Avatar universal

HOCD or Latent homosexuality?

As you might've read this post is about latent homosexuality and HOCD. I'm worried about being GAY not bisexual. I had a lot of "gay" experiences mainly when I was 9-12, which is the time I started puberty. I never really LIKED guys in that way, but a lot of my experience says otherwise (I have written them after each question)
PLEASE answer the QUESTIONS! I can't stress this enough ANSWER the questions with proof/evidence not stupid BS theories

1) Do latent bisexuals exist? I know sigmund frued said latent homosexuals exist, but does it work for bisexuals. Please dont comment with "ideas" but with facts and evidence/proof.
2) Can a latent homosexual/bisexual delude themselves so much that they feel like they actually like girls and feel "true" attraction? I am very attracted to girls and always have been since I was 4 or 5.
3) Can 1-2 impulsive gay sex thoughts be a sign of latent homosexuality/bisexuality? This happened once when I was masturbating and thought of a guy suddenly out of no where for 1/2 a second to a second, 1 and a 1/2 seconds max.
4) Do latent homosexuals/bisexuals feel genuine disgust when seeing gay porn? This one's self explanatory.
5) Can latent homosexuals who aren't homophobic exist?
6) If someone was homophobic a lot at age 11 or so but is far less homophobic at age 13 (On a scale of 1-10 I would say im 2-4) does it mean the chances of being a latent homosexual is lower than before? I would like to say im not a homophobe and have matured a lot since age 11, by the scale of 2-4, I mean I AM accepting of gays' and don't hate every single one. I dislike LGBT group because they are parading over nothing, how many nowadays even care who likes who. I also hate the stereo-types, and the sexual deviants. I think it's fine for gays' to get married and do whatever they want except have kids, which I think is unhealthy for a child and will leave them scarred or bullied. I also find gays' kissing disgusting, and would feel uncomfortable around a gay (since I never met one) but im sure I would get desensitized.
7) If I am a latent homosexual/bisexual, how do I find out if I am? I tried really hard to see if I am aroused by gay porn and I really wasn't, I did feel arousal when I used to watch it at age 11 (once at 12). I wouldn't exactly call it arousal, I think I used to watch it because it was just there and I only had a few movies (not porn) which had straight sex in them and got tired of watching the same ones, so it was just there because it's different, and it was just sex to me, a testosterone filled child. I watched at 12 as experimentation as far as I know.
8) Can weird porn habits be signs of latent homosexuality/bisexuality? Once again when I was 11-12 (most gay experiences happened at that age), I used to watch things like muscular women (few times at 13), shemales (once or twice at 13 although once either creep out or disgusted), girl on guy using strap-on (I used to try and look for the least ugliest guys).
9) Feeling possibly (unlikely) aroused by wrestling with my brother, be a sign of you know what?
10) Is latent homosexuality reliable? I know most will say "yes it is", without any research, but is it really? It sounds like a stupid concept made against homophobes that 9 year old kids would use, and it was made by a crack-head, over a hundred years ago and his other "theories" didn't make much sense either. He claimed boys' in a family wanted to kill their father so he can have sex with his mum, and apparently girls' wanted to have penises'.
11) If I saw something that looked like gay sex on tv, and wanted to see if it really was gay sex mean I secretly like it or want to see it?
12) I had mancrushes' before could that mean I had real crushes' and repressed it so that I turn it into a friendship? I was in a room full of idiots and the guy seemed to be a nice quiet person so once I saw him talking to an older person who I knew so I went to talk to the older person too so I can spark a conversation with him. I talked about him sometimes to my brother. If it was one of my normal crushes' on girls', I would be too scared and nervous or not bothered to go to the older person to spark a convo with the girl, I would most likely just look at the girl from far but would try my hardest to impress or charm them if they were talking to me. The way I see it, this can go both ways, it means either:
A) I feel nervous around girls because I like them in a different way and want to have a different relationship past friendship, unlike a guy who is a normal friend which is easy to make
OR (keep in mind I had a low self esteem and thought I was ugly so I never asked a girl out)
B) I feel easier with the guy because deep down I know I like him but get nervous with girls because deep down girls are something I don't like.
12) I used to go on a chat site and act like a girl and occasionally talk dirty to guys' I sometimes got a semi while doing so, it was never anything too vivid just, something not too disgusting is that a sign? I used to picture my dream girl and become her or picture her kind of. It's hard to explain but I felt like I was the person talking to the girl (kind of) and got turned on by what I was saying instead of what the guy said, I guess you could say I felt like I was having a conversation with myself. Did this at age 10 mostly and occasionally at age 11. I stopped afterwards but started again at age 13 a month or two before I got HOCD (which wasn't diagnosed professionally).

Those are all the questions, I want serious answers and nothing like 'you're still young you'll figure it out' OR it's 'normal teen hormones'. I did suffer from confessional OCD and germ OCD at ages 9-10 and 13, I had HOCD once at 8 and again (now) at 13 (symptoms have improved). I also numerous times throughout my life did things like, moving my ears, putting things in certain order, and got no peace until I did it, which was an on and off thing. I also had intrusive thoughts almost all my life (only when I try to think of something, then it just changes) which I think what the masturbating impulsive thoughts was.I also sometimes had songs stuck in my head that didn't leave

I did try to be MORE masculine than I already was (still kind of do), by wanting to have more facial hair, a deeper voice, but I didn't think about being masculine (not every time at least), I just liked that stuff (on me that is not other guys). I always was "macho" and wanted exciting jobs like the police, army etc, but did sometimes want the calmer gentler jobs like painting, engineering. I did want a job as a boxer/fighter but I was mainly inspired by movies. I guess I have the "personality" of a manly person naturally (I read latents WANT that personality but don't originally have it)
I never hit on girls before (low self esteem,but I am generally confident) but some girls kind of flirted with me and I didn't really know what to say. Once when I was 12 this girl said I love you to me and I said I love you too and I was planning on making a move on her, but then I had to change schools.

Now, I dont know if you actually read all of my post, I know it seems long and all, but I tried really hard to make, explain and structure this so you can understand and find it easy to read. So please answer the main questions and any other questions I might asked, also try and explain all of my experiences that I described after my questions, and if you can't, don't bother.
Tell your honest opinion on whether or not you think im a latent homosexual, but make sure it's based off of facts not just stupid made up theories.

P.S Im not a homophobe, I don't mind being bisexual, because I can always choose girls, but I just don't want to be fully gay, because 1-I would feel like a disappointment to me and my family and 2-I like girls too much. I am also for some reason feeling less attraction towards girls now, why?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
I know this  seems really long but i spent an hour writing that and it's actually really not that long. Oh and i noticed after looking at gay porn my balls look smaller (not tightend still loose by really small)
Avatar universal
One last thing, how long does it take for HOCD to go away without treatment i know its different for everyone but I can't get help from a therapist (dont ask why) but i can get a form of over the counter anti depressant which is like a last resort,but how long would it take with the anti depressant and without it? If it helps it went in about a  month when i was younger. Also when i used to watch gay porn a few weeks ago  as a compulsion i used to feel automatic disgust but now i find it funny and stupid but still disgusting.
9784446 tn?1421337046
you are getting confused about your sexuality and also you had symptoms of ocd in past so it looks like a case of ocd.

If you are not taking treatment then ocd will keep on troubling you, it will come into cycles of waxing and waning.Its better if you take treatment. generally treatment of ocd takes about 6 months with medicines but this duration can vary.
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