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HOCD is ruining my life!!!!
This may be quite long but I'm literally on the verge of suicidal thoughts! I really need some advice from someone who is cured of HOCD and how they did it! I've had it for about 5 months now.
Firstly I'm 18 years old and I've always fancied & been out with/been happily attracted to/had sex with males and enjoyed every minute of it. I've slept with 10 different boys and have always been happy with it. However, since the age of about 15 I discovered lesbian porn and began watching a lot of it and masturbating to it because I have always had a huge sex drive. I always knew that I never wanted it to be reality as I wasn't interested in girls in that way, and I understood that it was strictly pleasure. Saying that, I have always managed to get off to straight and gay (men) porn too, lesbian porn has just been more enjoyable for me and allowed me to climax faster.
However, one day when I just turned 18 I knew a lot of people who had come out as being gay - even women who had been married before. I then sat and wondered to myself 'if I always watch lesbian porn and like the look of a womans body does that make me bisexual/gay?' however I didn't want that to be true because the thought of being in a long term relationship with a woman just isn't me! I then googled my situation and came across a lot of straight women who watched and enjoyed lesbian porn, however one answer stood out to be which said 'if you are sexually attracted to men and women that makes you bisexual.' I then burst into tears and ran downstairs to my mum to explain it all, in which she said that I'm looking too deep into it.
I've had a long term boyfriend through all of this and our relationship has gone from being really really good to haunted by this HOCD. I am constantly crying around him, researching online to reassure myself that I'm not gay, waking up in the middle of the night due to nightmares about me being a lesbian, etc. I can remember when I used to be happy before all this came about, and thats where I want to be again. I wished I never discovered lesbian porn. If I watch any porn now its either straight or gay (men).
Now my whole life is a misery. I have not watched lesbian porn since because it pains me now and makes me feel sick and worries me about being a lesbian. I hate meeting up with any girls by myself and after a night out I will never sleep in the same bed as someone of the same sex because I just feel awfully awkward it's unreal. As well as this, I never watch programmes on the TV which involves lesbians because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable - also if a naked woman comes on the screen I have to shut my eyes because it sickens me to look. I even find it hard to look at myself naked in the mirror because I can't bare to look at my naked lady parts.
I've always had low confidence and self esteem and have never liked the way I look, therefore I've always compared myself to other pretty girls. However, since this HOCD came about I've started having unwanted and uncomfortable sexual thoughts about these girls that I compare myself to. It makes me feel sick to think I have thoughts like that and I cry quite a lot - sometimes upto 10 times a day. I have even thought about killing myself quite regularly over this, because I would rather do that than live a lesbian life. Even when a friend who's a girl hugs me makes me feel uncomfortable now. This is runing my life.
I love having sex with my boyfriends, but there are stages where I turn it down quite a lot in case an unwanted lesbian thought comes into my mind. I love my boyfriend so much and can't imagine my life without him, and it pains me to think that I'm making him miserable. He even said that if it bothers me so much that he would experiment with me in a threesome with another girl, but I turned it down because I don't want to as I can imagine it being awkward for me. Also, I don't want to incase I like it and therefore will have to lead a lesbian life which is my worse nightmare.
I'm constantly scared for the future as I sometimes think this won't go away until I try having sex with a girl which I really don't want to. I seriously cannot imagine being in a long term relationship with a woman, it just doesn't interest me in the slightest as it's just not me. I have never been interested in anything like that. This is why it confuses me as to why I have horrible thoughts like I do. :(
I went to see a counsellor for a couple of months and he said I'm getting pleasure and sexuality mixed up too much which is common. He said that I have a fear of becoming homosexual and therefore my behaviour about reassuring myself that I am hetrosexual is obsessive. He told me to start writing poetry which helps sometimes. I have weeks where I'm fine and HOCD doesn't bother me and I'm very happy with life and my boyfriend, and then I have weeks where HOCD comes back to haunt me and makes my life a misery. It causes me to feel extremely depressed and makes me lose interest in absolutely everything.
I feel like I have to fight these lesbian thoughts and everything all the time because I just don't feel like myself anymore which upsets me because I used to be a really happy and bubbly person. It also upsets me because I feel so comfortable and loved around my boyfriend and I want my full attention to be on our relationship instead of this stupid HOCD. I want a normal life with my boyfriend - a family and kids. I don't want to be gay even in the tinyest bit. I would rather die.
But my mind always tells me different, I always have sickening, unwanted thoughts about being with a woman and having sex with a woman and it pains me so much. I start getting anxious about going out in public and seeing other women, and I feel extra uncomfortable around lesbians & when they look at me. I seriously don't understand all this because I have never wanted to have a relationship with a woman. In the past I have always said I'd experiment with a girl just for the pleasure side of it, but now I wouldn't even do that because this whole HOCD thing has freaked me out so much. I'm also failing in college because I can't concentrate on my work anymore because of this.
My counsellor said that because I've been bullied my whole life by girls, and now I finally have friends which are girls who accept me for who I am which I'm happy about, it encourages my lesbian thoughts. He said I just missed female company, which I agree with. I just want these thoughts to go because they're making my life unbearable. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I just want to be happy like I used to, concentrate on my relationship and move forward in life and feel myself again.
I also make a habit of paying attention to my groin area when I see a naked woman on TV or in a magazine or something to see if it flutters, and when it does I feel sick to my stomach and it upsets me.
I would really appreciate it if anyone who has suffered from HOCD and got over it can give me any tips? As you can see my life is shockingly bad right now and I don't know how much more I can take. Please help, I am desperate :( .
Firstly I'm 18 years old and I've always fancied & been out with/been happily attracted to/had sex with males and enjoyed every minute of it. I've slept with 10 different boys and have always been happy with it. However, since the age of about 15 I discovered lesbian porn and began watching a lot of it and masturbating to it because I have always had a huge sex drive. I always knew that I never wanted it to be reality as I wasn't interested in girls in that way, and I understood that it was strictly pleasure. Saying that, I have always managed to get off to straight and gay (men) porn too, lesbian porn has just been more enjoyable for me and allowed me to climax faster.
However, one day when I just turned 18 I knew a lot of people who had come out as being gay - even women who had been married before. I then sat and wondered to myself 'if I always watch lesbian porn and like the look of a womans body does that make me bisexual/gay?' however I didn't want that to be true because the thought of being in a long term relationship with a woman just isn't me! I then googled my situation and came across a lot of straight women who watched and enjoyed lesbian porn, however one answer stood out to be which said 'if you are sexually attracted to men and women that makes you bisexual.' I then burst into tears and ran downstairs to my mum to explain it all, in which she said that I'm looking too deep into it.
I've had a long term boyfriend through all of this and our relationship has gone from being really really good to haunted by this HOCD. I am constantly crying around him, researching online to reassure myself that I'm not gay, waking up in the middle of the night due to nightmares about me being a lesbian, etc. I can remember when I used to be happy before all this came about, and thats where I want to be again. I wished I never discovered lesbian porn. If I watch any porn now its either straight or gay (men).
Now my whole life is a misery. I have not watched lesbian porn since because it pains me now and makes me feel sick and worries me about being a lesbian. I hate meeting up with any girls by myself and after a night out I will never sleep in the same bed as someone of the same sex because I just feel awfully awkward it's unreal. As well as this, I never watch programmes on the TV which involves lesbians because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable - also if a naked woman comes on the screen I have to shut my eyes because it sickens me to look. I even find it hard to look at myself naked in the mirror because I can't bare to look at my naked lady parts.
I've always had low confidence and self esteem and have never liked the way I look, therefore I've always compared myself to other pretty girls. However, since this HOCD came about I've started having unwanted and uncomfortable sexual thoughts about these girls that I compare myself to. It makes me feel sick to think I have thoughts like that and I cry quite a lot - sometimes upto 10 times a day. I have even thought about killing myself quite regularly over this, because I would rather do that than live a lesbian life. Even when a friend who's a girl hugs me makes me feel uncomfortable now. This is runing my life.
I love having sex with my boyfriends, but there are stages where I turn it down quite a lot in case an unwanted lesbian thought comes into my mind. I love my boyfriend so much and can't imagine my life without him, and it pains me to think that I'm making him miserable. He even said that if it bothers me so much that he would experiment with me in a threesome with another girl, but I turned it down because I don't want to as I can imagine it being awkward for me. Also, I don't want to incase I like it and therefore will have to lead a lesbian life which is my worse nightmare.
I'm constantly scared for the future as I sometimes think this won't go away until I try having sex with a girl which I really don't want to. I seriously cannot imagine being in a long term relationship with a woman, it just doesn't interest me in the slightest as it's just not me. I have never been interested in anything like that. This is why it confuses me as to why I have horrible thoughts like I do. :(
I went to see a counsellor for a couple of months and he said I'm getting pleasure and sexuality mixed up too much which is common. He said that I have a fear of becoming homosexual and therefore my behaviour about reassuring myself that I am hetrosexual is obsessive. He told me to start writing poetry which helps sometimes. I have weeks where I'm fine and HOCD doesn't bother me and I'm very happy with life and my boyfriend, and then I have weeks where HOCD comes back to haunt me and makes my life a misery. It causes me to feel extremely depressed and makes me lose interest in absolutely everything.
I feel like I have to fight these lesbian thoughts and everything all the time because I just don't feel like myself anymore which upsets me because I used to be a really happy and bubbly person. It also upsets me because I feel so comfortable and loved around my boyfriend and I want my full attention to be on our relationship instead of this stupid HOCD. I want a normal life with my boyfriend - a family and kids. I don't want to be gay even in the tinyest bit. I would rather die.
But my mind always tells me different, I always have sickening, unwanted thoughts about being with a woman and having sex with a woman and it pains me so much. I start getting anxious about going out in public and seeing other women, and I feel extra uncomfortable around lesbians & when they look at me. I seriously don't understand all this because I have never wanted to have a relationship with a woman. In the past I have always said I'd experiment with a girl just for the pleasure side of it, but now I wouldn't even do that because this whole HOCD thing has freaked me out so much. I'm also failing in college because I can't concentrate on my work anymore because of this.
My counsellor said that because I've been bullied my whole life by girls, and now I finally have friends which are girls who accept me for who I am which I'm happy about, it encourages my lesbian thoughts. He said I just missed female company, which I agree with. I just want these thoughts to go because they're making my life unbearable. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I just want to be happy like I used to, concentrate on my relationship and move forward in life and feel myself again.
I also make a habit of paying attention to my groin area when I see a naked woman on TV or in a magazine or something to see if it flutters, and when it does I feel sick to my stomach and it upsets me.
I would really appreciate it if anyone who has suffered from HOCD and got over it can give me any tips? As you can see my life is shockingly bad right now and I don't know how much more I can take. Please help, I am desperate :( .
Can anyone tell me if they got over this? Did you have medicine? Therapy? What helped you!?
I've been going through the same as you, its horrendous but I have been able to help myself a fair bit these past few weeks. Firstly by telling my boyfriend I'm bi sexual. Now I have never been emotionally attracted to a member of the same sex and all my sexual attractions have been to girls on tv or made up girls in my head, but once you come out and say it you realise you are probably less bi than you thought you were but you also have the option to be which takes immense weight off your shoulders (or so I found). Also try mindfulness techniques, can work quite well but needs to be kept up and just remember that we're all different, no one can tell you who or what you are so by ruminating the internet for answers you may come across things you do and don't want to hear and that do not apply to you. In my opinion sexuality is fluid, everyone is to some extent bi sexual, some of us more than others and women especially seem to be more fluid/flexible when it comes to sexuality so don't beat yourself up about it, sooo many girls watch lesbian porn, its normal. Hope this is of some help to you, I have been finally getting better these past few weeks due to using certain techniques though I'm still hoping I dont fall back into it again. Best of luck!
I googled a conversation about this and it freaks me out that other females are dealing with this too!!!! It can really bother you as it has been bothering me endlessly since the dirt couple of days of January! It's been weeks and I haven't watched ANY porn because although I liked gay (guy on guy) porn too, I feel like it's just a few clicks away for me to end up on some lesbian porn and I'm not with it. I can't do it because what really made me upset was thinking about this one time in particular that a guy that I think I may have been in love with were having sex and I was fantasizing about some lesbian stuff and I had an orgasm. All I can do is shake my head and look for support online because he is the only person I told about my sexual interest in women and we are having some issues right now but not because of that at all but he knows it is bothering me and I think he may soon be convinced that I'm a lesbian which is something I WILL NOT accept let alone bisexual.
I googled a conversation about this and it freaks me out that other females are dealing with this too!!!! It can really bother you as it has been bothering me endlessly since the dirt couple of days of January! It's been weeks and I haven't watched ANY porn because although I liked gay (guy on guy) porn too, I feel like it's just a few clicks away for me to end up on some lesbian porn and I'm not with it. I can't do it because what really made me upset was thinking about this one time in particular that a guy that I think I may have been in love with were having sex and I was fantasizing about some lesbian stuff and I had an orgasm. All I can do is shake my head and look for support online because he is the only person I told about my sexual interest in women and we are having some issues right now but not because of that at all but he knows it is bothering me and I think he may soon be convinced that I'm a lesbian which is something I WILL NOT accept let alone bisexual.
im going through the exact same thing as you! its so confusing because i was so confident in my sexuality until my obsessive thoughts kicked in. Being aroused occasionly by lesbian stuff didnt bother me but when its always on your mind, you're aroused more, but thats because it's on your mind etc it goes round in circles, I hope you have come some way forward since you posted and have got through this as it is the worst thing thats ever happened to me also.
In a sense of dealing with it, everyone around you knows by the sound of it.. If you're happy with your partner, don't even worry what turns you on... Tell yourself it doesn't matter what turns you on... And tell yourself that you're happy with him...Even if girls turn you on.. It doesn't really matter in the end.
Ohhh... You're not alone. I have been watching lesbian porn for years and it's the only porn I watch.. I used to have a boyfriend I was with and hid it all from him completely for 4 years.. It would come into my head all the time during sex.. Now with someone else who accepts it, it's become a lot easier.. I can share anything with him and he enjoys it too.. I feel so awkward around females too and always have.. Unless they're bi and know I am too.. I feel more comfortable then. I haven't actually experimented with a female.. But I worry too if I did I'd turn into one.. But if your boyfriend is willing to do it with you, you may as well take that choice.. And if you love him and want to be with him nothing will turn you into being with a girl... Because of everything you have with him.. I don't think you'd find a girl to be with who you'd love more than him... It's be very difficult.. So if you find a girl to experiment with, that may be good.
It's scary how closely our stories match. I have been dealing with since I was younger every time I didn't have a boyfriend/ like anyone I thought OMG I must be a lesbian. I even told my boyfriend I watch lesbian porn said "don't turn into one which made me feel even worse." I went on a web site that told you to just invite the thought the more you try to compel then the more you'll think about it. When the thought is over you can be happy because you truly know Hey I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!! I'm still working on it. It doesn't help that my bf is home for the summer and I work with a bunch of women but you'll eventually will feel like your in control again.Your lucky you have a support system with your mom and bf. my family is every homophobic which is why I think my HOCD was triggered. I fighting with you girl! You're not alone!
Sorry for the delay Grace...so in reading your posts you use some very, very strong language that indicates that you are really not interested in women in a sexual way. The porn watching is a different story because it really is the content rather than the players, at least in my opinion which would be in agreement with your therapist.
It is so hard for us to get out of our heads sometimes. If I told you not to think of a purple dog, the first thing you would think of is a purple dog. This is what is happening with you. You are fighting these thoughts and because you fight them, they don't go away. You test yourself repeatedly which is also fueling the fire here. What you really need to be doing is replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones....you are not gay and you never will be. Also, what if you said out loud to yourself 'Okay, I'm gay." Do you think you would stop liking guys and start being attracted to girls? You wouldn't because you are not gay. I happen to believe it is genetic and we are either born gay or we are not.
I say stop the testing, stop the fighting, adopt a whatever attitude because once you stop fearing these thoughts, they will go away. Do a bit of self-coacing with "NO, I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN" and then busy yourself with a book or a walk. And most of all, keep seeing the therapist. It is going to be good for you and you will learn how to cope with the anxiety these thoughts bring on.
It is so hard for us to get out of our heads sometimes. If I told you not to think of a purple dog, the first thing you would think of is a purple dog. This is what is happening with you. You are fighting these thoughts and because you fight them, they don't go away. You test yourself repeatedly which is also fueling the fire here. What you really need to be doing is replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones....you are not gay and you never will be. Also, what if you said out loud to yourself 'Okay, I'm gay." Do you think you would stop liking guys and start being attracted to girls? You wouldn't because you are not gay. I happen to believe it is genetic and we are either born gay or we are not.
I say stop the testing, stop the fighting, adopt a whatever attitude because once you stop fearing these thoughts, they will go away. Do a bit of self-coacing with "NO, I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN" and then busy yourself with a book or a walk. And most of all, keep seeing the therapist. It is going to be good for you and you will learn how to cope with the anxiety these thoughts bring on.
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