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Avatar universal

Hocd !!??

I need some help.. For a 2ish months i have had a huge fear of being lesbian or bi. I really dont want to be and i know im not, i have always liked boys i have had many crushes on them NEVER ever on girls. i have always wanted guys and i love to flirt with them it makes me happy and feel good.but for about a month or two i have had this huge fear of being bi or lesbian  i am an 18 year old girl, and this causes me extreme anxiety i feel sick about the thought of being or having a crush on a female i only want guys i love guys always have. I remember my first crush in preschool on a boy, i have had many crushes and attractions to guys even now i have a crush on a boy! But during my puberty ages 12-16 i did watch porn sadly it was at first straight porn then I stumbled on lesbian porn(i hate myself) it aroused me... So occasionally i would watch it not all the time but once in a while but during this time i mainly fantasized about boys and hot guys also. Well i guess i got bored with the porn or it stopped interesting me and i stopped watching in all together and i dont have any desire to watch it any more, now if I masterbate (sorry to be gross) its to the thought of guys i have NEVER fantasized about girls though. I do not want to do anything with a girl ever , this is the worst anxiety it makes me nauseous my heart beats fast i have headaches i feel dizzy and depressed about this i am constantly searching this stuff up and found out about hocd i think and hope that this is what this is!

I have had obsessions or irrational thoughts since i was little, affraid to die in my sleep i thought about that for weeks i had anxiety i cried alot about it looking things up asking people if they think i will die staying up till the sun comes up because for some reason i thought if the sun came up i could sleep because i would not die
Fear of getting dementia again feared it for weeks i searched about it constantly asked reassurance constantly
Also feared going to hell and demons same type of deal i had to pray constantly things like that ...

Anyway now its this i dont know what triggerd it one day i was happy go lucky boy crazy now i live in constant fear and anxiety i hate it so much i dont want to be guy or bi i want to be my normal straight self !! I hate this so much i feel sick sweaty is this hocd am i guy or bi i know deep down im straight alwayshave been but my past porn things haunt me and i hate it i wish i didn't remember it i never liked girls ever and i have had many female friends and never felt anything i. Changed in girls locker rooms never felt anything ! I have only felt anything for guy and guys only! Please help me please i do not want to be gay or bi i know there is nothing wrong with it i am very supportive of the lgbt community. And my family is ery open and excepting so its not that i just know being gay or bi is not me it never was is this hocd please help me .... Sorry this is so long :(
4 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  You obviously have a history of irrational thinking.  Were you ever diagnosed with OCD?  "HOCD" is a thought that most people with OCD have.  It is probably the number one thought that people have actually.  I have had it myself.  What you need to realize is that it is no different than any of the other thoughts that you have had that didn't turn out to be true.  When we have OCD, we tend to think thoughts that are hard to get closure on because that is what everyone with OCD is looking for.  Closure on the thought so we can move on.  But what we do to ourselves is come up with things that are hard to disprove so to speak.  

My take on being gay is that it is based in our genetics.  We are born gay or we are not.  I often ask people to think about how their body reacts to, in your case, a guy.  When you see a good looking guy do you even have to think about it or does your body just react?  I  know mine does.  But women don't do that for me.  I may notice them if they are pretty or look good in their clothes but my body isn't reacting the same way it does when I see a good looking guy.  

The porn doesn't count because all porn is arousing...that is why they make it.  Hetero porn, gay porn, women with women, it doesn't matter....it is all made to be arousing.  

You need to learn more about OCD in general.  How you go about helping yourself.  Here is a good article to read.  
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0
1 Comments
"The porn doesn't count because all porn is arousing...that is why they make it.  Hetero porn, gay porn, women with women, it doesn't matter....it is all made to be arousing."

I never thought about it that way, but that is very true.  Excellent point.
Avatar universal
I have not been diagnosed with ocd i never thought my intense intrusive thoughts were part of ocd or anything really just my weird phases of fear i get once in a while idk .. I didnt really learn about ocd until this hocd thing .. But im affraid it will not be ocd and i just have to live like this. I have seen some things about erp and have been trying some self erp .. It has helped i have a lot more moments of clarity were i know who i sm straight and i can even think clearly about the porn that it was just me being a teen. In puberty it didnt mean anything. The self erp is hard somtimes because i have to trigger my anxiety and just let the thoughts be thoughts and let the anxiety burn. It is hard as i still have trouble lettung the fears go and i feel trapped but am able to pull myself out of the anxiety and fear faster. So i guess that is good. I habe a crush on a boy now and when i flirt i feel so normal and happy but my mind has been trying to make me think the crush is not real but i know that is irrational and i wont let myself not be happy and flirt. It is just hard i cry a lot and feel depressed but. I am trying to see work through it . Thank you for your comment to you have any other tips i am very big on my past and it is horrible .. Thank you
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is a good book to take a look at.  

Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by Christine Purdon

You are correct in that you do need to the let the thoughts burn themselves out.  When you take the fear out of the thought, it goes away.  
Avatar universal
I will try and get that book thank you. And yes it is helping a lot. I kust wish i could feel normal completely so i can move on with my life.. Thank you!
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