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Gay/Denial or HOCD ?????

Okay so I am going to start off with my life. I am 15 year old male an i am a freshmen that played freshmen footbal and hopefully play Jv. My grades arent so well and I always stress about them. In my house I have a strict Step-Dad and my Mom. A little brother and a sister. And also a brother that is a junior in University and has suffered OCD since end of high school Senior year. I started having OCD and panic attacks since 2 months ago. I never thought it could get worse. About a month ago, I came back from school, locked myself in my room and felt like jacking off. I started looking at porn and there was an advertisement of gay porn on the side. I was curious and i checked it out. Surprisingly, i was aroused and finally orgasmed to it. I was thinking to my self, " Wait, what? Ive liked girls sexually and romanticaly my whole life! Not men! ". So I thought I was just curious. Then i started realizing that i got super horny looking at other men masturbating. I started feeling scared that i was gay. I DONT WANT TO BE GAY !!! I started to get addicted to porn to reasure my self i was not gay. Now when i go to school, my brain thinks like woah that guys cute. But im like wtf? Ive never saud things like that in my life!!! I feel mad at myself when i think that. Im really attracted to women, but im scared of not being attracted to girls anymore. I hang out with my footbal team & i feel somewhat comfortable around them. But when my gay thoughts start rushing in i get scared and think about it for a long time. Whenever someobe jokes around saying " your gayyy ". I say as loud and sure as i can. "No im not, im straight." This is torturing my life. I cant live with these stupid thoughts. Someone please help !!!
1 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Sorry for the delay in getting back to you.  You know...15 is a very stressful time and I'm not surprised that OCD thoughts have cropped up.  HOCD is a very common irrational thought.  Here is my take on a few things...

First I believe being gay is based on genetics.  I think that we are born gay or we are not.  The reason I say this is because think about how your body used to react to girls before all this HOCD stuff messed with your head.  Did you even have to think about it or did your body just go boom and react to that pretty girl?  You can't make that up.  So if you have to sit there and have an argument with yourself over whether you are gay or not...I would say you are not.  

Second, porn....everybody looks at porn.  That's okay though.  I like porn and hell I'm old.  But let me give you some advice about it.  Porn is made to be arousing...all porn.  Think about the "regular porn."  There is always two girls together.  If I were to have an orgasm while the two girls were on, would that make me gay?  No way.  It is the content that is arousing.  Who cares about the players.  At least that is how I look at it.  

Third, since OCD runs in your family, I'm guessing that if you talked to your parents about having anxiety, they would get you to a doctor for help?  Have you talked to them?  
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