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HOCD?

Sorry if this is long but I’m 17 years old F and I believe I am suffering with HOCD. My whole life I have been straight. Or at least I think. In December the thought :what if I am gay has popped into my head. It first started off with me telling my mom I was bi. But I instantly regret it because I had no sexual attraction to girls. So then I explained to her the thoughts I’d been having. She said that it’s probably just a little anxiety. For weeks I’d have panic attacks during school because the thoughts weren’t gone. I’d constant to look up things about coming out or internalized homophobia. Anyway recently, I’ve started masturbating to lesbian porn and not because I wanted to. My brain told me to. At first it didn’t really appeal to me but I wasn’t disgusted. Now it seems like I love it. My doctor put me on lexapro and I’ve started seeing a therapist but every time I talked about the thoughts she made me feel like she didn’t care. All I can do is admire other females now and my mind feels like I like it now and there’s no way out unless I accept my sexuality. 7 months ago I was obsessed with every boy I came in contact with but now they don’t amuse me. If anyone has advice please reply. I’m open to anything !
1 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi there.
I’m sorry you are suffering from HOCD, I was in your shoes when I was your age. This is a very common worry among OCD sufferers.
Remember there is a difference between thoughts and your own reality. A thought popped into your mind, ‘What if I am gay?’
Most people would not give it a second thought and would forget about it, but a person with OCD can jump on this thought & starting obsessively worrying about it so much it starts to feel real. ‘I’m worrying and thinking so much about being gay, it must be because I am.” But I know and you know that you are not.
Feeling aroused while watching lesbian porn also does not mean you are gay. They have done countless studies on human sexuality and arousal. They have found woman even more so than men can get turned on by different sexual content. Arousal does not equal sexual orientation.
Of all my truly gay loved ones, they all knew from a very very early age they were difffent. As did their parents.
This is your OCD. Remember this and focus your life on more positive and fun moments :)
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