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HOCD or in Denial?

I’m a 15 year old girl and have liked boys all my life. I have never been attracted to girls or wanted to do anything with one. I randomly started getting the thought “what if I’m lesbian” last summer but eventually it went away. Now it’s back and I blame it on quarantine. It’s so bad this time and I’m so upset that it’s back. I sit in my room all day by myself just thinking about this. “Am I lesbian?” “Do I like girls” and even though I know I wouldn’t act on these things it still bothers me so much. I finally seemed ok and had a good week and now they’re back again, I feel like I’m never gonna recover. I feel like the thoughts are so bad and vivid that they are convincing me in bi. I know I still like boys but my brain keeps repeating questions like “would u date a girl, can u see urself with a girl, etc” I’m scared and sickened over these thoughts my heart races so fast and I feel sick. I’m not attracted to girls and when I tell my friends about it they tel me to experiment. But I don’t want to, I don’t want to be lesbian/bi, and because of these thoughts I’m scared over the fact of “what if I liked it”. I do not want to think about that I want to be with a boy not a girl. I don’t understand why I’m now having these thoughts because before I developed HOCD I wouldn’t have to give my sexuality a second thought, I know I’m straight. Sorry if this is hard to understand.
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Calling it HOCD can make it worse.  This isn't really OCD.  It's more like a phobia.  And the truth is, even if you did it and liked it that alone wouldn't make you a lesbian.  We all like sex.  We all like orgasms.  What makes a person gay is loving people of the same sex.  Not just enjoying sex.  It's very common to have these kinds of thoughts.  They often occur when we're feeling insecure at a young age as you are now.  Since it matters not whether or not you're gay, bi, or straight, it only matters because it's bothering you.  If you're only attracted to guys, you're straight.  If you try it and you like it and want to do it again, I guess you're bi if you're still attracted to guys.  But so what?  Now, life is harder if you're bi.  Hard to maintain a relationship if you can't settle.  But the problem you're having is these thoughts are becoming an obsession and bothering you.  Not the thoughts themselves.  We all have all kinds of thoughts.  We don't act on most of them.  It's the mind being a mind.  If it continues to bother you and you can't shake the obsessive thinking, there's something else going on and you might consider a therapist.  They can be seen online.  Peace.
1 Comments
this is wrong. You should really read up on what it means to have ocd. Don't listen to these uneducated people! Just remind yourself that your ocd thoughts are just thoughts and that they dont mean anything. I am struggling with the same thing too and I am afraid that I am slowly turning bi. Don't worry though, its just your ocd.
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