HOCD gay thoughts and arousal

[Buzzy14]

Hello I am new to this forum and am desperate for help. I am a heterosexual 17 year old male and am dealing with what I sincerely hope is hocd. I have always loved women my first crush was when I was around 7 a girl and I was crazy about them before I even hit puberty and before I even knew what sexual orientation even ment I knew I wanted women. I was exposed to porn at a very young age and my curiosity led me to experiment with a few off my male friends when I was around 8 but it never defined my sexual orientation because as I was experimenting I was still drawn towards girls. I just knew I was attracted to girls. This all started when I got a haircut I kept thinking man this haircut makes me looks like one of the gay guys at my school and that stayed on my mind for a while, I guess I was insecure about it, but then one day out of nowhere I asked myself what if im gay? And I slowly started to fall back in the same obsession only this time it hit me harder. I had dealt with this previously but it wasn't as severe as it was this time. I also suffer from harm thoughts it's far worse than my hocd when I first started experiencing this I felt like a killer and the thoughts wood make me extremely noxious they started about 1 year and a half ago and o have been on and off with them but for this obsession I feel like I've conquered. the harm theme started all of my obsessions, I would obsess about possibly being schizophrenic or bi-polar and the I had this wierd obsession where I was focused on the way I would swallow and the way I would do it idk it's irrelevant, but anyway this time I started to slowly descend into the much more disturbing side of hocd. Before I would only check to see if I was attracted to the same sex and I only suffered from this theme for about 3 weeks and it went away but now it has hit me with awful gay thoughts and groinal responses. I have been dealing with this obsession for about 4 months. Because of this I have pondered questions I would have never asked myself in a million years, things like am I attracted to masculine guys? Heck i used to watch wrestling and never once did I even pay attention to the males. When I am having a good time with one of my male friends and I'm laughing n stuff my mind says that I have a crush on that friend, things I would never think of prior to the onset of hocd, my attraction to women did drop for about a month and was really frightening for me,I never would've guessed that my low libido was due to the anxiety my hocd was making go through and thought I had erectile dysfunction. My mind would come up with things like why do you like women anyway? Just be gay, and I would get tons of anxiety.thankfully my attraction to women is returning. What has really troubled me letely and is the reason why I'm on this forum is because i have started fearing that I am attracted to the male genitalia, I have always watched straight porn and never once do I recall even noticing the make anatomy I would always focus on the women and nothing else. Sometimes a picture advertising how to grow your genitalia would appear in the corner of the porn site and I would quickly scroll down in disgust, but now when I look at straight porn my mind tells me if I am attracted to the male in the shot or his genitals, I'm sorry if I am getting graphic, but they were thoughts I would have never thought of if I hadn't been hit with this obsession I try to mentally check to see if I get aroused by the penis but all I get is this nasty feeling and a shoot of anxiety down my stomach and sometimes a groinal response but last night I had watched porn before I slept and the ******* scene came up and I got a full erection and I was panicing because it felt like I was getting excited to see the guys you know, but I was simultaneously picturing the girl do that to me which got me even more excited but then I panicked because I felt like I was looking at the dudes junk and getting aroused I shut it off and started to get high anxiety and I felt like "you what that's it I just turned gay because I got aroused by a bjowjob scene" and I felt like I had turned gay. The anxiety went down and I felt like I was for sure in denial now since I had been turned on by that so I went to sleep and I was thinking about that scene in order to test myself again and I was mentally picturing a girl giving me head it gave me an erection but soon after I was bombarded with gay thoughts about male wankers and I got so freaked out because It happened while I was aroused and I felt like I was being aroused by these mental images I thought "this must mean im gay" I tried to masturbate to the thoughts but I didn't feel right so I quit trying and went to sleep with that in mind. I woke up the next morning and started to once again compulsively check if I was aroused by a mans crotch this time I would just get a shoot of anxiety and think theres no way I could be attracted to the d#@ck. Idk why I felt aroused by that disgusting object. Has that happened to anybody? I just want these thoughts to stop and most of all I want to stop mentally checking and for this obsession to stop. I know I am straight there was never a doubt in my mind that I was up until now because these thoughts make me think otherwise.     Help would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you for taking the time to read about my situation

[jango843]

My story is pretty much similar.
The ohcd started about two months ago, when I have ejaculated while watching a scene with more males involved, without actually taking off my pants (sorry for the details). This happened to me for the first time, never had premature ejaculation issues before. I have always been attracted to women and never felt any sort of arousal or emotional excitement when looking/thinking about men, given that I used to be a rugby team player for over 7 years (played it before I was 18, now I am 22) and seeing a **** here and there in shower wasn't a problem and never was an object of attraction.
Since then I've been questioning my sexuality. Some of consequences - mild depression due to the almost permanent state of anxiety when I see men (especially when the groinal response comes into play, never got an actual erection) and a slight decline in my GPA. Also - I feel like I am in a state of "grayness" and I think about suicide from time to time, the latter bothers me less though.

I am in a relationship now and I still very seldom have troubles with getting an erection. Sex is less enjoyable since I started experiencing the hocd, but I still love it. Also - a drastic decline in libido - which is, I guess, a consequence of both ohcd and the induced depression.

My problem mainly relates to the groinal response. Sometimes it gets so bad that, combined with terrible anxiety, I can masturbate to anything (literally)  and ejaculate within a very short period of time without actually. This fact really drives me crazy because I'm not getting an erection, I don't feel the sexual attraction, nor do want to kiss/hug/touch them, but at the same time the groinal response has such an effect. My guess is that it might be caused by anxiety, but I'm not sure whether I'm just making excuses.

I went to a psychiatrist, she said that its not ocd. Nor did she say that I'm gay in a direct manner, but rather evasively said that I might marry a dude when I'm 65. That's how it became even more confusing.

[JGF25]

When you have unchecked anxiety it can lead to depression.  Who can get excited about anything when you are in a constant state of anxiety?  Hell I can't even eat when things are bad.  So it is not surprising to me that you are having trouble getting aroused.  Once you have dealt with this HOCD with a psychologist, your arousal will come back.  Have you ever seen anybody for this?  Learned cognitive behavioral therapy?

[krutch100]

I have just recently started dealing with HOCD which from my understanding is a porn addiction- related mental disorder. Its hell. Everyday you wake up and deal with your mind and a whole world of "what ifs" . Here's my question: what does the ceaseless anxiety mean? Why cant I get "it" up? For exanple, when I wake up, nothing. When I think of dirty thoughts of my girlfriend, nothing. Why does this affect arousal so badly and how can I reset it?

[JOC96]

I was wondering if you could help me with my problem.I am 18 years old and I suffer from HOCD about 4 years now on and off.I have never once got sexually aroused the opposite sex since I have suffered from this but I recently had a dream dream and my friend was it and both of us were messing in the dream taking our penises out and he start wanking to people(by the way my friends are weird like this).when I woke up I was still half asleep and I start testing myself of the image in my dream and for the first time their was some change but I did not get a full erection,I am wondering did this happen due to groinal response?a few minutes later I started to think about the same image but more graphic this time but I didn't get an election.I then started to think about sexual images in my head with a girl and staright away I could feel a change,I am very sexually attracted to girls but I have never been sexually attracted to a boy.it would be much appreciated if you could help me thank you

[tiredtroubled_soul]

Omg I could so relate to this...I am 21 male heterosexual and never had a doubt about my sexuality..yes I was bullied in college 2-3 years back about girls and guys who thought I was gay.i remember 2 girls and 2 guys taunting me about being gay..it did hurt me a little bit but it never created any doubt in my mind because I knew for certain that I was straight and eventually what they said never even mattered to me..
   Coming to the hocd which I too hope that I have it stared about 1.5 weeks ago when I too had a horrible haircut and thought to myself that I looked gay..then on coming home my brother also teased me that I looked like a gay guy he had seen on tv which upset me..later that night I looked in the mirror and that is when the full blown thoughts first started...they were so disgusting..I began to ponder really hard..all those bullying episodes went though by brain further strengthening the ocd..I dont have anything against gay people because I hardly ever cared..but these thoughts really were disgusting. .I started to question myself what if I was gay and I didnt know it all this time..this lead to severe anxiety and I kept reassuring myself that there is no chance..but these thoughts just wont stop..I could not and still cannot concentrate on my studies because of these thoughts..I have my exams going on and I just hope I pass because these thoughts have disturbed me so much..I juat cant concentrate...I keep on crying on the inside..i just feel so depressed when these thoughts appear...the only silver lining for me in these 1.5 weeks is that these thoughts are on and off...its not like I suffer from them daily..a few days after the onset a friend of mine teased me about how glum I was looking(he thought I was tensed about my exams but I was having anxiety about my ocd) and that I would get some girl I my life...just a minute later I was all cheerful and the thoughts went away for a day..but they came back again...I have had 3 episodes of on-off hocd and when I dont have the thoughts I feel so high that I was foolishly worrying about nothing..for the last 2 days I had no thoughts again but now they have started again 2-3 hours back and again I cant concentrate on anything..what shall I do? These thoughts are draining me to the core..I sometimes just wish that it would be great if I could just kill off my subconscious mind :( :(

[Buzzy14]

Awesome, thanks a bunch :)

[JGF25]

For the site that got blocked out just Google "Listening to our loved ones with OCD"

[JGF25]

Listen, OCD is not a death sentence.  Nobody is going to cart you off to the looney bin.  I have a college degree, a successful job, marriage and children and I have had OCD since I was a teenager.  It is something that can be managed.  

I'm not liking the psychologist you saw honestly.  I don't like when they say it is just a "phase."  You need to be diagnosed and you need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy.  Yes it is hard for people that don't have OCD to understand what is going on, but there is plenty out there for them to read and learn.  

Here are a few things I would like you to read.  

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0%3A&Itemid=64

www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

http://************.com/lib/listening-to-our-loved-ones-with-ocd/00016404

AND STOP TESTING!   NO MORE PORN because it is just keeping you in the loop of OCD.  Reassurance is fleeting.  It only makes you feel good for a short time and then you are back at it again.  Talk to yourself in your head...self-coach yourself.

Here are a couple of books as well

Brain Lock
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to breaking free of OCD

[Buzzy14]

Hey man thanks alot for your feedback I really do appreciate it, ill start by saying that I have confronted my parents about my obsessions mostly about my harm theme, they never understood the torment I would go through. They would reassure me that I was a good person and that I would never hurt anybody but these thoughts made me think otherwise and would make me feel evil inside. It got bad one day and I went to see a psychologist where I talked to her about my intrusive harm thoughts she said I was obsessing about them and that they were just a "phase", and I told her about my fear of being gay she said "its ok, that many teens my age doubt their sexuality" I said ok, but the thing is I never questioned my sexuality, it was just the fear of being gay. She never diagnosed me with anything, which was a relief (at the time) because I had been obsessing that I had OCD I had looked it up before and all the symptoms were presented in me, but I guess I was in denial about having OCD because I was scared that I would be mentally sick and that I had a mental disorder and that I would end up in an mental asylum I just couldn't live with myself if I was mentally sick, but ironically thats all I hope it is now and not what I fear. Now back to my HOCD I have tried to have a whatever attitude towards the thoughts but I feel like if I don't engage in my thoughts and try to disprove them that ill turn gay, see how craazy that is? I even admitted defeat and said "ok im gay" like twice but these thoughts still plague my mind. I heard that HOCD is fake and that people only use this as an excuse not to be gay, is this true? Because it has worried far more deeply, I have been compulsively masturbating to porn and check that I am still straight(which has depleted my attraction towards women again) but at the same time still checking for attraction to the male which leads to anxiety, but I can't fight the urge to watch when my mind tells me that I am gay, I just need that reassurance that im still straight its like my drug. Again thanks for your help it is greatly appreciated.

[11001]

I have also sufferd from the same Symptoms as you guys are describing.  I have always been attracted to girls all my school days and never felt attracted to men in straight porn before either but went threw a phaZe in high school of insecurity about penis size  and sexual performance ,am I normal etc  so started looking at soft and hard dicks on the Internet  And  felt my balls tingle and got semi hard which creeped me out ...
Ended up watching gay porn to test my self but felt sick with anxiety but could jack off but not fully errwct  and this made me remember child hood memories of  playing doctors and nurses etc with both boys and girls.  And a little later in life again  years latermaybie about 8-11  but more oral with both boy friends and girl friends but I reasond with my self that I was very attracted to girls at school and had major crushes and that the child hood experiences were nothing more than curious child play and I had no idea at the time what we were actually doing but obviously enjoyd getting sucked and licked by both sexes !
So after many years of normal straight sexual relations with girls and girls only    And had actually been in seriously relation ship for about 2 years .... Again watching porn but felt I was **** watching and the homo erotic thoughts started to pour in and wouldn't go away  and taking over. Anxiety and stress levels threw the roof and trying to deny these thoughts. But then at the same time the feelings of arrousal I was feeling was overwhelming  so grabbed my **** and masterbated to the images in my head. Meanwhile. All the above thoughts/ memories came flooding back to me. And started to accept well I must be gay if I'm Feeling like this and  have done this stuff as a youth but I couldn't switch them off and have sufferd the same anxiety and depression  daily constantly testing myself with straight and gay or  bi porn  and have lost my arousal to women (by this I mean I'm not as turned on by naked women as I am when I see a penis )which I always had  but then I'm with my girl and all I want to do is **** her and please her but the odd gay thought still creeps in when I'm with her  if I see a trigger such as gay people on tv. Or sex scenes and I picture myself sucking cocks etc  but
this has caused me to think about suicide frequently  these thought are truly taking over my life and I am self employed and it's effecting my business and social life

I'm so glad that I have seen your posts and that I'm not the only person who feels this way   Would like to talk about this to someone but scared of the rejection  or them thinkin I'm just gay. Which I know isn't that bad me myself  do t mind gay guys etc I am not homophobic !  

I keep trying to work up the courage to say it to my girl friend but just don't know how to address the issue without her thinkin im gay as I do love the bones of her and feel this would have her questioning our relation ship et  any advice would be appreciated  !!

but these thoughts  and feelings are very strong  any advice ??    

[JGF25]

Hi there.  You have only to look on the forum to know that HOCD is very, very common more so with guys than with girls.  You obviously have OCD but I wonder, have you ever been formally diagnosed?  Do your parents how the mental hell you are going through?  

All I can tell you is this.  We are born the way we are born.  Whether we are gay or not is in our genes.  The hormones that your body releases in response to you seeing a pretty girl are hormones that are released without you even realizing it.  

I know gay people and trust me when I say that there is no am or or am I not.  They know they are gay and they accept it.  They don't go around fighting the thought because through and through they know who they are.  You my friend are not gay.  You have a history of OCD and this is just one more thought on the nightmare super highway of OCD.  

If you said out loud right now "I'm gay" would you want to run out and get a boyfriend and have sex with him?  I'm thinking the answer is no and if the answer is no then you cannot possibly be gay.  

You need to see a psychologist to help you deal with this OCD.  It isn't something that goes away on its own.  There are strategies you can learn to help you overcome these thoughts.  Basically you need to say "Whatever" to the thought and let it go as best you can.  Don't let it take on a mind of its own.  AND do not test yourself!  Testing just keeping you in the OCD loop.  

So please consider talking to your parents about OCD in general so that they can get you the proper help you need.