HOCD or Gay/Bi...PLEASE HELP!

[Paul97]

Guys, I'm losing my mind here!

Please read my whole story and tell me what you think.

I am a 16 y.o. male who has always considered myself straight as an arrow!

This is how my homosexual OCD (I hope) started:

I am not officially diagnosed with OCD. A few days before, I was panicking over the fact that I thought I had type 1 diabetes. I researched, did everything, and got more and more scared. My parents were so annoyed they eventually took me to the doctor, and they did a blood test, and I had nothing. The day after, I got hit in the nose with a tennis racket, and feared so much my nose was broken (despite no pain after an hour), I went to the doctor, took an X ray, nothing...

Then...to compensate my pain, I decided to go on yahoo answers and search up "I am gay how do I come out of the closet!" because I absolutely knew I was a straight arrow. Sure enough, after reading some of the answers, I started thinking..."what if I'm gay?"

I suddenly had a panic attack, followed by an urge to masturbate (I guess due to adrenaline) and I was calm after.

This was two months ago. And for the week after I had my panic attack, I was OK for the most part. But after that, things got disastrous! I started fearing I was gay. I went to my friend's house (who I've known for YEARS) and suddenly started to think about gay thoughts, I HATED them, I wanted them to go, but I convinced myself I must be gay. I have been in torture!!! I can't take it.

Anyways, later on, every time I see a guy now, I imagine a penis there, and there's nothing I can do, I am SO SICK OF IT. But I am telling myself I like it.

I always had watched straight porn (only focusing on the woman) and now I cant. I only watch lesbian, or put up pictures of nude woman and masturbate to that. When I'm doing that, I think "oh wow, no way I can be gay!"

All my sexual fantasies (before this) were about woman, not a SINGLE MAN. I always dreamed, loved woman. From the youngest age. Let me tell you just how confident I was, how I had NO DOUBTS of EVER being gay or bi. I went on an online chatting site once, and pretended to be gay, it was SO FUNNY, I posted pics of a penis as well, but I NEVER EVER got aroused, NOT A SINGLE THOUGHT LIKE THAT. Just all laughs. I even used to play gay with my best friends, slapping their butts, NEVER ENJOYING IT. I cannot talk to girls though, as I get super shy.

I was a huge fan of WWE wrestling for several years, seeing shirtless guys, never wanting to have sex or a single thought like that.

I was still fearing it, and one night I had a dream, and it was a naked gay man pinning me down and getting on top of me. I first thought "few, at least I don't have a boner", but then I started panicking, "oh no what if I get a boner!!", I kept panicking and panicking, and woke up ejaculating. Now WTF!!!! I've never had a perfect enjoyable sexual dream with a woman and ejaculated, but this time I did with a man?!?!?!?! It was so not enjoyable though!!

I've had nights where I think of gay thoughts, don't get hard, and then think of woman, and get super hard, by not even touching!

Was it the adrenaline ??? I woke up in severe panic, and I notice that when I panic I have a need to ejaculate no matter what. But this got me so fking scared that my life has been so miserable.

But then last night, something bad happened. I was looking up pictures of nude woman, and a GUY was there. But I remained calm. I looked at him, and went soft immediately, I thought "HA! No way I'm gay/bi". I went back to the woman, got hard. (this is with out touching, by the way), then I went back to the guy, got soft, back to woman, got hard.

I was OBSESSING. I kept saying "just one more time to prove to myself". I did this probably 6 times, and finally I went back to woman and I wouldn't get hard (with out touching). I started getting stressed, I touched and got hard. I said "few".

Then, to test myself further, I went to gay pictures, got soft. When I got soft, I am always very calm. But, then again, I started saying "what if I like this?", the SAME panic in the dream hit me, and while I didn't get a boner I got such a need to ejaculate, I went to the woman, gave a single pump and ejaculated. I did not have a need to ejaculate to a man! It is just that when I'm panicking, my penis gets tingly and it makes me ejaculate for no reason. When I am calm, I NEVER found the men attractive. And I still didn't panicking! But I needed to ejaculate because I was panicking and I believe it's an adrenaline response but I dont know!

When I was calm, I never found the male pics sexy. And I'm torturing myself over this! I dont get it!!!

Then, today was the ABSOLUTE WORST!

I put on videos of woman dancing in bikinis, and got extremely hard. I loved it. Then I went to a shirtless guy to see if I would get soft, and started the "what if I like this??" and again, started panicking, I ejaculated panicking and I didnt even TOUCH my penis???? It's always when I'm in the middle of a PANIC! I have NEVER looked at a woman and ejaculated with out touching, but this man automatically triggered panic and I ejaculated. now WTF!

This has never ever happened before with a woman and I just don't get it! I am so afraid of being gay/bi and I dont know what to do! I've never had a sexual thought with a man I've enjoyed, i've been in hot tubs with guys , never a sexual thought, and now when I panic I ejaculate always! It's like men trigger this panic, and the panic makes me ejaculate.

I've had dreams (just the other night) of me having sexual intercourse with woman, and men show up and I get grossed. It's only when I start overthinking it, is when I panic, and when I ejaculate for no sexual reason!


PLEASE tell me what you think, and why this is happening!!! Could adrenaline be causing this when I panic? I dont get it and I need help! I have ruined my perfectly happy, thought I was always straight life.

I also wanted to say I can't even look at my brother now because I've convinced myself I like him and I seriously need help! He's triggered panic attacks as well where I need to ejaculate to release the stress.

When I'm calm, I NEVER get horny to a guy, it's when I start panicking I need to ejaculate to release the stress or something and its uncontrollable! I have had SO MANY urges in school to have sex with woman, SO MANY. All my non-porn masturbation was over woman. (this is for 3 yrs of masturbating). ALL of my dreams were of woman.

I have NEVER had a happy gay thought. Now that I fear it so much, I get panic attacks when I see guys testing myself, and the panic causes me to ejaculate? When I am calm, I get soft to men in an instant. One night, I was imagining woman sex, got super hard, then men, got soft.

Another time, I was looking at pics of men to test myself, nothing, then a woman in short shorts came, got hard.

It is ONLY when I panic, is when I have uncontrollable ejaculation. PLEASE HELP GUYS! I am so afraid I am gay/bi even though I KNOW I would never do anything with a guy in real life. Is this panic or what?

Please tell me what you think guys in losing my mind!

[JGF25]

Hi there.  First off let me say that it does sound like you have issues with health anxiety and blowing injuries out of proportion by thinking the worst has happened.  That is one part of OCD and of course the thinking you are doing right now regarding are you gay or not, that is another common OCD irrational thought.  You have only to look on this forum to see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD.  Even Rechelle97 is going through this.  

Take a look at my posts "The Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" and you will see how your behavior, your checking, your testing, is actually keeping you in the OCD loop.  

Then take a look at my "Is it HOCD or not?" post and you will see that you fall under the HOCD part by the way you are thinking.  

I will bump both to the top of the forum.

It is important not to do all this testing and internet searching.  Back and forth with videos and eventually you are going to get the result you DO NOT want.  It is like me saying to you "Don't think about a purple elephant" and the first thing you are going to think about is that purple elephant.  

I think because you already have other issues that your parents are aware of, that you should talk to them about seeing a psychologist.  Then you can get a diagnosis and tell them everything you are going through so they can help you learn to let these thoughts go.  It really is a mind game we play on ourselves.  We take what we fear and we try to turn it into reality in our heads when in fact they are just fictions we have made up.  You need to get back to the fact world and out of the fictional world.  So have that discussion with your parents.  You don't have to live your life with this thought or any others like it.  There is help but you do need to seek it.  

Take care.  

[Rachelle97]

Im inclined to believe that sexual orientation is determined before birth. I don't believe you are gay or bi, but you may have HOCD. I'm not a therapist, so I can't tell you for sure. If you had no problem being straight before this, then I believe you are a heterosexual male just having some irrational thoughts. I am currently
going through this as well, but not as bad.I recommend you talk to a therapist. No they arent going to tell you you're gay, because you dont sound like you are.
Anything can turn a teenager on. Heck, I got aroused by curtains! CURTAINS. That dosent mean you're gay. For an example, if someone smokes ONE TIME in their life, does that make them a smoker? Nope. Just because you had a gay thought dosent make you gay.

Btw, Im 16 year old girl and going through this myself.
Take care

[Paul97]

There's just so many straight experiences I've had. Such as me and my friends ranking girls in hotness in class. Never a feeling with a man! I am losing my mind!

[Paul97]

I've also done some super gay crap as jokes and never got any arousal. Such as massaging guys in gym class for the laughs, pretending to hug guys, slapping their butts, etc. ALL AS A JOKE. Never did I have sexual pleasure or any sex thoughts about it!