Hi, please help me.
I'm 20 year old girl. I think i suffer from HOCD. The problem is that I don't have all the signs of HOCD. All of you say that you were always attracted to opposite sex, but I have never had a crush on anyone. I did always dreamed about having a boyfriend, I have an 'imaginary world" in my hesd where I have a few charachters and they are all in romantic straight relationships. I find it very cute and daydream about their relationships (kind of weird). Also I was always saying to everyone that I want a boyfriend, and I could say if some boy is cute. But i never had a crush. I never become obssesed with some boy. I never imagined myself having sex with someone or kiss. Or I cant remember right now because my mind is so confused. I never had many male friends, I do have one, but he is 'girly' and smaller than me so I never had a crush on him. I never really looked out for boys or I never wanted a relationship until few months ago. Then I started dreaming about having a boyfriend. I'm pretty high so in my junior years all boys were smaller than me and they still are. So I'm doubting that maybe thats the reason I never had a crush. I have a really low self confidence. I don't find myself attractive and I don't know would anyone fall for me. I NEVER thought of kissing a girl or something. I had a lot of friends who were girls and I never had a crush on them. I never wanted to kiss them or touch them, anything. I started searching online why I never had a crush. Then I saw a comment "do you maybe like girls?" It was a trigger for me. Since then my life is hell. I have panic attacks, anxiety, I can't eat or sleep right. I also sometimes feel like I will throw up and I have a high preassure. My mind is convincing me that I'm gay and that I had crushes on girls and didn't realise it. Also, I can't say it's only that I don't want to be lesbian. I am frightened of that, but I'm also afraid how would it reflect on my life. How would others react. But I REALLY don't want to be gay. I have clear moments when I'm calm and sure I'm not gay. I'm sure I would realize until now. But then It'd starts again. Sometimes it lasts all day. I start requestioning my acts in past, to realise if I had a crush on some of my friends. I'm scared of meeting new female friends because I'm scared that now " when I realised" I would like them. And I don't want to. I always dreamed about getting married to some guy and have kids with him. I never doubted I'm lesbian before. And when I imagine myself kissing with a women I instantly put that picture away. I can't even imagine it properly, so I don't know if it disgustes me or not. I feel like my mind don't want to let me because somewherr deep i know i would like that. And I don't want that. I cry a lot, I lost contact with reality, sometimes when someones telling me something I'm not even listening. I'm afraid that I'm in denial and that eventually I will come out. And I dont want to. I would rather be closeted till death and alone forever. I even have suicidal thoughts in my darkest moments. I don't know how it feels like kissing or having a boyfriend, and I'm afraid that then I will realise I don't like them. And i really do want to like them. When I'm around females now i have this pictures of kissing them and then i get anxiety. I haven't told anyone about this. But i'm thinking of telling to one person. I hope that person will umderstand. Im frightened that someone will convince me that I'm gay. I never had anything against LGBT population. I think that they are normal and support them. I just don't want to live that life. Also, I get aroused by lesbian porn, but also by gay porn and some other 'taboo' things (incest for excample). And that is what hurtd the most because my mind keeps telling me that there sre a lot of proofs I am gay. I cant do this anymore. I think that I will get sick somehow from this. Because anixety and stress are very real. I just want it to go away..please help me