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Avatar universal

Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long
39 Responses
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Avatar universal
hello my name is alexandre zebeda and i'm 19 years old and the exacte same thing happens to me.. one day me and my girl listened to queen and she learned his history and told me that she would be affraid that i leave her for a guy and since that day i kept i my head the though about leaving her for a man, but the thing is i have loved womens my whole lives and never though about my sexuality because for me heterosexuality i took it for granted, i know some friend's who are gay but it never bothered me because i have respect for them and i knew  that it wasn't my stuff, but know those thoughs are in my head and i can't get them away and it 's making me mad, depressed and feeling like suicidal, i know that i am straight but my mind tells me that i am gay and show's me images of me doing thing's i would never do because i know who i am, it has become a living nightmares thinking about those thoughts who comes back, i tried porn to see if i still straight ( no gay porn, it's just...TO MUCH !!! ), it help me for a while but then th though and urges comes back worse and it makes me doubt if i'm in denial or not..only time it goes away for a time is when i'm with my girfriend and at those moments i feel at peace. I have never been attracted to guys but know i feel fear,weak when i see a picture of a half naked man or watches my back all time to see if a man is behind because i'm unconfortable to have a man behind me, give's me the creep...i just whant to finish my self, those thought come back stronger and i Don't know how to get theme away for good… and because of those thoughs, images and urges i can't ave my head fully in work...Always analysing my thoughs but i end often been depressed or really angry !...i though for a while am i gay or bi but it feels wrong, i feel REALLY attracted to girl but feel's Nothing for mens but the thought keeps saying that i am or in denial… please help me i can't take this anymore...I Always saw myself having a girlfriend, living together and having kid's and i still see that when i think of the futur, i can't see myself be gay
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Avatar universal
I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm a woman though but having the same type of thoughts about other women. I have always dated men always been with men never been attracted to women. I started getting ROCD about a year and a half ago. That's hhow my OCD first started, now It  has turned itself into H OCD. I have a boyfriend so this makes it even harder. I act for a living and work for the TV show empire, which if you have ever seen it there is a lot of homosexuality in it. I never used to have these thoughts or anything and now all of a sudden I do. After everything that I read it that has to do with OCD in HOC DI follow  everything to a T. I see a psychologist and he's been my psychologist since I was a kid. I finally brought up to him all these thoughts and he said that it was OCD. He told me that my mind is trying to get me to think things that aren't true. He told me that there's never been a case in OCD when someone's been so distraught and worried about something  but the thought was actually real. Now I wonder too because they say you just be worried or your family and friends would think if you were gay and that's it but if you're not you're just worried about actually being gay. I get both so I get a double whammy I'm worried about what my parents think and everybody else but I'm also terrified of actually just being it because I don't want to be it. I think we all know we are not gay, but the thoughts are so damn real it's hard to tell. It's left me hopeless, depressed, angry, sad and at times emotionless which is so not me. I just want to be married to my bf and have babies and love the life I always wanted before this disease!!
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Avatar universal
Holy hell man, I'm a 21 year old male and these were my exact thoughts for the longest time! It ***** so bad. One day while high as hell I questioned my sexuality and ever since I have had the worst anxiety. The ups and downs of am I gay? Could I be gay? Nah I've never even considered it until now. Can't be true. But could it be? Over and over these thoughts would constantly run through my head. I'm now at a point where the anxiety and ocd has fully subsided in regards to this question. I am not clouded in my love for women anymore. I found that meditation and consistently reminding yourself that you've never been attracted to men helps a ton. I am finally myself again and am happier than I've ever been. It'll all pass!
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Avatar universal
Just read that article truly was and is how in feel on and off very good insight
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Avatar universal
Great article: I'm Gay and You're Not. google it.
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Avatar universal
I've had the same thoughts for about 3 months after my fiance had left for Europe for a missions trip I am a religious man I am 19 years old and I'm scared I'm loosing my fiance over this because I feel like I'm gay I have thoughts I wish would go away I went to an therapist 2 weeks ago and up until this last Monday so about a week in felt great but my mind all of a sudden went downhill and this time tumbling fast I get sick to my stomach about thus and I go back in this Tuesday he said it was ocd and I believe him just feeling like its to much to bear right now what do I do I don't wanna feel this way
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Avatar universal
Hi I am 18 years old and a senior in high school.  Over the last two years, I have been experiencing intrusive gay thoughts.  This is driving me crazy because I have liked girls my whole life.  The more I think these thoughts, the more real they feel.  I have tried to tell myself this is just HOCD, but that is not working.  What makes it worse is that over the last month, I have started to feel arousal from these thoughts.  It has gotton so bad, that I feel like I cant turn on the tv or watch some of my favorite movies because I am afraid I will find a guy attractive or get aroused.  This is just really hard because I know I like girls and have never been attracted to guys.  Bottom line is do you guys think this is HOCD OR DENIAL. If anyone responds it will be appreciated because I am starting to lose my mind.
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7084516 tn?1387877199
I used to feel the same way and always thought that to be gay would mean being out there looking for men to pick up 24/7. I would prohibit myself from any triggers that may stimulate the thoughts. I found myself being in a very lonely predicament. I had girlfriends but there was always that skepticism in my head, due to the fact that I found most girls to have bisexual tendencies and found that it was not proper for a man to play with another man. So even with girls, I found myself thinking about what it would be like to have a boy friend. It's crazy but it takes discipline in this world we are living in. The triggers are out there, we men just have to be strong and learn to turn the other cheek. Keep fighting it. You will win dude.
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Avatar universal
you aren't gay dude trust me. I know that no matter what anyone tells you, the anxiety will only temporarily fade away, that is why you MUST see a psychiatrist that specialises in OCD and behavioural therapy. make sure they specialise in ocd otherwise they may just think you are in denial even though you are definitely not gay. If you were gay, why would you even care that the girl you were seeing ended things with you? Depression and stress can cause this type of thing as well, I was depressed a few years ago due to a failed romance. I believe this is what triggered it. It also seems that you have ocd since you were young. Did you have other compulsions, such as lining things up with with your eyes, not stepping on cracks or touching something a certain number of times? There are multiple other compulsions but those are the most prominent.
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Avatar universal
Hey everyone I'm going through this pain in the arse **** as well, when I was younger I had to blink at people once or three times but never two times because I believed that they would die ( that was when I was 13 and picked up that stupid superstition after watching a movie where the main character blinked twice at another person who died in that movie, that' sorta of went away after a while then realise how stupid it was )  . I remember being depressed , the girl I was seeing  interest in me at the same time my dad was in hospital for cancer ( still is and dying from it ) the person who was next to him was a man who was married with 4 kids but realised he was gay, when I first met him I thought he was ******* weird . Anyway here's why triggerd me,, i was watching the rugby and mum had said the person next to my dad in the hospital room was married but realised he was gay , it didnt bother me , went to bed with too much energy ( I need to exercise or I can't sleep)  that night watching predator and excited about waking up at 5 am to workout but then that thought entered my head out of nowhere the. I had a massive adrenaline rush through my body from bottom to top followed by a two hour pannic attack , it's been 6 weeks since then and it feels like my mind keeps playing tricks on me , I've always liked women and sports and never ever thought about men  in that way and it still scares me, about 4 weeks after the pannic attack something nice happen I worked my self up with another pannic attack than I fell into a deep sleep and woke up the next day feeling like my old self but than a girl I was seeing ( met 2 days after the pannic attack) said she didn't want to see me anymore which made me pissed off/ upset and seemed to set me back into the old thinking cycle , felt like a kick in the guts when I was getting back on one foot and the other one was about to follow ,after watching a horror movie during this time I felt like I was gonna be possed and I woke up in the middle of the night punching in the air cause I thought someone was sitting on top of me and screamed get of me ( never done that before ), I'm too scared to hang out with my mates cause i feel like I might do something silly , I had a mate who has always been a bit fruity and sent strange sexual texts not only to me but everyone anyway i think he might be gay or bi ( which i sorta knew before but didnt bother me anyway me and ny mates went out one night i hadnt start drinking yet and that bloke smacked me on the arse i turned around and king hit him in the face ) i got drunk and the intrusive thoughts were gone or atleast at minmal which didnt bother me  i chased girls that night ( drunken words bring out sober thought) also I did natural bodybuilding but have lost 10kgs because I've felt do mentally fatigued and too tired to eat or train which pisses me off when u spend so long building up your body . Anyway can anyone please help I feel like a prisoner in my own mind which I know will go away but it feels like hell atm
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Avatar universal
i guess you're right :) thank you and goodluck to you as well
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Avatar universal
You have very similar symptoms to my own, you really don't need to worry , nobody here would ever dream you were gay or bi because we've all felt the same ad you. To be honest, I don't think you truly believe you are either, it's an irrational fear buddy. Try to find a medical professional who specializes or is knowledgable in OCD, nobody wants to see anyone else suffer from this . Best of luck to you my friend!!
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Avatar universal
I think I am going to tell my parents but I am going to have to take some time before i do. And yea i have religiously scoured the internet for posts about HOCD but even though I was reassured at the time, I would never be satisfied with it over time. Now, I look at other peoples HOCD posts and think "they are obviously going through HOCD i wish my problems were like theirs rather than how mine are" i just never feel like my symptoms exactly match up... and are you saying that it's possible that I actually am gay but just have ocd about it?

I know you have already said that you don't think I am gay but I just think like this and i HATE it. Every little detail that points towards me being a homosexual amplifies and twists my mind. I can't handle it. And what I meant before was I saw the difference between being in gay denial and ocd is if you were gay you would be anxious about what family think and that with hocd you would be afraid of not being hetrosexual. At the start of my ocd i remember being afraid of what family and friends would think but i can't remember if I was afraid of not being attracted to women any more.

I know you've already explained all this to me but I never feel like it covers everything and the parts of what I'm feeling that arent explained to me are the parts that mean I am actually gay. I don't get sexually aroused thinking about men which is reassuring but i still seem to be checking them out... I can tell you're thinking that you've already explained this already and why don't I get it but as I'm sure you know, this ocd is vicious... thanks again :)
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
You know, I have boys...19 and 17 and I would hope that if they were having some sort of problem that they would come to me.  You wouldn't believe how understanding parents are.  Why don't you tell them the truth.  Tell them what has been going on in your mind, that you looked it up online and found HOCD and that is what you think you have, and that you would like to see a psychologist because you are not able to let the thought go.  That you are miserable and it is causing you to have anxiety.  

Have you looked on this forum?  I mean really looked through the posts?  The majority of them are HOCD posts.  Do you think that all these people are gay?  It is a very, very common irrational thought.  I had it myself once and I was married at the time.  It is a thought that would turn your life upside down if it were true and that is what OCD thoughts do.  We pick the scariest thing and we run with it.  

I am going to bump something to the top by Sparky43.  It really describes OCD in a nutshell so give it a look.  
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Avatar universal
but is what I described to you normal for someone with hocd? and how do i tell my parents?
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1699033 tn?1514113133
If you don't feel comfortable tell your parents exactly what is bothering you, then you can tell them that you are having some anxiety and that it won't go away.  Tell them that your mind feels like it is in overdrive and you would like to see a doctor to help you.  
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Avatar universal
but is it normal to not have that attraction to girls all the time? because I haven't had proper attraction to girls since this started like two months ago. Should I get professional help and how should i tell my parents? I am in the middle of a spike at the moment, and it has probably been the worst one I have ever had. I guess im handling it better than the initial spike though but barely. But with this spike I actually feel like I am really gay. Like there is almost no attraction to girls at all (unless they were girls I saw as attractive before the HOCD) and i hate myself for experimenting with masturbation because when i think about that it turns me on! but thinking about having sex with either guy or girl doesnt! I know i have to try not to check but its almost impossible. And also you were talking about having anxiety attacks which I dont get. I just get sad and it feels like I am in denial. I am so sorry for asking so many questions but it just doesnt sink in with my brain! Everytime i realise what i have isnt gay denial, my "symptoms" change and I feel different to everyone else with HOCD. Is this normal? I think this spike may be due to the pot i did last week. the day after i did it, this spike began, but that was before i decided to quit.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Oh trust me...I know exactly what your brain is doing because remember...I have the same brain.  
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Avatar universal
ok that actually makes me feel alot better :) I didnt know it was possible to worry about something this much. Sorry for asking you to answer honestly and stuff i just get so paranoid that my brain made me think that you were just saying i had HOCD to stop me from getting anxious because you thought i was actually gay.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
All the things you are doing add up to checking behavior and remember in my post...checking just keeps you in the OCD loop.  

You wrote "if you were gay you wouldn't be scared of losing attraction to girls."  I say if you were gay you wouldn't be attracted to girls in the first place.  I can only go by what you say and so I'm going with HOCD.  I don't know you personally.  I can't diagnose you but rather just give you my opinion.  

I still say that if being in a relationship with a guy turns you off, then how could you possibly be gay?  In order to be gay you have to look at the same sex, get sexually excited, and want to pursue that feeling into a sexual relationship.  Remember, the way gay people feel about the same sex is the same way heterosexual people feel about the opposite sex.  

AND I would never lie to you.  I gain nothing from lying and I'm certainly not doing you any good by lying so I look at the facts as they are presented to me and I give an honest opinion.  
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Avatar universal
yea i have decided to quit. Also i have noticed that my OCD symptoms change. its quite strange and im not sure if it's normal. Like if i read on a forum  that you get a tingling in your groin when you think of a guy or something and i have that symptom it usually never happens again. Or like if i read that the difference between denial anxiety and HOCD anxiety is that if you were gay you wouldn't be scared of losing attraction to girls just about what your family and friend thinks of you and i would think that i was only scared of what they would think? So you are defiantly sure that it is HOCD? i dunno my mind just needs to get all the details. Also, if i read something that makes me sure its HOCD not actually homosexual thoughts it will never sink in. I can never remember the symptoms for HOCD and if i have one "sign" that im gay it will put my brain into overdrive i hate it. Is the "lingering" on guys normal as well? Could it just be that im noticing if a guy has a good body or something and that i should just acknowledge that its not in a homosexual way? It seems like i am "checking out" guys when I'm not even thinking about the ocd. If you think I am gay please answer honestly I just want to know what and who I am
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi sorry...I have been unable to sign-on due to some glitch with the website.  Anyway, no I don't think you are gay.  I know your mind is muddled up right now.  It is hard to know up from down.  

An OCD mind is never an idle mind...at least mine isn't.  There is an ever ongoing dialog in my head...I don't have a quiet mind so anything that is a stimulant is going to make things worse for me.  So I gave up caffeine because it is a stimulant.  Pot acts as a stimulant and a depressant.  You would not be the first person to come on here or the Anxiety Forum and say that after smoking pot they found themselves with anxiety.  So my advice is to lay off the pot.  
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Avatar universal
I was also wondering if smoking pot could have anything to do with this? i have done it about 10-12 times over the past 6 months. Could it be causing this and should i stop? Also I am usually tired most of the time. I get distracted at night and usually stay up late. Also could you please answer my previous question? Sorry but Im really desperate for answers haha I'm sure everyone on this forum knows what that is like. Thanks!
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Avatar universal
by Gshock, 38 minutes
I have had this stupid hocd thoughts as well. I thought I was going crazy. Definitely a chemical imbalance caused by stress. I obsess about everything and then oneday that popped in my head. It stuck for a longtime. I love women and everything about them. Never did I dream or feel anything about men. The OCD got worse and drove me nuts.  I know I'm straight and always was. I guess the mind plays trucks on us when we get so stressed out. My doctor recently put me on lexapro and a anxiety pill. Working great but sometimes I have to reassure myself by reading articles that this is normal and it will pass with time.
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