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Hocd confusion

I am making this post just to share my experience which feels like a compulsion but also my current therapist doesn’t seem to know anything about ocd.  I am a female and I’ve always been very attracted to men, I’ve had a lot of boyfriends and have always have had the dream of having a soulmate, starting a family etc. I’ve never in my day to day life felt attracted to a female or had a desire to try dating girls. I was diagnosed with obsessive thinking like 4 or 5 years ago when I sought out help for ocd about bathroom use.  About a month ago I had a trigger moment with my current boyfriend. We were watching a movie and there was a scene with two girls kissing and he asked me if I’ve ever made out with a girl and I felt my stomach turn and sink and since then hit such a low point of fear and depression and have been obsessing. The thing that confuses me so much is my own personal sexual pleasure because during puberty there was a lot of fear and shame and ocd mixed in. During puberty I was extremely insecure of my own body, dressed a little more “tomboy” and  started masturbating by secretly watching girls kiss and then lesbian porn but experienced ocd and even hand washing compulsions because I felt dirty and shameful about pleasure.  I went from puberty to age 25 just pleasuring myself watching lesbian porn and never even questioned it, and dated men and felt attracted to them but never really took control of my own pleasure, it’s always been about the guy. But now I am at a point in my life where I’m questioning my personal pleasure in a relationship and trying to examine my entire life and questions like “am I actually lesbian or bi and my whole life was just trying to get attention from men because of issues with my dad?”  “ why do I get aroused by lesbian porn, or did I actually develop hocd at a way younger age than I thought?” Some days I feel more at ease with the uncertainty and other days I’m stuck in the rumination and i worry are all these feelings just denial or not and I feel like I have lost my sense of self and am just trying to work on releasing shame and guilt and self acceptance but the ocd still lingers. Should I see someone who specializes in ocd? or a sex therapist? Would meds help?
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Avatar universal
I'm the only one who will say this to you, but I don't think HOCD is a thing.  It's a description of obsessive thinking about something that is a big problem in our society, but it isn't in itself a disease.  Now, you apparently do have or have had OCD, so you know there is a difference between actions and thoughts.  Everyone thinks.  Everyone has thoughts that are troubling.  The difference is when the thoughts we all have get in the way of living our lives and enjoying our lives.  But everyone who has a mental illness has obsessive thoughts, and so do lots of people who don't have what anyone would consider mental illness, such as people who work a ton of hours or people who keep wanting to make more and more money despite having more than they can ever spend.  So don't think about the label HOCD, just thinking one has something you can label can be troubling.  So what's the problem here?  Clearly, you describe someone who is attracted to women.  Can't help it, but if you've been masturbating to lesbian porn women having sex turn you on.  But that doesn't mean you're a lesbian, it means your creative thinking created that as a turn-on for you.  You say you're into men, but also seem to be saying that your relationships with them have left you feeling you're missing out on pleasure.  That's not uncommon, many people put much more emphasis on pleasing others than pleasing themselves when they're in a relationship when obviously a balance of both would be better.  Whether you are gay or bi or not depends ultimately on what you choose to do, not on what you choose to think.  If you keep turning to men for romance, you're neither gay nor bi.  If you do turn to women and find you enjoy that and it's fulfilling in ways being with men isn't, then yeah, you're gay.  If you like both, you're bi.  You won't really know until you actually try it, and if you really don't have that drive to actually try it it's just a fantasy, not your reality.  At bottom, being troubled by thinking one is gay or bi is due to centuries of religious repression of those who are, and that makes it scary even for those who know they are gay.  Because I don't think this is OCD but an anxiety disorder and a guilt reaction, I don't personally think someone who specializes in OCD would necessarily help you but those who do are generally specialists in all forms of anxiety treatment and so I do think someone who specializes in anxiety treatment would be of more help than a therapist who likes to sit and chat for years.  A sex therapist is for people who can't enjoy sex or can't perform, and that doesn't sound like you.  Mostly, if you could just leave yourself alone, and accept yourself whoever you turn out to be, you'd be over this, and if you're gay, fine, if you're bi, well, fine yeah but it is a difficult thing to be if you also want to love someone because bi people find it harder to stick with one person, but it can be done and lots of people don't want to stick with one person.  Not everyone gets married, settles down, and has kids.  Many very happy and productive people don't do this.  So ask yourself, do you want to have sex with men?  Do you like it?  Do you really think you'd prefer a woman?  If it's the latter, at some point if you want contentment you'll have to leave the judgementalism aside and be you and do it.  If that's just a mental turn-on and not an action you really want, that's okay too, you're not harming anyone by being turned on by women having sex.  Who isn't?  Peace.  
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