Aa
I need someone to help me through a series of "incidents" that just happened
I am at work right now. Completely locked up in fear, despite the HUGE workload that I'm behind on (some my fault from missing work due to OCD related episodes, some just because the management here is horrible).
I managed to get out of the house today only mildly late, I had to do all my checking of power sockets, stove, front door, but I did it, I said I did it out loud to myself that it was done and I just drove away and swallowed the urge to go back.
I felt like this morning can be good...
I take Adderall for ADD, and that has been helping me not be so scattered, and has given me some amazing quality of life back, in certain aspects.
I took my Adderall before I left. I wait about an hour after that to take my morning dose of Clonozepam, So I put it in a plastic container, along with my afternoon dose of adderall, close it, and wrap it in paper towels and put it in my pocket to help "protect" it. About an hour after getting to work I usually go to the wash room and wash my hands and get my meds out of my pocket and take them. I do this all very strategically because I get very nervous about my work. I have to use a fingerprint scan to clock in, my desk is constantly covered in papers given to me from 50 different people. Basically, a contamination OCD nightmare of a job. But I've been dealing, working around things, to do what I need to do here.
However... the incident this morning has put me in a state of frozen fear.
On the way to work this morning I noticed that there are three big smeared stains on my pants, the right side, on the outside of the pocket that I put my "protected" meds in. I only wore these pants for about two hours last night to drive to my parents house to pick something up, and then got home and took them off. I have no idea what this stain is. It is a brownish, reddish, stain with some white maybe, just really gross stuff. I did not eat while wearing these, I have no idea what this is. My mind is going to dark places about what could have happened. So I get to work, freaking, have to finger punch in, which means i have to wash my hands right after, which i did, So frazzled, I leave the restroom and head to my office area, there is a door there that leads into the area where my cubicle is. I hope every day that it is open, when its not i use a wipe (which i have none of today) to open it. Today it was barely open. Frazzled from these stains, I tried to squeeze in through the door, instead of opening it more with my foot (now im beating myself up over this) and the door knob, which i avoid at all costs, rubs up against the front my pants in the crotch area and belly area of my shirt.
All hell is now breaking loose in my mind. After this, a coworker who I despise because he's very rude to me. Sees I still have wet hands and says " i got paper towels if ya need em buddy!!" so impulsively feeling embarassed I wiped my hand dry on the front of my shirt, where the door knob rubbed. So now I feel completely contaminated.
I should be working right now and I am not. I have pills in my pocket that I feel like I can not safely get out to take because of the stains surrounding the area of the pocket. I want to burn my clothes and take a shower. But I'm sitting here at my desk reaching out to nobody. Someone please walk me through this. I feel like I contaminated my whole desk from the doorknob rubbing shirt/pants, then drying hands in that area, then touching my keyboard and stuff (which I had to do because I couldnt go run back and wash my hands because this douchey coworker was talking to me)...
I am completely stuck here. I feel like all I can do is accept that I am doomed. Sit here and not take my medicine, not eat the granola bar i brought for lunch (also wrapped in paper towel in the "contaminated" pocket). And just sit and hope that this unknown stain doesn't get in through my pants and seep in my leg. I wanna go wash my hands on my 10am break but then come back to a "contaminated" keyboard and mouse and desk.
Completely frozen.
I managed to get out of the house today only mildly late, I had to do all my checking of power sockets, stove, front door, but I did it, I said I did it out loud to myself that it was done and I just drove away and swallowed the urge to go back.
I felt like this morning can be good...
I take Adderall for ADD, and that has been helping me not be so scattered, and has given me some amazing quality of life back, in certain aspects.
I took my Adderall before I left. I wait about an hour after that to take my morning dose of Clonozepam, So I put it in a plastic container, along with my afternoon dose of adderall, close it, and wrap it in paper towels and put it in my pocket to help "protect" it. About an hour after getting to work I usually go to the wash room and wash my hands and get my meds out of my pocket and take them. I do this all very strategically because I get very nervous about my work. I have to use a fingerprint scan to clock in, my desk is constantly covered in papers given to me from 50 different people. Basically, a contamination OCD nightmare of a job. But I've been dealing, working around things, to do what I need to do here.
However... the incident this morning has put me in a state of frozen fear.
On the way to work this morning I noticed that there are three big smeared stains on my pants, the right side, on the outside of the pocket that I put my "protected" meds in. I only wore these pants for about two hours last night to drive to my parents house to pick something up, and then got home and took them off. I have no idea what this stain is. It is a brownish, reddish, stain with some white maybe, just really gross stuff. I did not eat while wearing these, I have no idea what this is. My mind is going to dark places about what could have happened. So I get to work, freaking, have to finger punch in, which means i have to wash my hands right after, which i did, So frazzled, I leave the restroom and head to my office area, there is a door there that leads into the area where my cubicle is. I hope every day that it is open, when its not i use a wipe (which i have none of today) to open it. Today it was barely open. Frazzled from these stains, I tried to squeeze in through the door, instead of opening it more with my foot (now im beating myself up over this) and the door knob, which i avoid at all costs, rubs up against the front my pants in the crotch area and belly area of my shirt.
All hell is now breaking loose in my mind. After this, a coworker who I despise because he's very rude to me. Sees I still have wet hands and says " i got paper towels if ya need em buddy!!" so impulsively feeling embarassed I wiped my hand dry on the front of my shirt, where the door knob rubbed. So now I feel completely contaminated.
I should be working right now and I am not. I have pills in my pocket that I feel like I can not safely get out to take because of the stains surrounding the area of the pocket. I want to burn my clothes and take a shower. But I'm sitting here at my desk reaching out to nobody. Someone please walk me through this. I feel like I contaminated my whole desk from the doorknob rubbing shirt/pants, then drying hands in that area, then touching my keyboard and stuff (which I had to do because I couldnt go run back and wash my hands because this douchey coworker was talking to me)...
I am completely stuck here. I feel like all I can do is accept that I am doomed. Sit here and not take my medicine, not eat the granola bar i brought for lunch (also wrapped in paper towel in the "contaminated" pocket). And just sit and hope that this unknown stain doesn't get in through my pants and seep in my leg. I wanna go wash my hands on my 10am break but then come back to a "contaminated" keyboard and mouse and desk.
Completely frozen.
Well said by JGF. Reassurance is temporary, and the more you seek it, the more it keeps you stuck in the cycle of anxious thinking. ACTUALLY, seeking reassurance can become an obsessive compulsion in and of itself.
You really need to work with your therapist, and consider a medication. Like JG said, you're in crisis mode and are barely getting by. You're not living.
What about an inpatient hospitalization, to get you started on a medication and get you some intensive therapy that you really need?
You really need to work with your therapist, and consider a medication. Like JG said, you're in crisis mode and are barely getting by. You're not living.
What about an inpatient hospitalization, to get you started on a medication and get you some intensive therapy that you really need?
We all look for closure to the thoughts we are having...you have achieved that...until the next time. That is what I'm trying to point out to you. Reassurance from me is going to make you feel better for just a little while and then you will be back at it. The reassurance you got from "cleaning" is going to work until the next time. There will always be a next time until you change something in a more profound way. I feel for you, I really do because I have been there and I hate the fact that you are just coping with your closure seeking.
Just an update to anyone who cares...
Lunch hour consisted of me running to target, getting wet ones, doing "surgery" to remove and decontaminate my pill container, and get my medicine in me. So at least now I am not full of dread, still obsessing that it could have been contaminated, but not feeling the physical anxiety.
I know you probably don't care that I "succeeded" in getting my "fix" to the "issue", as you are more concerned with me being on the right kind of meds to prevent thoughts like these from taking over in the first place.
But as I feel a lot calmer, I just figured I'd share.
Lunch hour consisted of me running to target, getting wet ones, doing "surgery" to remove and decontaminate my pill container, and get my medicine in me. So at least now I am not full of dread, still obsessing that it could have been contaminated, but not feeling the physical anxiety.
I know you probably don't care that I "succeeded" in getting my "fix" to the "issue", as you are more concerned with me being on the right kind of meds to prevent thoughts like these from taking over in the first place.
But as I feel a lot calmer, I just figured I'd share.
I have OCD and I take it and it works well. Yes my doctor was wondering if it would work for me and it does.
From how-stuff works:
Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRI)
These drugs were introduced in the mid-1990s and block the reuptake of both serotonin and norepinephrine by binding to the transporters of these neurotransmitters on the presynaptic cell. SNRIs include:
bupropion (WellbutrinTM) -- blocks dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake as well
duloxetine (CymbaltaTM)
venlafaxine (EffexorTM)
The side effects of these drugs are similar to, but less than, those of SSRIs. Bupropion and duloxetine, in particular, have minimal side effects in the areas of sexual dysfunction and weight gain.
Pick up The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. If you cannot see a psych doc then get this workbook and commit to doing the exercises and getting better.
From how-stuff works:
Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRI)
These drugs were introduced in the mid-1990s and block the reuptake of both serotonin and norepinephrine by binding to the transporters of these neurotransmitters on the presynaptic cell. SNRIs include:
bupropion (WellbutrinTM) -- blocks dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake as well
duloxetine (CymbaltaTM)
venlafaxine (EffexorTM)
The side effects of these drugs are similar to, but less than, those of SSRIs. Bupropion and duloxetine, in particular, have minimal side effects in the areas of sexual dysfunction and weight gain.
Pick up The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. If you cannot see a psych doc then get this workbook and commit to doing the exercises and getting better.
This is just horrible because I know the meds in my pocket would help, but I feel there is no way to get them out and take them without them becoming contaminated. I am trapped. Just going to try my hardest to focus on the work at least the adderall helps that, too bad my second dose is in there so the second half of the day will be complete chaos.
I had asked about wellbutrin and he said it wouldnt work for the OCD because it effects dopamine?
I also just went there a week ago and I have no insurance. So i can only afford to see him once a month.
I also just went there a week ago and I have no insurance. So i can only afford to see him once a month.
You my friend are in crisis mode and there is only one way to get out of it. You need to make a therapy appointment right away. Get in there and talk about meds like I mentioned in the other post. I know you are afraid but honestly this is no way to live and there is no reason for you to live this way.
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