Avatar universal

Do I have HOCD or am i just gay? Please help

I am a 19 year old guy and for the past 2 years I have been constantly questioning my sexuality. It drives me crazy and haven't had a single day in the past 2 years that haven't been completely filled with questioning my sexuality. I really just want advice and help because I am starting to go insane. I always thought I was straight, I was always attracted to girls in my school, had huge crushes on girls growing up, and always dreamed about having a girlfriend growing up. I was constantly rejected by every single one of my crushes growing up, and always never understood why I never could get a girl to like me back. I had buttferflies with them when I was young, and had a crush on a really good looking girl just up until I started obsessing about my orientation. For some reason, I was the most bullied kid in school, and started getting told I was a "queer, fag, homo" everyday at school by 8th grade. It made me scared to go to school and I began wondering what I was doing that was gay, because I liked girls. I began analyzing how I walked, talked, and felt left out by everyone. I was aroused by women my entire life, whether it be from nude women in movies, pictures, or life. I started watching pornography around 12-13 years old. It started out with just straight pornography, and watched it all the time because I had so much free time, being that I didn't have many friends. Now the reason I question myself now Is because I am aroused by gay porn. I eventually got into it probably sometime around 15 years old. I feel like after seeing so much straight porn, that I may have somehow gotten bored of the same old, and wanted something new. I remember it felt so abnormal and different and it aroused me. Although it aroused me, I still didn't like watching it and only watched it in scarce increments because I didn't like masturbating to it, It didn't feel like me. So even when this is going on, I was still attracted to girls in my school, and had crushes. It wasn't until I got in my senior year of school when I suddenly realized that woah. If I get aroused by gay porn, I must be gay. It never dinged on me before. Ever since, my entire romantic attraction to women has completely died. I've spent so much time in the past 2 years looking online for answers, and I find people saying that people with my similar story may have HOCD, but I also see people saying that they must be gay. No matter how much I think about if I'm gay, I cant accept it. I constantly check myself to naked men pictures, gay pornography, straight pornography, and nude women to try to see what I am. I don't get aroused by pictures of nude men, but once I see a video of gay porn or a guy jacking off, I get aroused. I'm so freaked out by it and feel like I have somehow changed my sexual tastes, or am aroused by the taboo factor or something. I just cant accept that I could be gay. Sometimes when I check, I get satisfied that I am not aroused, then go on a two day streak where I feel happy and straight. I find myself attracted to girls in these 2 days, but then as soon as I start stressing again my whole attraction to everything fades. I now find myself analyzing every guy I walk past, that I don't even want to in public. Men that are not even attractive can make me analyze if I actually do find them attractive. Its making me have an entire identity crisis and all I want is for it to be done. I want to be able to be attracted to women, be in a relationship with one, and think that that will somehow make all my doubts disappear. Please tell me what you think. It just seems like if I were to be gay somehow, that I would have to lose a part of me that used to fantasize about girls, and that amazing feeling that was actual love with another girl. That's all I wanted in my life, and girls made me feel a way that I honesty cant put into words. And the thought that this arousal to gay porn would mean that I have to accept it and somehow embrace it, frightens me. It doesn't feel like me.
Thank you if you read this all, I'm so tired of life being this awful.
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9784446 tn?1421337046
have you taken help from a professional?
If not then its the time for you to consult a psychiatrist.
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Avatar universal
The reason you got aroused by gay porn was because maybe straight porn didn't turned you on as much, you should go check out other sites about porn addiction like your Brian on porn I believe. I did had a porn addiction but never got into gay porn and I started watching porn at age 6 and now I'm 14 but porn wasn't the problem to why my hocd started. It was just a thought telling me if I was gay but couldn't let it go. I stopped the porn for like 3 weeks and the masturbation and my sex drive went up. Now that my hocd is worse than before I can't stop masturbating to girls for reassurance and can't stop the porn. Anyways good luck!-- Captn
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