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HOCD or am i really Gay?
For the past 8 months my life has been an up hill battle, feeling down and not wanting to do anything just think about the possibility of been gay. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but i believe when i was younger i had some traits of it, possibly, such as only walking on the cracks whilst walking on pavement or pens been alined straight and perfectly apart.
However these are not my problems, i just feel the need for some reason to constantly question my sexuality, even though i have never questioned it before i was 18. Before all this started i had people constantly question whether i was gay as a joke due to me having 3 sisters etc. Lately it has been a nightmare and harder to accept it been HOCD, im so confused at the minute with what sexuality i am.
Firstly my attraction to women has completely dissipated, im even beginning to question whether i had an attraction at all, i use to love looking at girls and hoping that they fancied me (not really any luck because i was shy to talk to them), and hoped that they looked at me the same way, i know when i see a good-looking man however this is never sexual (or at least i dont think that it is), however i feel the need to question it and try and find the answer, sometimes i need get an answer which makes me even more depressed and anxious about it.
I use to think it was HOCD because i had many of its characteristics such as mentally checking arousal/gay scenarios to see if i liked it (sometimes i couldnt tell), checking online to see if other people felt the same way which many of times made me relieved and made me believe it was HOCD and that i wasnt gay (however the questioning came back short after), watched gay porn to see if i was aroused and found the first time i watched it i was disgusted and never aroused however each time i became less disgusted but i never got aroused by it. Does this mean i could be gay still??
Recently there is this one guy in my college class that i keep questioning if i fancy him or not and the answer is never clear its always "not reachable" and its confusing me why i cant find the answer. However things took a turn for the worse this week when we were talking and he mentioned his girlfriend (which i didnt know he had) and i had the most dreadful feeling inside of me, my heart started racing and my blood felt like it was burning my skin(felt like an anxiety spike but worse). The only explanation i could find was that maybe i really fancied him which made me spike even more and kept making me want to find out if i really did fancy him and kept questioning it and asking questions like, why did i spike? was it because i fancied him? is it because im jealous of him having a girlfriend and not me? Surely if i fancied him i would just know right? and it wouldnt fell horrible?
I could talk about this alot more but with all the other things i stressed about i was able to relieve the anxiety and find the question using online sources but no one ever seems to say they got an anxiety spike because someone told them they had a girlfriend and i just feel so down.
BTW - Ive talked to my parents about it and they've told me they dont care if im gay (which i already knew) so why should i be worried about been gay?
and when im drunk this all seems to disappear and i can be myself, when im drunk i am attracted to girls and men do not bother me however once im sober the questioning returns.
However these are not my problems, i just feel the need for some reason to constantly question my sexuality, even though i have never questioned it before i was 18. Before all this started i had people constantly question whether i was gay as a joke due to me having 3 sisters etc. Lately it has been a nightmare and harder to accept it been HOCD, im so confused at the minute with what sexuality i am.
Firstly my attraction to women has completely dissipated, im even beginning to question whether i had an attraction at all, i use to love looking at girls and hoping that they fancied me (not really any luck because i was shy to talk to them), and hoped that they looked at me the same way, i know when i see a good-looking man however this is never sexual (or at least i dont think that it is), however i feel the need to question it and try and find the answer, sometimes i need get an answer which makes me even more depressed and anxious about it.
I use to think it was HOCD because i had many of its characteristics such as mentally checking arousal/gay scenarios to see if i liked it (sometimes i couldnt tell), checking online to see if other people felt the same way which many of times made me relieved and made me believe it was HOCD and that i wasnt gay (however the questioning came back short after), watched gay porn to see if i was aroused and found the first time i watched it i was disgusted and never aroused however each time i became less disgusted but i never got aroused by it. Does this mean i could be gay still??
Recently there is this one guy in my college class that i keep questioning if i fancy him or not and the answer is never clear its always "not reachable" and its confusing me why i cant find the answer. However things took a turn for the worse this week when we were talking and he mentioned his girlfriend (which i didnt know he had) and i had the most dreadful feeling inside of me, my heart started racing and my blood felt like it was burning my skin(felt like an anxiety spike but worse). The only explanation i could find was that maybe i really fancied him which made me spike even more and kept making me want to find out if i really did fancy him and kept questioning it and asking questions like, why did i spike? was it because i fancied him? is it because im jealous of him having a girlfriend and not me? Surely if i fancied him i would just know right? and it wouldnt fell horrible?
I could talk about this alot more but with all the other things i stressed about i was able to relieve the anxiety and find the question using online sources but no one ever seems to say they got an anxiety spike because someone told them they had a girlfriend and i just feel so down.
BTW - Ive talked to my parents about it and they've told me they dont care if im gay (which i already knew) so why should i be worried about been gay?
and when im drunk this all seems to disappear and i can be myself, when im drunk i am attracted to girls and men do not bother me however once im sober the questioning returns.
OCD in general can make you believe all kinds of crazy stuff. I spent a good amount of time thinking I was going to go blind while I was driving. Pretty stupid right!
Anyway, this is my take on being gay or not. It is all genetic. We are born gay or we are not. Think about it. What makes me as a heterosexual woman attracted to men? The hormones that my body produces as a result of my genes make me think men are attracted. It is the reverse for gay people. People that are gay know it. There is no back and forth. Oh sure they may be in relationships with the opposite sex but deep down inside they are not satisfied and know something is missing.
You are an introvert and there is nothing wrong with that. You don't like to put yourself out there. That doesn't make you gay nor does having three sisters. If you look in this forum, you will see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD. Do you think that all of them are gay? I can tell you that I haven't actually come across one post where I truly thought the person was gay.
I'm so happy to hear that you have a great relationship with your parents and that you can talk to them. They don't care if you are gay. Wonderful response...same one I would have if my children came to me. So what is holding you back from screaming out loud you are gay? Nobody cares, right. What is holding you back is the fact that you are not gay, don't want to be gay, and I don't think you are attracted to men. Oh sure we look at the opposite sex because we are comparing ourselves to them. Are they better looking than us...do they have nicer clothes and do those clothes fit them better...is their body better built. Hell I still do it and I'm 49. If you ask your mom and dad, I'm sure they still do it to. We are never satisfied with what we have which is why we look at others with envy. If only we could just be happy :)
Anyway, this is obviously bothering you a lot so my suggestion is for you to talk to your parents and get an appointment with a psychologist specifically one that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy. Go from there. They are not doing to sit you down and say you are in denial. You have had some past anxiety (cracks and all that) so you do have a history there that needs to be explored.
Fear is what keeps us in the OCD cycle. Don't do testing because that also keeps you there (porn watching, etc.) Instead say "WHATEVER, MOVE ON" to yourself and don't even let the thought take on a life of its own. Basically you are saying who cares and when you do that and you take the fear away, the thought will go with it. When you say white your brain will say black but you just have to brush that off. It is a mind game we play on ourselves. See the psychologist and I know you will be fine.
Anyway, this is my take on being gay or not. It is all genetic. We are born gay or we are not. Think about it. What makes me as a heterosexual woman attracted to men? The hormones that my body produces as a result of my genes make me think men are attracted. It is the reverse for gay people. People that are gay know it. There is no back and forth. Oh sure they may be in relationships with the opposite sex but deep down inside they are not satisfied and know something is missing.
You are an introvert and there is nothing wrong with that. You don't like to put yourself out there. That doesn't make you gay nor does having three sisters. If you look in this forum, you will see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD. Do you think that all of them are gay? I can tell you that I haven't actually come across one post where I truly thought the person was gay.
I'm so happy to hear that you have a great relationship with your parents and that you can talk to them. They don't care if you are gay. Wonderful response...same one I would have if my children came to me. So what is holding you back from screaming out loud you are gay? Nobody cares, right. What is holding you back is the fact that you are not gay, don't want to be gay, and I don't think you are attracted to men. Oh sure we look at the opposite sex because we are comparing ourselves to them. Are they better looking than us...do they have nicer clothes and do those clothes fit them better...is their body better built. Hell I still do it and I'm 49. If you ask your mom and dad, I'm sure they still do it to. We are never satisfied with what we have which is why we look at others with envy. If only we could just be happy :)
Anyway, this is obviously bothering you a lot so my suggestion is for you to talk to your parents and get an appointment with a psychologist specifically one that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy. Go from there. They are not doing to sit you down and say you are in denial. You have had some past anxiety (cracks and all that) so you do have a history there that needs to be explored.
Fear is what keeps us in the OCD cycle. Don't do testing because that also keeps you there (porn watching, etc.) Instead say "WHATEVER, MOVE ON" to yourself and don't even let the thought take on a life of its own. Basically you are saying who cares and when you do that and you take the fear away, the thought will go with it. When you say white your brain will say black but you just have to brush that off. It is a mind game we play on ourselves. See the psychologist and I know you will be fine.
Can HOCD really make you believe that your in love with someone? man this is killing me!
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