom 0.5% of the population.  What I do have is an exellent memory, in the top 5% of the population!, and good creative thinking.  I learned to read and write using techniques rather than the normal way.  The dyslexia tests uncover these, taking away your ability to use techniques.  Without them I could not read or write or understand the simplest comprehension.  Have discalculia too.

NOT a disability.  Great writers, Einstein, Leonardo de Vinvci, Richard Branson....the list goes on - all dyslexic.  I am proud that I hid it that well it took half a lifetime to uncover it.  Am no genius, but clearly no fool either.  

Depending on how positive things turn out may stay, would like to.  But if things go badly cannot write on forum until more stable.  Is just a shame we have to monitor ourselves so much.  So many time I was screaming inside for help, and a wonderful person here, you know who you are, supported me through every crisis.  Will not embarass you but you must know that without you I would have gone under a long time back.  Hope you stick with me if things turn out bad.

Must be so many new people here who neither know who I am or understand this, sorry.  But for those who remember me, I'm not joking when  I say I think of you all most days, you are a great bunch, and have missed not being able to post and chat.

Have a work commitment deadline so must go.

Please no welcome back's!  Am not sure if I am back, just posting to test the water.  But of course chat back to me and let me know your news.  Will check in on the site later.

love

WFC

[kmil1999]

You sell yourself short!  you must be brilliant to have learned so much on your own.  

I think most of us have gotten to the point at one time or other on this weird journey were we need to vent.  

Just know, I will be here to listen if needed. I know I don't have anyone to share these physical difficulties with and it helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

Stay well (by the way, if you are questioning your own sanity, I'm afraid to tell you that you are sane! lol, if you were insane, you wouldn't be questioning it!

Karen
  

[slightlybroken]

I won't say it, so instead... I'll say...So nice to see you again! You have been truely missed. I'm glad that you've come back, to at least test the waters and hopefully you'll decide to stay for awhile.

Miss You :)