How do I handle my Scrupulosity?

[gobosox91]

I have OCD. I've also worried about if I were a genuine Red Sox and truly a Yankees fan, also that I was gay because of certain things that happened in my youth. And just prior to this, I obsessed for a good period of time over proving whether God exists or not.

I've posted this many times, but I feel so worried. Since I got involved in doctrinal Christianity, I've always worried that I'm not on God's side. I was fine until I became convinced God exists, and that was two years ago. I go from challenging people like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris to suddenly James White, John MacArthur and Dave Hunt. I finally care when somebody accuses me of believing a doctrine that contradicts the Bible.

In this time, I began to doubt if Jesus was the messiah, and if God created the world, and if it was satan? All because I took the Stephen Hawking quote one step further ("God did not create the universe" thing back in 2010). How do we know God was the creator? I remembered reading an article on CARM that believing Jesus got His Powers from the devil was Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and unforgivable. Suddenly, I start having a panic attack. I start praying to the Holy Spirit, asking Him to help me, but I stress over this non stop.

In this time, I watched a movie in which the characters confront an evil spiritual figure, and I decide to pray along with the characters, like an exorcism, and I remembered reading some anti-Catholic website say that Catholics pray to satan, and me being the pushover that I am, I think: Okay! I pray to satan! Dear satan...

WHAT?!

Suddenly I get sucked in! I can't get out of it. The subject comes about and I feel something inside me pulling me towards it, like when Frodo is tempted to put on the Ring in The Lord of the Rings movies, and he has no control. I started to pray, and I could not say God or Lord, because I thought: Oh, I could mean satan as my god when I say God, or satan could be my lord when I say Lord... All the ambiguity, it just killed me! It still does!

I then remember I saw the prequel to The Exorcist... on a side note: don't watch it, it's a pretty bad movie, no quality at all... and there's a scene when the younger Father Merrin is tempted to go back into the past via the devil and fix something, and it seems like he gives into the temptation, and suddenly I'm saying yes to that. Then I dreamed that I said yes in a deal to sell my soul to the devil.

This doesn't stop. My mind kept going at it all day and all night, and I never had any rest. I only felt calm when I spoke about the theology, and finally it made sense. But then I'd go back to thinking about it and suddenly I'm doubting again.

I wallow in my despair, like, I'm being tortured to death. I could not eat or swallow anything because every time I did so, I felt like I was relaxing, and I would suddenly start thinking satan is lord, I give my soul to you... Even as I write this, I feel something happening. And one evening I'm laying in bed, and suddenly a temptation arises about selling my soul for the return of my heterosexuality. I had convinced myself I was gay because I lacked sexual experience, and if you want further information, please message me about it. I was so upset and convinced I was beyond hope that I said: **** it, satan. Take my soul. I don't care anymore. At least I should have fun before I go to hell when I have no more hope. And whaddya know? Within a short period of time, I'm finding girls attractive again!

I soon regret it, and I beg God for my soul back. But I keep doubting God. I kept doubting Jesus was the messiah, and I couldn't do anything. But I also start praying to satan for other things, and once again, I can't fight it.

I eventually went home from school around the midway point of February, and my parents discovered the hell that I was in, and they wouldn't send me back to college. I refused to drink a glass of water because I kept on saying yes to the devil every time I drank it, and I kept on imagining that I was accepting something from the devil. It was hell. I tried to pray to Jesus, but every time I thought of Him, I'd see two horns appearing on the head, or I'd picture the devil from the movie The Passion (this also happened with the sexual thing, whenever I tried to picture myself with a girl in my head, she'd change into a guy, making me think that I was ultimately gay). I kept on tracing names and pictures of holy things on bare tables to try to combat these thoughts...I lost several pounds during this period, and my mother sobbed her eyes out non stop, calling me selfish for not thinking about my family.

I tried to ignore everything, and one day, the doubts came to my head and I just did nothing. Suddenly I felt something like it was overtaking my thought process, like something literally took over my brain, and I no longer control it. Then I tried to exorcise myself, and suddenly I felt this cold wind rush through me, taking me by surprise... was this the devil?

I try to pray now, but I can't do it. I either lose focus, start getting sleepy, and I'm just not able to do it. Shrinks have said that this is all mental, but I'm just so worried. I just keep saying the Jesus prayer every time I pray to satan. I want to stop, like I want God to build a wall between myself and the devil so I can never go to him again.

What do I do?

[dc1974]

I also suffer from Religious Scrupulosity.  The things you've described are experienced by so many Christians - but nobody talks about it.  

As I've worked through my Scrupulosity, I have come to some conclusions:

1.  Jesus is smart.  He is not shocked or surprised that my mind works the way it does.  I have a 'brain glitch' - a mental illness that I cannot help - and Jesus sees it as just that: a brain glitch.  

2.  God will not punish me for for something I cannot help.  A diabetic cannot help their condition - neither can a cancer patient - and neither can you or I.  God knew before He created me that my mind would not work well, but He also knew that my heart would want Him.  God gives me the desires of my heart - not the fears from my brain.

3.  Sometimes I get to the point where I feel peace and I just know that I have not committed the unpardonable sin.  But then my mind plays tricks on me and says "How do you know that Satan is not just letting you feel safe right now - and that you're really going to Hell?"  ... but then I remember: the Bible says that Satan is a liar and deceiver.  He does not want me to feel good.  On the other hand, God is a comforter.  If Satan has truly won, and I'm Hell-bound, he would not have any reason to keep me feeling 'safe'.  Therefore, that is PROOF that I am God's... the peace I feel can only come from God because God is the only one who gives peace.

Try redirecting your mind.  One lady said that when her thoughts start up she pictures a stop sign.  Other people picture a brick wall.

I can go into more detail of my battle against religious OCD if you want.  I'll pray for you.  God loves you - he is not surprised by what goes through your mind.  Just remember that your heart is not your mind.  God is more interested in what your spirit desires - what naturally comes from your heart... not all of the crazy, scary thoughts in your head.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Well I have to agree with your therapist and that this is all mental.  We like control and when we can't control things in our lives, we flip out about it.  Our minds come up with things that we have a hard time finding closure on a lot of times and then we get stuck trying to "logically" think through the scenario and try to prove or disprove the thought when in fact it is an illogical thought and how would we ever prove that?  At some point you have to say "ENOUGH OF THIS TORTURE."  When you stop fighting, the thought goes away.  I know it is hard to get to that point.  

You see we were brought up with religious beliefs from early on in life that we just accepted as true.  Now that we are older, we wonder whether these things are true or not.  Was the bible just a story that somebody made up years ago?  Who knows.  There is no way to prove any of this stuff.  So what can you do?  Well you just give it up and say "whatever is going to be is going to be."  Instead of thinking about God and the Devil, why not think about the fact that there is something on the other side but we don't really know what it is and since we can't open a door and get a peek, then we just have to go with the flow.  I have decided it doesn't really matter.  I live my life as the best person I can be and when I get to wherever I go, I will finally know but until then I am wasting my time trying to figure out something that can't be figured out.  

Stephen Hawking believes in the Big Bang Theory as far as the creation of the universe.  He doesn't think God made everything in 7 days.  Well as a scientist, I can see where Dr. Hawking is coming from BUT how does he know for sure that there isn't a creator?  Did he go to the other side and see for himself?  No.  Did he pray to God and not get an answer and said "see there must not be one."  Who knows.  This is one man's belief.  

When you say black your mind is saying white.  When you say God your mind is saying devil.  You think that because you think a certain thought that it is going to come true. This is the fictional world that you have created for yourself.  And what you need to do is get back to the real world.  The one where we have to say "I CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING."