HOCD or deep denial?

[CrystalPepsi]

Good Evening Community,

I have read this board the last few months and decided to post my own problem to see whether I have been lying to myself all my life or if I have a severe psychological problem. So to start things off, I'm 20 years old and you probably read it countless amount of times when people have posted about the same concern as I am currently posting. I have never been interested in the same gender, nor did I ever had any sexual experiences with the same gender. I have always been interested in girls and I had my first kiss with a girl at the young age of 6. I never had high self-confidence, I compensated my lack of confidence, by being extremly unfriendly towards people I didn't know. I also have severe problems getting to know new people and friends, because I have hard times opening myself. Alright so in 3rd Grade I had a crush on two girls, which I sadly never could hook up with. I started watching pornographic content at the age of 13 and was always into heterosexual pornography. Never ever did I have a gay thought in the back of my head. At the age of 16, I managed to finally find a girlfriend which I loved extremly hard, it broke apart because I always was jealous if she met with other male friends, because in my mentality, if a girl loves one guy, she shouldn't be meeting others. So I went through a depression, was sad 3 months, tried to hookup with her again but never managed to again. In 2012 my mother passed away at the age of 43, I never really could compensate the loss, as she was my best friend and always helped me if I needed guidance in life. I started university, but didn't manage to finish it, was thrown out of my house by my stepfather because he didn't want to live with a stepson who did nothing in his life. Worked for a year and than last year I finally started university again. During the year that I worked, I have met two girls, which both didn't want to hookup with me in the end, I really was destroyed. After starting university again I had difficulties finding new friends, as I moved to a new city and I started being lonely. I never doubted my sexuality up until a point, where I was talking to a guy who was ~30 years older than me and all of the sudden I had the urge to kiss him. It was a fight against myself, because I personally didn't want to have any sexual interference with him whatsoever. So I thought, alright one gay thought can't kill you. On the next day the same event occured again, was talking to a friend and the urge appeared to kiss him. Once again it was a fight against myself, because I didn't want to even think about it. After that I started questioning my whole life, the events occured 3 months ago. There are days where I am 100% sure that it's just a stupid thought, than there are days where it starts feeling real. In the last 3 months I didn't have any gay thoughts at all, but my interest in the women race has severely departed. I always check on the street if a guy arouses me, the most ridicolous part is that sometimes I have an impulse downwards if I see a guy who is attractive. But I personally can say that I am not gay and have no interest trying out if I maybe am gay. After reading several coming out boards, some people write that they found out about their sexuality at early 20's up until late 20's. That really made me sad and I am severely depressed. I am going to get some counseling in 2 months, because there is no earlier way. I have lost my interest in meeting people, am completely isolated and everything feels unreal. What made me post this was the fact that I had a date with a girl yesterday, after 4 months not meeting women and I had a conflict with my inner self, because my brain said ''You don't want to meet her, stop wasting your time, go home'', this went on for one hour and I finally could think clear again and had a great conversation with her and also liked her personality. I wasn't attracted physically to her, because I normally don't date blonde girls, I'm into brunettes, but I still want to give it a chance, because maybe she is exactly what I need. The problem is after I came back home after the date, the OCD got real again, I almost started crying, because my brain said that I'm lying to myself and don't want to meet girls. I will meet her again next week, but I got high anxiety, what if I really am deep in denial and am extruding my true side. But I don't think that I can be gay, because as I said I tested myself, watched gayporn, it doesn't arouse me at all. On top of that, I think normal people don't think about being gay for 3 months straight, they accept it and they live their life like normal heterosexual people. But I have the thoughts in my head 24/7, after I wake up, after I go to university, after I go to the gym, after going to sleep. I mean if I was gay I would be fine with it, but I don't see a future with a man, as man always been my rolemodels and friends but I never had an emotional connection.

TL;DR : Never was interested in guys, am lonely, had two gay thoughts over the course of two days, started doubting sexuality, lost interest in woman, got depressed, don't know if its deep denial or HOCD.

[CrystalPepsi]

So I've visited a psychologist and got SSRIs, last week, so far I don't see any results, as the medication needs some time if I understand correctly.
The psychologist himself said that I probably have OCD, because of other events I have stated, thinking that I have cancer, suicidal OCD, etc. and I did feel good for quite a few days.
But my total lack of attraction for the female gender lately, makes me wonder if HOCD is just an excuse of being in denial. I watched pornographic material of homosexuals, I didn't get any arousal. I watched pornographic content of heterosexuals, no arousal either.
Last night I woke up at 3 AM and started crying for no apparent reason, because I don't want to be homosexual, I don't want to have these thoughts all day all night, I just want to live a normal life like I did before this stupid thought came up. The most stupid part about it is, the days where I didn't have the thoughts, my brain started thinking ''You don't have any thoughts again, you probably accepted your fate'' and after that of course I started reading all kind of forums again.
Worst part is that if you read the Empty Closets forum, the homosexual individuals there keep telling others that its denial. After reading some posts there I feel severe aggression and hate towards those people, because its like they make you want to believe that just because they are different you are denying it too. But than I ask myself what if the aggression I'm getting is caused by the fact that I know that they are right and can't accept it.
I'm really confused again, I'd rather die than know that I'm gay to be honest..

[JGF25]

Good that you are seeing a psychologist.  OCD is a mental disorder.  You need to learn cognitive behavioral therapy so hopefully this doctor will teach you the techniques you need to learn to help yourself when you do have these thoughts.  

[CrystalPepsi]

I never have been diagnosed having mental issues, speaking as in OCD. But that pretty much is due to the fact that I never talked with doctors about my problems before. The last time I had huge stress, I have been obsessed about having brain cancer, because I had the symptoms for over 4 months. But than all of the sudden the thoughts stopped, because I started working and automatically stopped thinking about it. But now it is more difficult, because I can't go out without thinking that I'm going to fall in love with the same gender. I woke up today, the first thought was ''Damn you're gay'' and again went through the cycle checking same gender pornography, with the thought ''Does that arouse you?''. But the fact that scares me most is, if I meet up with girls nowadays, this has been going on for four months already, my thought is  ''Do you really want to meet her, or is it just because you want to prove yourself you're not gay''. It's like a cycle of destruction. I have stated this problem to a psychologist yesterday and have an appointment next week, he said it sounds like its a mental illness, but despite everybody telling me I'm not homosexual, I never feel better, my mood is so bad that I lost all emotions. All I want to do is cry, which is sad, because I used to be a happy guy up until this started. Whenever I see a woman, I don't get any arousal anymore, when I want to ask her out and start a communication, my brain says ''Don't you're gay''. At the age of 21, I feel like I completely lost my mind.

[JGF25]

My OCD started in my later teenage years.  I had it really bad in college as well.  Along the way you start to develop coping strategies but the OCD is always there.  If it wasn't this gay thought, it might be something else.  What I want you to realize is that with the right help, you will get better.  It will take some work on your part, but there is life with OCD.  I am now 50 and I have been on meds, off meds, and back on meds depending on the stress level in my life.  I am currently on medication and look how far I have been able to come living a pretty normal and happy life.  So yes, there is life with OCD.

Not sure if I shared this with you or not about OCD

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0:

[CrystalPepsi]

Alright, so the OCD can be beaten? I mean I just fail to understand, how one little gay thought I had in my entire life, has destroyed me this hard. I was at the gym just a moment ago and had difficulties talking to a mate, because my brain kept saying that I'm just in denial and want to kiss him. Last year when I had no stress, better say my entire life, I had no difficulties talking with friends about girls. Meanwhile if I talk about girls with them my brain tells me that I'm just denying the truth. But as I said I don't fancy about guys, nor can I watch homosexual pornographic content and get aroused by doing so. It is so confusing. When I write with a girl and we talk about sexual content, I get aroused by the thought and imagination, when I joke around with my friends about homosexual stuff I don't get aroused at all. It is so confusing.

[JGF25]

Definitely talk to your doctor about medication in the mean time.  Perhaps even a benzo to take the edge off because it is hard to have this fight day in and day out without getting some sort of a break and it does lead to depression.  Of course there are traditional OCD medications as well (SSRIs) but not sure how they are prescribed in your country.  

[CrystalPepsi]

Thanks for your helpful answer JGF25. The problem is that this OCD has led me into a severe depression, my doctor has asigned me to go to a psychologist, but as I stated before I have to wait 2 more months. The problem about it, I can't wait two more months, it gets worse and worse every day, I have the feeling that I'm losing the fight against myself and my brain keeps telling me to kill myself. I personally have no interest in killing myself, as I love my life too much, despite the poop I had to go through being only 20 years old, but I think there are people with way harder problems.

This HOCD has caused me to lose interest in everything, every task in my life is pure willpower, I have to force myself to do things which I used to enjoy on my free will. For example going to the gym, I always loved it, now I have to force myself into it so I don't isolate myself from the outer world completely.

Your last statement really was helpful, because as I said after reading all the forums I have come to a conclusion that I must be a homosexual in denial, because those people in my opinion don't talk complete truth and want to harm people who are worried about being homosexual. They state that they have dated woman before and found them arousing and all of the sudden they became gay, in my opinion it is total ********, but if your mental health is weakend you start to believe what you read. So basically, I should just accept what my OCD is saying, accept that I'm gay, knowing I'm not and not be afraid that my interest in girls has suddenly decreased. See the thing is, I'm just afraid that I'm in an incurable state and that my life won't be the same ever again.

But I'm definetely going to see my doctor tomorrow again, maybe he can provide me some medicine that doesn't rely on placebo. Because I really am feeling more lonely and lonely and am really losing interest in my life, which is really sad.

[JGF25]

Hi there.   People that have a tendency toward OCD usually have problems when their stress level increases.  It could be that in the past you were able to let thoughts like this go more easily but now you can't.  

OCD is a mind game as you know.  It is a war with yourself.  

Your last statement tells me volumes " I mean if I was gay I would be fine with it, but I don't see a future with a man, as man always been my rolemodels and friends but I never had an emotional connection."  How could you be gay if you are not attracted to men?  The answer is you cannot.  

I write this all the time in that I think it is genetic.  When you get excited about a girl it just happens right?  There is no thinking about it.  That is because your heterosexuality is hardwired in your genetics.  People that are gay know it.  They respond without thinking to the same sex.  They may not come out until later in life but they knew.