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I thought I was getting better

Hey I'm a 20 years old female , I have had hocd for a year now, for the first 3/4 months I had fears that I was gay, I started fearing I was gay after watching a movie with a gay person in it. I was googling everyday reassuring myself that I was straight, I've lost weight stopped eating, I was literally going crazy my anxiety was worse than ever never felt so scared in my life, never. One day I was reading something online about hocd, and a woman claimed that she had hocd and she turned out to be bi sexual, that gave me a really bad panic attack, I started throwing up waking around the house at night to try to calm myself down, I was shaking and couldn't get back to sleep, I was so anxious I couldn't eat, and when I did I puked it all out. What really scares me is that what if I can't accept my sexuality and I really am bi, I honestly don't want to have anything to do with women :( but I'm scraRd I might be in denial and hocd is just a cover up, something I have suicidal thoughts, but  don't want to hurt my family if I die :(, it's so depressing I really dotn what to be, it's really stressing me out and makes me really depressed I cry all the time can't can't enjoy my boyfriend. What scares me the most is that just before my hocd started I had 2 gay fantasys while having sex with my boyfriend, I've always been satisfied sexually, I coils always reach an orgasm with my boyfriend, there was nothing missing, but that day I just couldn't climax and I had to think of something taboo and disgusting, to reach an orgasm m:( if I'm straight why did I do that I'm so sooo scraRd that, that was a sign of be turning bi or being bi, I dotn want to be bi I feel uncomfortable thinking that I might be, I can't stop googling I keep googling and finding out that people can turn bi later in life nothing:( I' am so scraRd and depressed I feel so jealous of my friends because I used to be as happy as they are now I can't even hang round with my female friends, in case I might want to have sex with them, in scared that I might be sexually attracted to females but I don't want to be, I dotn want to have anything to do with girls I really don't. I tried accepting that I might be bi but I just can't I freak out me cry. Oh God I want this to end, and if I am, I'll have no other choice but to commit suicide, but I don't want to die :(  
3 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
STOP GOOGLING!  Google is not the friend of a person with OCD.  We will skip over the stuff that says "people don't wake up and become gay" and key in on the stuff that says "oh this girl decided she was bi or gay."  You will find what you are looking for and it will only feed the cycle of OCD.  

Remind me again what you have done as far as treatment goes?  You said you were feeling better at one point?  What were you doing differently then that you are not doing now?  
Avatar universal
I finished my therphy and I have no one to reassure me again, I was doing good until I started googling stories ages and now I'm back at square one, I have anxiety attacks everyday now, thank you for your respond means a lot
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Part of therapy is learning not to lean on reassurance.  Pick up whatever therapy they taught you and start practicing it and stay away from the internet searches.  Remember, if you got better before then you can always get better.  
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