Hocd question??

[Bambie12]

I have a question how do I forget my past or let it go! I feel like its the only thing that is holding me back. Im not gonna re explain my story its basically the same as everother female hocd sufferers... I know im straight i do not want to be bi or lesbian i never was and i know that but my past with porn during puberty torments me and i know many people especially females who have watched porn and suffer with hocd have similar experiences as me. And i have been told on here already that porn is porn and it is ment to be arousing and anyway i was a kid in puberty my hormones were crazy! So why on gods green earth cant i get that through my head! I try to just let the thoughts be thoughts and let them go but it is so hard and i cant go to a therapist because i can't afford that right now.. I even tried coming out as bi to my family but it wasnt me and it made my anxiety 200 times worse and at the end of that conversation we concluded i was straight after my mom asked me a few questions and i knew and know i am straight i love men they make me happy! I have a huge crush on a guy now and he makes me smile and nervous in the best way but i cant fully enjoy it because of this.. Its not fair im 18 i should be enjoying my life amd my crush! Im so angry and depressed i have been thinking of suicide lately.. I cant live like this i cry every night.. The only thing i look forward to is flirting with that guy because when im near him i feel normal and happy and i look forward to sleep so i dont have to think but as soon as i wake up my heart pounds and i feel like throwing up. I feel no point if i cant forget this i wish id lose part of my memory.. Id rather have any of my other obsessions than this how can i move on i feel so alone i pray and beg god to help help me please i need advice on how to just let the past be the past...

[Bambie12]

I live in a very small town and we do not have a library and i cant really afford to buy it right now

[JGF25]

That's true....after a while of saying it it will become boring and you won't care anymore.  That is the true goal of anybody with an irrational thought disorder.  How come you can't get the book?  Did you check with your local library?  

[Bambie12]

I have not been able to get it and i have been trying to do the erp thing telling myself it might mean i am and there is nothing i can do about it. I was told to keep saying that and soon it will seem like a lie and i lt wont be a fearfull thought. And i do that every night. I just am finding it so scary at times. And iv been facing my fears with imaginal expursues and it has made me feel so sick like i need to puke. I am trying and through out the day if a thought pops up  i dont question it i let it come and go and it has helped. I just want to forget the past though so much

[JGF25]

Did you ever look at the book?