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HOCD turning into BI-OCD please help???????

Hello, I have struggled with HOCD when I was a teenager and it was the worst experience of my life. Over the past two-three months it has come back (I am 21), It has been absolutely hell. The thought of being a lesbian is literally my worst nightmare I am so so scared of it, not because of what society thinks of it (I am totally supportive of the LBQT community) but because it is so alien to me, it is something that does not feel right to me, I have ALWAYS had crushes and attraction to men. When I dress up for uni, work or going out clubbing I can't wait to get checked out by men, I love flirting with men and have always had huge crushes. I was obsessed with a guy for 6 years of my life and I am also in a relationship with a guy now and he is the absolute love of my life. I have although always been nervous around guys, I remember having my first kiss and being so unbearably nervous because I thought I would be bad (my OCD uses this as evidence) and I never went further than kissing with a guy up until I was 17 I got fingered once and then when I met my boyfriend. My dad and the school I went to always instilled the thought that sex and sexual activities was dirty and shameful and that I would not gain respect from men by "giving" myself up. So of course I do have anxiety when it comes to sex in my relationship, again my OCD does use this as evidence.

I have never been attracted to girls sexually, I've only ever noticed when a girl is pretty or when a celebrity is gorgeous, or I've been jealous that someone is prettier than me. The thought of having sex with a girl disgusts me and the thought of being with a girl romantically or marrying one weirds me out and almost makes me laugh at how absurd the thought is. When I compulsively check for arousal through mental images of being with a girl I get so much anxiety I feel like I am choking. I can't even watch tv shows properly because of false attractions and me being scared when I see a girl that is pretty. Ive also had HOCD nightmares where I'm compulsively checking in my dream but instead of feeling nothing I get aroused and I wake up aroused.

I've never had the urge to watch lesbian porn, I've never engaged in anything sexual with a girl not even a kiss and when I see lesbian scenes on tv I either have no reaction or it weirds me out a bit. I really do not want to be gay, I do not want to be with a girl it actually makes me sick but my HOCD makes the thoughts feel so real that I get confused about reality.

What spiked my HOCD this time was that I had a weird gay dream with both men and women and I woke up aroused. I know that it is normal for people to have these dreams but of course my OCD blew this out of proportion and here I am 3 months later with the worst anxiety and depression I have had in a long time.

But sometimes the thought pops into my head "what about if you were bisexual" which is of course more rational which makes it so much more scarier. Today it was heightened, I had to go home from work because I had a panic attack. The evidence my OCD uses is the fact I had a thought years ago that "everyone could fall in love with everyone" and I was fine with it, in fact I thought it was a believable concept. Then I started thinking about my childhood (like I always do) and I remember that I used to be intrigued by sexual things and I remember that one time I talked about it too much so my friend didn't want to be friends with me anymore.

I also remember that in high school I had this friend and we were so so close and I remember we had a huge fight. My mum always said to me that soul mates can be friends as well it just means that you met each other in a past life and you have a special connection (not necessarily romantic). I ended up writing her a letter saying I was sorry about the fight and that I thought she was a soul mate in a friend way and I remember her getting weirded out and not wanting to be friends with me. I remember getting jealous that she was now friends with a girl who was rude to me. My OCD has taken this as I had a crush on her and that I wanted to be with her. Another more recent time maybe a few years ago when I was 18-19, I was out drunk at a club so I don't remember all the details but I remember my friend was getting with a really hot guy and no guys were noticing me. I remember being upset that she was getting with that guy, and I remember having anxiety while sobering up that I thought I was jealous she was getting with that guy because I liked her. I have never felt attraction to this friend, yes she's pretty but I don't want to be with her like that. I also get scared because one time some girl hit on me in the bathroom and I was really weirded out and told people and Im scared I was projecting my denial onto people. I also remember in high school there was this girl that was openly lesbian and I heard that she had a crush on me and I was really weirded out but when her friend told me she doesn't have a crush on me anymore I thought "am I ugly" or something like that. I also have a lot of social anxiety and my OCD tells me that because I can get uncomfortable around my friends that its because I'm in denial about being gay. All these things make me thing that maybe I've been in denial and that I am bisexual.

Today I confronted my fear of saying it out loud, when I said "I'm straight" I had anxiety because I felt nothing and I got an intrusive thought that said "that doesn't sound right" and then when I said "I am bisexual" my OCD thoughts told me that it sounded right and I welled up with anxiety and couldn't stop the thoughts and thats what spiralled me into a panic attack at work. Then I thought to myself okay if there is a possibility I am bisexual at least I can still be with a man, this gives me relief at first but then I get so anxious because I really don't want to be with a girl, I don't want to fall in love with a girl its just not me, but my OCD makes it feel like complete denial. I am scared I just haven't accepted that I'm bi and thats why i have so much anxiety but I just want to feel normal again I want to marry a man, I want to have children with a man, I love being with a man and feeling sexual in the eyes of a man. I am so scared that someday I will suddenly fall in love with a woman. Please has anyone gone through the same thing???????? I am so scared and petrified right now I honestly don't know what to do
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Avatar universal
Also I keep getting thoughts that I had all these crushes on girls when I didn’t. I can remember every crush on a guy I’ve ever had and there’s a lot but I can’t remember if I’ve had one on a girl and I keep getting false memories or false memories of attraction. It’s making me feel like ive suppressed these crushes!?! Someone please help I’m seriously freaking out
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please can someone help I have been up all night shaking, I keep repeating to myself "I am straight" and my OCD is making me feel like that doesn't sound "right" and now I don't know if its my OCD or just my true feelings. Then I repeat "I am bisexual" to see if I get the same reaction and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't and I freak out. This is the worst I have ever been I keep getting thoughts like "you don't want to be restricted to one sex" which is not true I don't want to be with a woman ever I really don't, the thought of having sex with a woman or falling in love with one doesn't feel right, it feels wrong and gives me so much anxiety, I never had urges when I wasn't going through this but now I am so scared that I was in denial. Please is anyone going through the same thing especially the repeating of "I am straight" or "I am gay" to see what reaction they get. I am so scared my reaction to the "I am straight" is real?!?!?!?!! I have never been this panicked my hands are shaking  
Avatar universal
LGBT*
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