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Childhood memories haunting me.

Im an 33 year old male and im suffering from anxiety an OCD.

When i was kid probably 10yrs i sexually experimented with a male cousin and some good school friends of mine around the same age of mine. Those kids were maybe around 2 years older and some 2 years younger than me. We never abused by anyone adult or older teen but i am sure that we were imitating sex scenes we saw on tv or a pornography scene we saw somewhere. Nothing was coercive or intrusive we were young kids and good friends that we used to play together from early ages. We were practicing kissing and imitating sex scenes by dry humping each other... (nothing oral or penetrative occured thank god...) the disgusting part is that sometimes we was naked and sometimes not....These events occured when we was on school vacations, eventually we stopped it before we became 11 or 12 my memory not helping me to remember how exactly we stopped it and why. We grew up together and remained very close friends with each other and especially with my beloved cousin.

I grew up completely heterosexual as most of my friends and we had our first crushes on girls during teen years. One guy is gay now and im worrying if this is because of our childhood sexual plays.... As an adult i had healthy and non healthy relationships with women like all human beings...
Evertime depression hits me back again its nightmare because i have longtime and hard episodes of anxiety, extreme guilt, HOCD and im blaming my self cause im thinking that i harmed those kids....
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Avatar universal
If you were the same age you were also a kid, so unless you were the ringleader and they all followed you blindly you were all equally involved.  Given the percentage of people who are gay, it would be odd if a couple of you weren't gay to begin with.  You don't cause gay -- gay just is.  Given that being gay is just as fine as not being gay, why would you be guilty of "causing" someone to become gay?  This is the problem with that thing they're calling HOCD.  It isn't really a thing.  It's giving in to a centuries old bias against being gay and letting it become an obsession, even if we're not overtly aware of having it.  Gay people have it as well, which is why so many have such a difficult time being gay.  It's going to take a long time to overcome that period of our history when major religions began to persecute gay people; before that, it appears that homosexuality was common and bisexuality was more the norm.  Most people don't know this history, or they know it and just don't think about it, but if you study the ancient Greeks and the Romans etc. there's a lot of homosexuality there and it's both accepted and often idealized.  Norms change.  If you can accept gay as okay, it's hard to see how anyone would have this thing called HOCD.  Peace.  
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Dear Paxiled.

Thank you for the time you spend to reply me.
I am not homophobic or racist and and i know many gay people who they are great personalities.
Furthermore my concerns and fears kicks when HOCD and severe anxieties episodes starts and believe me tou cant control them .
Its actually intrusive and disturbing thoughts popping in my head and i cant control them its nothing to do with the acceptance of gay people.
I never knew until recently in my late life that both same and opposite sexual experimention between same age kids is fairly common and I trained my mind with big regrets, guilts and low self esteem.
I also met gay people with the same condition OCD.

Thank you again my friend!
And peace to you also!!!
973741 tn?1342342773
Gosh, you have a lot going on in your head.  I will agree completely with Paxiled.  The only counter point I have is that questioning if you are gay or not and having mixed feelings about the suspicion that you are can create emotions.  In some countries, being gay is illegal. Sounds kind of strange to me but even in America, we sadly still have prejudice that can make it the less easy road to travel for some.  Church, parents, society can make someone have a difficult time than they should for loving who they love.  Sad reality.  But everyone has to be who they are in my opinion and who they are is okay. Fine even.  Even good.  But the struggle to figure it out can be real.  I have teens and some days they struggle with their identity and not liking themselves.  I think it is a phase for some people. Adding in their questioning their sexuality, ya.  They can get anxious and self conscious (pretty normal at a certain age).  And because we all have random thoughts in our heads, some think that means that they ARE this or that when they are just thoughts. I think we can have fantasies and whatnot and that's all it is. It doesn't mean you will marry someone of the same sex just because you fantasized about it some.  Or even had some experimental episodes with them.  That's just my take on it.

Anyway, have you ever considered talking to a psychologist/therapist?  They can be really great at working through issues we 'wonder about' within ourselves.  They are supposed to be a no judgement zone, so you can freely talk there when you might not tell everyone in your daily life these things.

OCD is a medical condition. People often misuse the term to describe other things.  Keep that in mind.  Having strong thoughts might not be OCD.  Anxiety all in itself may cause intrusive thoughts.  So, this again would be helpful to talk to someone about. Do these thoughts tempt you to do something you'd otherwise not want to do or are they just thoughts?
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DEAR sepcialmom

As i mentioned above i have been happily heterosexual in my entire life and im going to be for the rest of my life and thank god i have had many women in my life.... Im open minded person and someone being gay is acceptable and respectable if thats makes him happy, from my point of view..
The nature of these experiments makes me feel anxious and guilty.
We where kids and we recreated something we saw on tv or porn and keep in mind that we grew up separated from the female kids in my area but that's not an excuse.
Putting HOCD, ANXIETY etc...... aside
Im wondering now if im normal person and if im deserving happiness.??
We was normal kids or we was kids with sexual behavior problems? It was normal?  Pervert ? Did we abused each other?
You can't be happily heterosexual and have HOCD.  It's impossible.  You say you have no control over your thoughts, but of course, you do, it's just really really hard to do especially for those of us with an anxiety disorder or depression.  I believe you're hetero, that's not the point.  But HOCD is insecurity about one's sexuality.  In your case, you did something when you were too young to make adult judgments about, and it seems everyone else involved moved on.  That you haven't means you have a problem they don't.  It happens.  That's what you need to work on.  As to being a normal person there is no such thing.  It's a stereotype.  We're all pretty weird if we want to look at it that way.  The real issue is, you seem to be fine, you treat people well, your sexuality is set, and yet here you are, living like this.  Therapy, my friend, should be your next step in life, and move past this.  Whatever happened can't unhappen, and again, nobody else involved seems at all concerned about it.  Nobody seems to have been hurt.  And we're all a little or a lot homophobic, including gay people because the persecution of centuries lives on.  We're trying to move past it.  Our deep social division show we haven't.  But you can.  Peace.
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