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Avatar universal

HOCD

Hi, please help me.
I'm 20 year old girl. I think i suffer from HOCD. The problem is that I don't have all the signs of HOCD. All of you say that you were always attracted to opposite sex, but I have never had a crush on anyone. I did always dreamed about having a boyfriend, I have an 'imaginary world" in my hesd where I have a few charachters and they are all in romantic straight relationships. I find it very cute and daydream about their relationships (kind of weird). Also I was always saying to everyone that I want a boyfriend, and I could say if some boy is cute. But i never had a crush. I never become obssesed with some boy. I never imagined myself having sex with someone or kiss. Or I cant remember right now because my mind is so confused. I never had many male friends, I do have one, but he is 'girly' and smaller than me so I never had a crush on him. I never really looked out for boys or I never wanted a relationship until few months ago. Then I started dreaming about having a boyfriend. I'm pretty high so in my junior years all boys were smaller than me and they still are. So I'm doubting that maybe thats the reason I never had a crush. I have a really low self confidence. I don't find myself attractive and I don't know would anyone fall for me. I NEVER thought of kissing a girl or something. I had a lot of friends who were girls and I never had a crush on them. I never wanted to kiss them or touch them, anything. I started searching online why I never had a crush. Then I saw a comment "do you maybe like girls?" It was a trigger for me. Since then my life is hell. I have panic attacks, anxiety, I can't eat or sleep right. I also sometimes feel like I will throw up and I have a high preassure. My mind is convincing me that I'm gay and that I had crushes on girls and didn't realise it. Also, I can't say it's only that I don't want to be lesbian. I am frightened of that, but I'm also afraid how would it reflect on my life. How would others react. But I REALLY don't want to be gay. I have clear moments when I'm calm and sure I'm not gay. I'm sure I would realize until now. But then It'd starts again. Sometimes it lasts all day. I start requestioning my acts in past, to realise if I had a crush on some of my friends. I'm scared of meeting new female friends because I'm scared that now " when I realised" I would like them. And I don't want to. I always dreamed about getting married to some guy and have kids with him. I never doubted I'm lesbian before. And when I imagine myself kissing with a women I instantly put that picture away. I can't even imagine it properly, so I don't know if it disgustes me or not. I feel like my mind don't want to let me because somewherr deep i know i would like that. And I don't want that. I cry a lot, I lost contact with reality, sometimes when someones telling me something I'm not even listening. I'm afraid that I'm in denial and that eventually I will come out. And I dont want to. I would rather be closeted till death and alone forever. I even have suicidal thoughts in my darkest moments. I don't know how it feels like kissing or having a boyfriend, and I'm afraid that then I will realise I don't like them. And i really do want to like them. When I'm around females now i have this pictures of kissing them and then i get anxiety. I haven't told anyone about this. But i'm thinking of telling to one person. I hope that person will umderstand. Im frightened that someone will convince me that I'm gay. I never had anything against LGBT population. I think that they are normal and support them. I just don't want to live that life. Also, I get aroused by lesbian porn, but also by gay porn and some other 'taboo' things (incest for excample). And that is what hurtd the most because my mind keeps telling me that there sre a lot of proofs I am gay. I cant do this anymore. I think that I will get sick somehow from this. Because anixety and stress are very real. I just want it to go away..please help me
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Googling symptoms can be a hard road to go down.  HOCD is a term that you can use to put a label to yourself, but it doesn't really mean anything.  What you are describing is a phobia about being gay because you are biased against gay people.  Almost all of us are, including many gay people, because society has been very anti-gay for centuries.  It wasn't always so.  But it has been for a long time.  The only odd thing about wondering about such things is that you're 20, or say you are, and by then unless you live in a very repressive society we've had some sexual experiences.  So do you live in a country that has very strict sexual taboos?  Also, one of the reasons I wonder about your actual age is that 20 year olds don't have crushes.  16 year olds have crushes.  20 year olds have relationships unless again you are prohibited by your culture from having one.  And that is where the truth comes out, which is who you choose to have sex with.  If you just think about it, your imagination can create all kinds of possibilities, but it's what you actually do that determines things.  I have no idea if you're lesbian or just have a low interest in sex or have been raised in a repressive culture.  No way to know by your post.  But your problem isn't your imagination, it's that thinking about it is causing you mental distress.  That problem requires help when it gets to the point you're at now, and I would suggest seeking therapy if it's available to you.  If you are gay, you're gay.  If you're not, you're not.  That's not really the problem.  Driving yourself nuts over it is the problems.  Now, you do mention something that might be a problem, which is that you like incest porn.  That suggests a different problem.  You need therapy and I hope you can get it.  Peace.
Avatar universal
Hello Nka 2121 I am also struggling with hocd snd our stories seem very similar. I have been struggling for a very very long time and right now it’s all starting to feel more real. Right now I’m so so scared because all of these thoughts and images used to repulse me. But yesterday I had a very sexual thought and normally after analyzing and thinking about it I’m able to determine I don’t like the thought then move on, but I had the thought and i didn’t feel the repulsed and gross feeling I didn’t get the heavy drop in my stomach snd it felt as if I would be comfortable doing it or even like it. I’m freaking out now because I’m so scared it means that I’m bisexual. I don’t want to be. I’ve never felt comfortable or had any desire to do this in my life. But my mind is convinced that once I see a girl who I think is pretty I am going to feel desire snd I hate it because it feels like it could be true. I’m so scared because I don’t feel repulsed anymore by this thought, I don’t feel anxiety either. I don’t feel uncomfortable I just feel numb by it. My mind tells me any feeling of weirdness I feel is because I would like it and now every time I picture it even today it feels as if I would and I hate it so much. I feel as if I’ve realized this is who I am and my heart just aches. I know I would never want to do these things, but my mind tells me I’ll be unhappy if I don’t. It’s so convincing even thought I know it’s not true because I was the happiest I had ever been in my life before all of this started. Has anyone experienced this too? Someone please tell me it’s just the ocd playing tricks on me and that I actually don’t want it like these things.
1 Comments
Hi there! I am a fellow HOCD suffer and I relate to everything you just said. I posted yesterday telling my story, feel free to read it. Honestly, both of our stories seem like we are just bi in denial, but since we both obsess about it, I still hope that it is OCD. these thoughts are very confusing and distressing and I just want it to be over! I would give anything to get back to my straight life but this frequent obsessing has caused my sexuality to change and I hate it. This comment was a while ago so please tell me if you have made any progress.
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