HOCD?

[anxiety_helpme]

So basically when I was a kid, like 7/8 I used to always get the fear of growing up to be gay. I'm not around homophobic people, I also had no attraction to females and had crushes on guys so it was very strange. As I got older I would have female bestfriends (I'm a girl) and for a split second would be like "do I like her?" then it would go away almost instantly and I'd just see them as bestfriends again. Almost as if I couldn't differentiate friendships and crushes. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and within a few months of the relationship I got an overwhelming fear I was gay. Not sure what triggered it, but from then on it went from being kind of bad to now making me feel hopeless and as if I can never be happy. I of course can find girls beautiful and have always watched lesbian porn and watched coming out videos with absolutely no problem, no doubts about sexuality, nothing. Because I've always had crushes on guys. I feel like it also comes from the fact that in my past two relationships I always lose attraction so there can't be any other explanation. Also, when a girl I used to be friends with got with a guy I thought I was jealous but really I was just angry because he treated her like **** but my OCD fed on that. I also have received treatment for anxiety and got medication because it was so bad. Every time I go to break up with my boyfriend it feels so wrong and he broke up with me for a few weeks a couple months ago and all I done was cry and feel sick because I was heartbroken. I'm so close to giving up, I don't even know if it's HOCD anymore the only comfort I get is constantly looking at posts about it to confirm it's just HOCD but idk now

[InstantCrazy]

Have you considered the possibility that you are bisexual?

[Dee1956]

Hi there! So sorry just getting to you. JGF25 who is normally here is ill.
I have not had your exact experience but I know about anxiety and how it can morph.

I had anxiety from a young age. My elementary teacher used to say I would have an ulcer before I turned 21. I was such a worrier, heart on my sleeve.
When I turned 29 the panic attacks started.

I am just speaking from my own experience.  Have you talked to someone? I thought I could handle my problem on my own. Just somehow will it away.
Talking to someone can help you learn to deal with your thoughts.  They can give you a different perspective as well as tools to deal with them..

In my case because it was long ago, I bought every book I could find on panic attacks to try to get help.

After wasting a lot of time, I looked for a doctor that specialized in anxiety.  He helped me a lot.

I hope someone else will stop by. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.

I'll check back later.