Avatar universal

HOCD. its controlling my life

I'm 17 years old . I've been going through the same thing since I was 8.I've been on and off , and sometimes they get really bad and I often say to myself if I am really a lesbian then I don't want to exsist. Its sick I get to this point but I can't help it. I feel like its the end of the world when I feel this way. I don't want to deal with his anymore.it haunts me. 
And for me also , it comes up when I'm most stressed . as a kid I don't think I've had any traumatic experience leading to this. All I could think of is my father went to war for two years and I hadn't been able to see him and my mother was strong throughout it but as expected a little unstable. She never cheated or went off the rails . she was just very upset...but you see I don't remember most of it idky. I may have blocked it out ? She is  the person I vent to. Every year at least once or twice . I feel she was at first a slight bit concerned but she always reassures me of the fact that its just hocd. I'm very close to her  we talk about they guys im intrested in all the time..and you would think just saying that im attracted to guys would explain that i am indeed attracted to guys and not lesbian but my mind refuses to agree and the thoughts fester. I live in a house of 5 girls and my father. Being surrounded by girls makes me uncomfortable in times like this. 
Growing up I was literally afraid of getting sick. To me it was the worst thing ever, I would cry and actually isolate myself from anyone and anything that could get me sick. Also I have these nervous ticks that I get for my anxiety peaks. For example like making noises to satisfy a urged feeling in my throat, or twitching my neck etc.. 
Now I get upset when I eat food. I know I'm not overweight and I was always happy with my body but recently I don't want to eat at all fearing to gain a single pound. Then the hunger will control me and I will binge eat everything at once , feel guilty and start the cycle over again. I have that and this hocd right now and its mentally destroying me.
I just need to know there's a light at the end of this tunnel. 
Boys have excited me in my life for as long a s I could remember (not sexually until a year or two ago. But even just the simple crushes I've had excited me and kept me crushing on more guys.) Its like I'm battling myself. I don't want to be gay . I don't want to find out I'm in denial  And when there's the slightest chance I can be I cry to the point of where I cannot breath and don't want to get out of bed .
For a while I could block it out and it seems so stupid that I could ever think this way (when im enjoying a guy or in a relationship.) And that I'm obviously not lesbian but then it comes crawling back to me. 
I was happily in a hetero relationship and having sex and feeling good but then we broke up and it came back worse than ever. 
Which is right now.its been a few months since my boyfriend and I split. And I've accepted it and pretty much moved on. 
Now the anxiety and thought are rushing in and its like when I have nothing to stress over, or also on the other side of the spectrum, when i have so many things im stressing about is when it comes back strongest. I know I'm kind of rambling without any structure in what I'm saying... Its just I need help and I cannot stop thinking about it. Its controlling my life and my happiness . its been 9 years . I cannot handle this .if you could help me that would be the kindest thing a person has ever done for me.
I know I didn't cover everything but it would be a really long post if I did. I just need help and recommendation.
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey I'm going through exactly same thing, stay strong and distract yourself, there's no denial it's just something u made up in your head and started obsessing about it:) I would suggest u to go to your gp and get in therapy and ask for medication it's hard going through this on your own . If u need to talk message me
You are not alone trust me I'm going through the same exact thing and it randomly hit me out of know where laying down one day it is honestly the worst Thing I have ever experienced and I want nothing more than these thoughts to go away forever
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