HOCD is taking over my life

[jtavares]

I have HOCD, and I’ve admitted that to myself. What triggered it was beyond me. I think that I can be gay to a certain extent, to elaborate: I find men more attractive than women, by about 20%, but only from an aesthetic standpoint. However, I did (without HOCD) often wonder about other males, etc. From a sexual standpoint, I find women more attractive, in fact, I find women only sexually attractive. However, I think the reason don’t find women all that physically attractive due to the fact that I have grown up in such a conservative household, and the subjectivity of women like that just was not allowed and I think that’s innately within me now and I can’t get rid of that. This all started in September of 2013 where my bisexual friend asked me if I was gay. Immediately all my gay thoughts from the past came to haunt me. It is important to mention i have loved nothing but women sexually since I was born. I remember the first time I had 'gay' thoughts were last year, my first year of high school. Those thoughts didn't bother me, but after PMOing to them I always felt great shame. Now, having hocd for 4 months, I have literally lost all attraction to women. I have concluded that most of these gay thoughts that I were having was because of porn. Before hocd I would choose a porn based on how the male looked vs how to woman looked. I did not think that was gay at the time because I would only look at his facial expressions to see if he was enjoying it, and I would admire his body. Now that would turn me on, but I have never ever ever in my life imagined myself in the woman's position in porn. So based on those facts, I would obviously apply them to the guys I see in my normal life. I find that that is the most haunting part of my past. I have never had a really close guy friend, and making new ones were/are so hard because of porn and hocd. Porn is the worst. I have been trying to cut it out all together from my life but it is so hard, I have not watched it in 5 days and I am keeping it up. Masturbation without porn is hard, because I do it, and then intrusive thoughts arise and then I finish and feel like crap. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I can't to this anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions/treatment options?

[Nugentis]

your not gay you have ocd and these thoughts are making you think about it because in reality you don't like men, like the other one said deep down you know what you like and want your just testing yourself

[TLCMeds]

I think it's smart to abstain from anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I will say for myself obsessive thoughts tend to snowball. Don't you feel like you could convince yourself of anything? So it's like sometimes I'm trying to freak myself out. Not because I want to, but like I'm testing myself or questioning my identity. You may find yourself always struggling with identity with the illness, but you'll be ok because deep down you know yourself. I've been told more than once that I am my own worst enemy. See now that you've thought about it, you see it much more rationally. Like a 180. When you let your worries get away from you, remember this conversation and that it's the ocd that is talking. Jared is much smarter and stronger than the negative thinking. Thanks for the reply too, it's like putting a mirror up when you hear it from someone else you know?

[jtavares]

Hi!

Thank you so much for the reply, I think I just can appreciate the male body, and you were right! I so imagine myself as the man in porn, and I would much rather an attractive man as me than an unattractive man. Also, I do have very low self-esteem, so that could be why I am so hard on myself. When I think about it, I could never be in a position where I were to date a man. I just think it wouldn't reflect me as a person. (also I have no desire what so ever to have anal sex, I had a week of straight panicking over that and I realized that if I were panicking about it that much, it is obvious I don't like it.) Now that I've realized the reason, I feel much better. As for the porn, I think i'll continue to abstain from it for a while until I don't associate men like that when I see them, sometimes I just need to calm down.


Thank you so much for your advice!
Jared

[TLCMeds]

Sorry. Me again. About the porn... if you hate that you watch it, I get it, but millions of men masturbate to porn. My husband totally does. So honestly, who wants to look at some gross dude? Not a gay or straight man. And you may also be picturing yourself as the guy and thinking about yourself in a sexual context (not gay or straight specific). Masturbatory is good to ease tension which an ocd person needs, and all guys do it it's just the truth. And most women... maybe pick a porn that doesn't make you feel so bad. I've seen some raunchy stuff, and as decent human beings we all feel a little bad about it :-) but again, stop being so hard on yourself. You know you are thinking way worse about yourself than you really are. I do it to.

[TLCMeds]

Yes :-) my advice is relax a little bit. I know you're thinking but this is my life! I know. I am a huge worrier,  and I do it obsessively. I feel bad about it, then worry about feeling bad. You are at the Prime age to ask yourself these questions and be curious. You sound very intelligent,  which is why you're not like some blockhead who doesn't even know what 'aesthetically' means. Can I also venture you are artistic? You appreciate beauty. Deep down, remember we are all very similar as boys and girls. Biologically I mean. We are blank cells that spin a wheel of fate and chromosomes in the womb :-) You are having normal attraction to positive attributes in people and that's a great thing! My guess? You are straight. If you grew up in a conservative household it is tempting and dangerous in your curious, creative mind to consider the idea. But maybe you are bi or gay. You sound like a wonderful person, and you will deal with it when you know. You can't try to know right now, because you just don't. You're fixated on it because it's frustrating not to know the answer right now. Being smart, you know?  And you possibly like to be in control?  :-) Me too. As you meet people and have experiences you will get a feel more for who you are. You sound like you are true to yourself and good for you! You're great regardless of sexual orientation!  So go have fun and stop worrying so much. Give yourself a break sometimes. I have to tell myself that all the time. By the way I'm 28, and a girl. Just for your information :-) I was curious about girls at the same age. I am married to a man now, but I think with the right girl I could have a relationship if I weren't married. No one is set in stone. Except the blockheads.