Avatar universal

Do I actually have HOCD or is it an early phase of the coming out?

I'm a 14 year old male. All of this started about 3 months ago, I've never had thoughts about being homosexual because I never felt sexually aroused by a guy or boy.

Suddenly out of nowhere I just had the question "Am I homosexual?" that's where it began. I didn't really think much of it in the first week but soon it began to get worse, I started comparing both genders and what I like and don't like, it always turned out that I can only get sexually aroused by the opposite sex and that I can't get sexually aroused by the same sex and I still do these tests/comparisons every day even though it doesn't make sense to do it since I already have my answer that I'm heterosexual.

I wake up with these thoughts every day and I go to sleep with them every day. And thinking about being homosexual is not great for me because there is no pleasure!

I also watched gay pornography to see if it turns me on and then i proceeded to watch "normal" pornography if that turns me on, always turned out that the "normal" pornography turns me on.

I'am also looking for reassurance alot by browsing through the internet to see if people feel the same way I do and that is a great feeling when I see that that's the case. I can relate to people who have HOCD alot, almost feels like I know these people even though I never met them.

A week ago I had the problem with the way I was walking, I filmed myself to see if I was walking in a gay or feminin way. All of this makes me very unsure about my sexuality. I had thoughts about commiting suicide and ending it all because this current state is not making me feel happy. I just want to get my old life back before I had these thoughts I always felt attracted to girls, now it feels like I'm losing that attraction to them. Sometimes I even ask myself if I'm in denial and I just can't realize it. Or what if I realize that I'm actually gay but when I'm 50 years old.

Recently I started thinking what if I'm attracted to one of my friends? Just out of nowhere and that weirded me out and my groin area started to tickle, I was worried but then also knew that it wouldn't make sense because I can just talk to them normally in school without being nervous and I don't think of them every day which means that im not in love with one of them.

I even went further to test myself and put my finger up my ass, I really am disgusted by writing this but I just had to see if I like it or not and I didn't! I don't want to get too in-depth about this since it is making me really uncomfortable.
And is it even possible that I have HOCD with 14 years?!
Or am I in denial and I don't know that I'm homosexual?

This feels like an endless "ritual" or circle I can't step out of. I just don't want these thoughts anymore.
Should I visit a psychiatrist?
1 Responses
Avatar universal
First, psychiatrists are mainly for medication and they are really expensive.  What you would want is a psychologist or other type of talk therapist.  I'm alone on this site as not believing HOCD is OCD at all.  You are definitely having obsessive thoughts, though, and they are unpleasant.  The first question would be, did something happen to start this?  You say it came out of nowhere but maybe if you dig down deep something happened, such as rejection or perceived rejection by a female you liked.  Of course you are going to feel a lack of attraction to women if your mind is obsessed by thinking about other things -- only so much room in there.  And let me be the first to tell you, as you are young and sound like you haven't had any actual sexual activity yet, having a finger in your ass feel pretty good for heterosexual men and women sometimes.  It can make an orgasm more intense.  It has nothing at all to do with your sexuality, it's just physiology and where the pressure is being felt.  But there is something in what you are saying that might explain why this bothers you so much, and that is, you do sound very anti-gay.  You have stereotypes that those who have no knowledge of gay people have.  Not all gay men are effeminate, and there is no gay way of walking.  A lot of the action heroes you probably watch are gay.  Just as not all heterosexual people are the same, neither are all gay people.  You also use the term gay pornography vs. "normal" porn.  Whether or not any porn is "normal," by using that term you are again letting it be known that normal for you is hetero and gay is not normal.  But it is normal for a gay person.  You are obviously hetero, but you are also evincing great insecurity about yourself and your sexuality and therapy might let you learn why you're feeling that.  You might also figure that out on your own.  But these thoughts only bother you because you are very biased against gays, and you probably don't even know that or think that, but it clearly comes out in how you talk about it.  Don't feel bad about that, we have lived through several centuries of anti-gay bias and we all have it to some extent, including gay people.  It wasn't always like that; if you go back far enough in history you'll find bisexuality and homosexuality were common and accepted.  But that was a long time ago, and so it's been very hard to get past that and accept people for who they are.  You're having a hard time accepting yourself for who you are.  Talking it out with someone might very well help.  Peace.
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