HIV OCD and compulsion to get tested

[Spectracular]

Hello there,

here i am again and i hope someone here can help me.

Let me describe mine situation.

I kissed a girl 3 times. I am girl as well so yeah lesbian kiss.

Thats it. Enough for my OCD to give me hell and take my life.

I have to note, that last year, i had a short kiss with a man, in September. I tried to resist but i couldnt let it go, so in Novemember i made myself a Oraquick hiv test. negative, of course.

I told myself back then, that i WILL NOT fall into this vicious cycle again because of kiss. Because then i wouldnt be able to kiss anyone, which is kind of bad because kissing is beautiful right? :)

But here we go again. I kissed this girl, from florbal team i play in, she used to be a friend of mine, i guess she was actually looking for relationship however i am not quite capable of making relationship with anyone as i got borderline perosnality disorder, OCD, and in general i am crazy, irony loving ***** which is scared ******** from  making relationship with anyone, not mentioning doing everything connected with relationship. So our friendship after this short kissing episode basically vanished. We had few arguments, she rejected me i rejected her and yeah its gone. We talk however we dont talk every day as before. Its okay, she is 22 i am 28, wouldnt work between us anyway. But yeah, i liked her so it hurts little bit.

And no its not about my sexual orientation. I have had relationship with boy for 7 and half years. No i know i am into girls, so nothing like HOCD bothers me. I am okay with my orientation.

I am not okay with my obsession with HIV.

Now its 2 months since our kiss - i dont know for sure, i forgot when exactly we kissed but i know it was around start of April - and all i can think about is "should i test now or one week later".

And I KNOW that i should totally not get tested because

1) she doesnt have HIV - she is 22, lesbian, i play with her florbal every week, i think i would have noticed
2) HIV is not transmited by kissing - it just does not transmitt by kissing, period
3) I will only make my fear worse, i will feed my OCD and convince myself that kiss is a situation i should be concerned about

BUT

Problem is my body is giving me hits i cant ignore

I have for almost 3 weeks burning throat, or i can call it sore throat. Not saying it hurts, i am fine, i am not sick, i dont have fever nothing, only my throat is irritated. And i feel like my tonsil are bigger than usual. Last 2 weeks my eyes are irritated, they burn, they tear.

One would say, typical allergy. Yeah maybe, but WHAT IF.

I was at the doctor he said my tonsils are fine. I take something for allergy but cant say it helps. so again. WHAT IF its not allergy....

And its hard, or rather i should say impossible to think about anything else than HIV when you have irritated throat every day. U feel something is not okay, your brain grabs this information and gives you reason. And u cant ignore it. If u ignore it, u cant function because ignoring "hey maybe u have HIV, go get tested to be sure you are okay" is like saying "i am dying right now.....and i am not going to kiss anyone ever, to make sure they wont have it as well, i guess i will just lock myself at home".

Its not about dying, i can live with the fact i will die one day. Its about ability to contact with someone, or kiss someone. I cant do it, when i have this thoughts.

And i dont want to get tested because i know thats what i should not do.

But i want to live my life.

So i am asking here for help since i dont have psychotherapeutist, i would have to arrange appointment and problem is that i am not sure she would understand. I need to hear someone with similar experience, who knows how hard it is to ignore "maybe u are dying right now, and maybe you will cause someone else die as well".

How to resist the urge to get tested to have piece in my mind, to start live normally again. To not think about being alone for the rest of my life because otherwise i can hurt someone.

I am lost. 50% wants to order the test on net, 50% wants to resist.

And i really dont know how to handle this.

Any kind of help would be appreciated. I know it sounds silly, and i know i am wasting my time by all this. But i didnt choose this, i didnt ask for it. I am doing what i feel i have to do. Dont know why - if i would know i guess i would be OCD free in a minute.

Take care, and thank you for help.