Have you ever looked up purely obsessional OCD? Or hocd? It takes quite a bit out of you, mentally speaking. Cognitive therapy does help, and so does medicine. Just hold on, and try cbt
u dont need to go hospital, because u know these thoughts are irrational, ur on the waiting list of cbt so ur going to have treatment in coming days.from what i can see u have severe ocd and it has also caused depression also.
first thing to do never harm or punish urself, its not ur fault that u have ocd, it is due to genetics,biology.
for ocd what u can do is in the time u get treatment from a professional u can purchase a self help book for ocd and start doing exercises, it will increase ur confidence and reduce depression also. i have taken help from overcoming obsessive thoughts from david A. clark .
regarding depression it is due to ocd , and as ur ocd gets better u will be free from depression also, but what can u do is make a timetable, wake up early in morning , do exercises, do some work, go outside ur home daily for a outing, do things which u like may be ur hobbies and sleep early, these things will ease out depression, u can try meditation, breathing techniques and mindfulness also.
maybe I'll be without hospital*