Hey I'm a 20 years old female , I have had hocd for a year now, for the first 3/4 months I had fears that I was gay, I started fearing I was gay after watching a movie with a gay person in it. I was googling everyday reassuring myself that I was straight, I've lost weight stopped eating, I was literally going crazy my anxiety was worse than ever never felt so scared in my life, never. One day I was reading something online about hocd, and a woman claimed that she had hocd and she turned out to be bi sexual, that gave me a really bad panic attack, I started throwing up waking around the house at night to try to calm myself down, I was shaking and couldn't get back to sleep, I was so anxious I couldn't eat, and when I did I puked it all out. What really scares me is that what if I can't accept my sexuality and I really am bi, I honestly don't want to have anything to do with women :( but I'm scraRd I might be in denial and hocd is just a cover up, something I have suicidal thoughts, but don't want to hurt my family if I die :(, it's so depressing I really dotn what to be, it's really stressing me out and makes me really depressed I cry all the time can't can't enjoy my boyfriend. What scares me the most is that just before my hocd started I had 2 gay fantasys while having sex with my boyfriend, I've always been satisfied sexually, I coils always reach an orgasm with my boyfriend, there was nothing missing, but that day I just couldn't climax and I had to think of something taboo and disgusting, to reach an orgasm m:( if I'm straight why did I do that I'm so sooo scraRd that, that was a sign of be turning bi or being bi, I dotn want to be bi I feel uncomfortable thinking that I might be, I can't stop googling I keep googling and finding out that people can turn bi later in life nothing:( I' am so scraRd and depressed I feel so jealous of my friends because I used to be as happy as they are now I can't even hang round with my female friends, in case I might want to have sex with them, in scared that I might be sexually attracted to females but I don't want to be, I dotn want to have anything to do with girls I really don't. I tried accepting that I might be bi but I just can't I freak out me cry. Oh God I want this to end, and if I am, I'll have no other choice but to commit suicide, but I don't want to die :(