HIV Phobia maybe OCD

[rky1209]

It's going to be a very long post please Extremely Sorry for that.
I think I have OCD (irrational fear of hiv).

I am starting from the beginning
In year 2009 or 2010 some people came to my school from WHO to give information about HIV. I learned many things and everything is going fine.

But in 2013 I got cut on my right hand (Due to my anger I punch on a glass to get saving kit from that saving kit to take out blade so that I can cut my wrist because my mom said something inappropriate but that is the first and last time I attempted sudide). After that I went to hospital. They gave an anti-tetnius drug for that they use d a syringe.

First time I thought about HIV when after 2 days, my cut is not heling I thought may be they had use, a used syringe to inject anti-tetnius and because of this my wound is not heling. I went next day asked that nurse she said they never reuse syringes.

After 3-6 months I have some itching problem then again I think I have hiv and I started reading about hiv more and more and I believed that I have hiv and never have guts to go and get tested. I told everything to my parents about that fear and I said I want to get myself tested because if hiv is detected on early stage then I can live on medication for 10-20 years. My father said these are irrational thoughts and you don't have to go for the test and asked me some questions like; Have you ever went to Red Light Area? I said the truth and that is I never ever went to Red Light Area; I don't even talk to girl and I neither touch. Then he said don't worry You don't have HIV. I also said I can get HIV by used syringe also, then he said yes if syringe is used and it have a HIV+ blood and you actually asked to that nurse and she said they don't use used syringe.
After that I feel relaxed and every thing is going normal.

Until I squashed a mosquitoe and blood from that mosquitoe stick on my hand. When I squashed a mosquitoe I don't even thought about HIV. After squashing mosquitoe when I go to pee then I have panic attack that, I might have touched the tip of my penis(mucous memberne) with the same hand from which I squashed a mosquitoe at least 30 minute before. After that incident I again searched more and more about HIV and read lots of HIV related research papers and belived that I have HIV.

In the year 2016 I have mixed feelings sometimes I feel happy because I though I don't have HIV and some I fell I have HIV and got upset and tense I thought I should go and get myself tested for hiv because at least after that I will know my real status that I should worry or not?
I tested the result was negative (HIV-) means I don't have HIV. I became happy actually I am on cloud nine. But it's a temporary joy for about 4-5 days.

I started to think of that mosquitoe incident and try to remember when it actually happened but unable to recall and again thought I have HIV and the result was -ve because I was on window period. These thoughts continued for some period but after sometime I got busy with my works and I forget that incident.

Again in 2016 I have itching problem and this time it's a male yest infection but belive me I never ever had sex. I go to local doctor he knows me very well and just for fun he said it's a STD and again I started thinking of HIV he also said I should maintain good hygine, he also said I should wash my private parts and should wash my penis's mucous memberne also because my hygine is very bad (that time I wear clothes for about 15-20 days without washing it and take bath once are twice week). After that I never met that local doctor. I meet a skin specialist doctor he said I have to go for some blood and liver test. And gave some medicine and said that yeast infection can happen due to bad hygine also.

Due to yeast infection I got tensed because I never ever had sex I thought maybe my immune system is week because I have HIV also thought about that mosquitoe incident.
Due to these fear I again tested on 2017 again the result is negative but this time I am not that much happy after seeing my test result because some where inside my heart I already know in advance that, the result will be negative.

3 or 4 days after the test I went to the baraber shop and again my bad luck continued. I got cut and he apply a stone like subtance (potash alum an anti syptic). I again got tensed and thought I have HIV. I again read things about HIV for somedays. After some days I came back to my home and that HIV thought was gone when I thought of joining the Army and again every things becomes normal.

Now THE recent incident which completly changed my life and makes my life hell.
I am preparing for some exam and everything is going fine but I don't know why I am thinking that something bad going to happen. And then my brain played the master strok. While one day I was taking bath and washing my private parts then I thought what if one mosquitoe got stuck between upper skin and mucous memberne of penis and after that thought it became my daily habit to check at least 4 -5 time while taking bath.
One day while doing my work on Laptop I touch my nose with my index finger and show that my thumb have some dry blood (it might be from squashed mosquitoe) and I panicked and searched for HIV and mosquitoe for several days and when I reached a conclusion that it is not possible for a mosquitoe to spread HIV then my brain comes up with an old incident of that barber shop incident and that makes me highly anxious and I again got tested for HIV in 2018 (recently about 2month ago).

And now I my life becomes hell I lost focus I feared to bath and also I feared to pee. Some time I have thoughts like what if some mosquitoe from underneath my pant and reaches my rectum and I sat and all blood from mosquitoe stick to my rectum and what if that blood is from HIV infected person. There are many more what if situation. Currently I am scared of every thing I wash my hand when I touch something etc. I feared from eating outside due what if situation.
But I think I know these fear are irrational but I am unable to control it. I also think that my brain like to being tensed and anxious because I when I don't have any anxious thought then I fell that it searches for thoughts which makes my brain anxious.

I recently went to a psycatrist,

The doctor wrote
∆? OCD
on the prescription.
And gave me the following medicine

1-Pantocid DSR
2- Floxin 20
3-Sizodom MD 0.5
4-Clonil 25

I asked him for side effects he said you will fell sleepy and dry mouth.
Are those medicine safe for me, I am 23 year old?

[Hopeforlight]

Hi there...i do have hiv ocd...everytime i got wound or small cut i always fear that i would get hiv...i even fear to touch my friends and strangers..i know your suffering..but dont give up..