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HIV OCD? Rational or Irrational?

Hi all,

As an intro, I'm a heterosexual male currently in therapy for performance anxiety.  I also believe I have dealt with OCD for the past few years, although I have never formally been diagnosed.  The majority of my fears develop in the days following alcohol use and usually involve fears that I may have committed a crime unknowingly or that I may have contracted HIV.  I know alcohol triggers it for me, so I have dramatically reduced the instances where I drink.  

Anyways, a couple weeks ago I was out of town by myself for a week (job-related).  Unfortunately, these are situations where I do tend to go out drinking because I don't like being in my hotel room by myself.  One night, I went to a restaurant and had a beer with my meal, closed the tab at 8:30 (have the receipt) and then had a couple more at the restaurant.  I then went to a bar near my hotel and had a few more beers, and was going to leave around 11:30.  I went outside and my bartender from the restaurant showed up at this bar.  I thought she was pretty attractive so I stayed and talked to her for a solid hour or hour and a half and did a shot with her and also had more beers.  She had a gay friend who was also talking to us.  Anyways, from what I recall, I went to close out my tab at what I assume was around 1:45 am (which is last call there, and I remember the lights being on - as if they were ready to close).  I remember talking about metal music with a patron at the bar.  I remember being in my hotel a little after 2:00 am and turning on the TV then falling asleep shortly after.  I woke up about 4 hours later (I have trouble sleeping after drinking) and stayed in bed for about an hour before getting ready for work.  I reflected on the previous night to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.  Recollecting events throughout the night usually helps convince me that I don't have anything to be paranoid about.

Anyways, the next night I ran into the same people and talked with them again; the same thing Thursday night.  However, on Thursday night, I was in a conversation with the gay guy and an older woman.  The older woman kept rubbing up on me and told the gay guy to feel my body (I workout so I guess this is why).  He told her that he already had, and THAT HE HAD F'D ME!  I took this as a joke and I looked at the woman and told her "yeah...that definitely did not happen."  Of course, ever since then I can't get the thought out of my mind that I either got anally raped or, even worse, somehow consented to having sex with a guy while being drunk.

So, I guess my questions are, is this a rational or irrational fear?  I have been far more drunk than this before and still have at least vague recollections of events that have occurred.  Is it possible that I would have no memory of something this significant?  Would I feel pain the next morning if this had happened?  If I was drugged, would i feel groggy in the morning?  I felt normal the next day aside from a hangover.  No soreness, no reason to believe I had had sex.  I even texted my friend in the morning to tell him about the bartender girl...I had no feelings of regret and no reason to believe anything had happened.  

In the past when I've had HIV fears, I've reassured myself by looking at the statistics (transmission of 1 in 1000-2000 for heterosexual sex).  However, this won't calm me down at all this time because I know anal sex is one of the most risky activities.  I just don't want my summer to be ruined waiting for an HIV test to be conclusive.  

Sorry for the long post!  Advice would be great!

3 Responses
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist right now?  Have you brought the HIV anxiety up to them?  I do wonder if your "overall" anxiety about different things is the reason for your performance anxiety.  Its kind of hard to do anything when our heads are full of "what-if" questions.  
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1 Comments
I think my therapist is actually a licensed counselor (?) or something like that.  It's funny that you mention this, though.  I had an appointment with her this morning (this was only my third session) and she had me read a handout about "self-talk" and "what-if" thinking.  I told her that I dwell on "what-if" scenarios all the time, and that it usually drives me to think of worst-case scenarios and then I gave her some examples.  A lot of times, I start thinking that the worst-case scenario is the most likely scenario, also.  She said that it sounds like I do have general anxiety, and not just performance anxiety.  I mentioned to her that a lot of times I'll put my future plans on hold when I'm dealing with a bad scenario, also.        
1699033 tn?1514113133
I think you would absolutely know if you had anal intercourse performed on you so I think this is all HIV anxiety related.
What did the guy say after you responded  that it didn't happen?  
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Thanks for the response - I definitely appreciate it.  I'd like to think I'd know, also.  Well...after I told this lady that it definitely did not happen, the guy laughed and then said something along the lines of "I don't know....you were kinda drunk that first day you were up here."  I would like to think he was just joking, and he seemed a little more drunk this night than he had the previous couple nights.  I thought I remembered the entirety of the night, but now I'm wondering if I blacked out a portion of the night.  Sometimes I think about this and just kind of laugh at how ridiculous the thought is, but other times, I actually start worrying quite a bit that something actually had happened and I just have no recollection of it, despite remembering many other details of the night.    
1699033 tn?1514113133
Sounds like you have a good therapist.  Hopefully she teaches cognitive behavioral therapy.  Down the road, there is always the medication option but I think that CBT is the best starting point because even on medication, you need your CBT tools to help with any breakthrough anxiety.  
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