Do I have HOCD?

[Redscore7935]

So this is weird to write but I really really need confirmation that this is probably what I’m experiencing. So it’s weird to say but when I was younger I used to like to read stories on DeviantArt under a random subcategory bc I thought they were funny. They also kind of turned me on. It gave me a crisis and I took about a 1,000 of those dumb “am I gay?” Tests. I got straight every single time. Eventually I concluded that I couldn’t be gay because I would never want to kiss a girl. That was four years ago. In around June, I randomly started getting thoughts about this YouTuber I really liked. She never turned me on, but my mind kept jumping to “are you into her? Do you think she’s attractive? Would you date her?” The answer was no, every time. I started doing it with every girl I saw, online, on tv, in real life. I couldn’t control myself. I kept checking to see if I would get turned on. If I did, I’d feel ashamed and tell myself i needed to “come out.” If I got turned on by a guy, I told myself I was lying to myself. In the past, I had a kind of “boyfriend”- things were never official, but I liked him and he liked me. I had liked another guy the past year as well. Nevertheless, I told myself I was faking, that I never liked them, that I was covering up. I used examples from when I was little (reading those stories, always rooting for the prettiest contestant on game shows) as a sign I was never actually straight. It got so bad over the summer that I was taking hundreds of “am I gay” tests and Kinsey scale tests. Answering honestly, I always got straight and exclusively heterosexual. It gave me so much anxiety about dating. I hadn’t been interested in dating before, simply because I’m fairly practical and I am very school focused, but now I was considering it to be because I was gay. By the end of the summer, I care to the conclusion I was straight. The idea of kissing a woman or having sex with one was unappealing. This brought me incredible relief. However, about two weeks later, I became stressed again, and began taking tests. I also began using weird indicators (if I can fit ten words on this line while taking notes, I’m straight; if I can take two steps on each kitchen tile, I’m straight; if I can hold my breath for a minute, I’m straight, etc). I knew I was being irrational. I assured myself I was straight. I started liking a boy in my geometry class and then told myself I was lying and that I wasn’t really into him. During this period, I also was obsessively searching coming out stories to “identify” myself with one. I told myself deep down that I was a lesbian and was just in denial. During one of these searches, I found out about HOCD and was blown away. I took a checklist and got almost every symptom. But I’m worried that I’m faking it, that if I went to a psychiatrist they’d tell me I was just suppressed and that I didn’t really have HOCD. I also find myself consistently checking, avoiding anything that involves homosexuality, repeating phrases like “I’m straight” to myself, and even asking family members for reassurance. Recently my father told me that your finger length could predict sexuality, so I’ve been doing that obsessively too. I also have extremely disturbing intrusive thoughts about women and men.  I hope this is coherent and I really hope someone can help me out. I do have a history of OCD, but I’ve never questioned my orientation this hard. It’s ruining my life.

[specialmom]

I see a lot of worry on these forums and just want to say having fantasies and thoughts about the same sex does not make you homosexual.  Many are a bit fascinated by what is taboo to them or off limits.  While you do sound anxious, you also sound fixated on something.  If you treat your anxiety in a general way, this over thinking may resolve. I'd try that.