I am a 19 year old guy and for the past 2 years I have been constantly questioning my sexuality. It drives me crazy and haven't had a single day in the past 2 years that haven't been completely filled with questioning my sexuality. I really just want advice and help because I am starting to go insane. I always thought I was straight, I was always attracted to girls in my school, had huge crushes on girls growing up, and always dreamed about having a girlfriend growing up. I was constantly rejected by every single one of my crushes growing up, and always never understood why I never could get a girl to like me back. I had buttferflies with them when I was young, and had a crush on a really good looking girl just up until I started obsessing about my orientation. For some reason, I was the most bullied kid in school, and started getting told I was a "queer, fag, homo" everyday at school by 8th grade. It made me scared to go to school and I began wondering what I was doing that was gay, because I liked girls. I began analyzing how I walked, talked, and felt left out by everyone. I was aroused by women my entire life, whether it be from nude women in movies, pictures, or life. I started watching pornography around 12-13 years old. It started out with just straight pornography, and watched it all the time because I had so much free time, being that I didn't have many friends. Now the reason I question myself now Is because I am aroused by gay porn. I eventually got into it probably sometime around 15 years old. I feel like after seeing so much straight porn, that I may have somehow gotten bored of the same old, and wanted something new. I remember it felt so abnormal and different and it aroused me. Although it aroused me, I still didn't like watching it and only watched it in scarce increments because I didn't like masturbating to it, It didn't feel like me. So even when this is going on, I was still attracted to girls in my school, and had crushes. It wasn't until I got in my senior year of school when I suddenly realized that woah. If I get aroused by gay porn, I must be gay. It never dinged on me before. Ever since, my entire romantic attraction to women has completely died. I've spent so much time in the past 2 years looking online for answers, and I find people saying that people with my similar story may have HOCD, but I also see people saying that they must be gay. No matter how much I think about if I'm gay, I cant accept it. I constantly check myself to naked men pictures, gay pornography, straight pornography, and nude women to try to see what I am. I don't get aroused by pictures of nude men, but once I see a video of gay porn or a guy jacking off, I get aroused. I'm so freaked out by it and feel like I have somehow changed my sexual tastes, or am aroused by the taboo factor or something. I just cant accept that I could be gay. Sometimes when I check, I get satisfied that I am not aroused, then go on a two day streak where I feel happy and straight. I find myself attracted to girls in these 2 days, but then as soon as I start stressing again my whole attraction to everything fades. I now find myself analyzing every guy I walk past, that I don't even want to in public. Men that are not even attractive can make me analyze if I actually do find them attractive. Its making me have an entire identity crisis and all I want is for it to be done. I want to be able to be attracted to women, be in a relationship with one, and think that that will somehow make all my doubts disappear. Please tell me what you think. It just seems like if I were to be gay somehow, that I would have to lose a part of me that used to fantasize about girls, and that amazing feeling that was actual love with another girl. That's all I wanted in my life, and girls made me feel a way that I honesty cant put into words. And the thought that this arousal to gay porn would mean that I have to accept it and somehow embrace it, frightens me. It doesn't feel like me.
Thank you if you read this all, I'm so tired of life being this awful.