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Is this even ocd anymore??

Hello everyone. I am new to this site, but unfortunately I am not new to ocd. Ocd has plagued my entire life, and unfortunately that is something that I have just now realized. I’ve been living with terrible anxiety my whole 21 years of existence. I’m so scared right now I don’t even know where to begin. I have had many themes that have plagued me, but the one I am going through now has been the worst. I have been dealing with hocd for almost an entire year now. This whole entire year has been wasted. It’s started off worse than it is now. But I feel like I am starting to spiral again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I was feeling better. I’ve been going to counseling which has helped but unfortunately with my busy schedule I have not been able to go for a while. I knew this was ocd. I was starting to feel better. But I have this constant doubt feeling that I live with 24/7. I have moments when it’s worse but I am always able to talk myself out of it and calm down. But today it’s been really bad. I have used forums like this before. I even found one that I really liked. I was able to talk to some people on there and we have really been able to help each other when we have bad moments. But today when I went to go on the website was down and now I can’t talk to anyone. I felt like I was alone again and that scared me too. I always knew I had that site it my back pocket and today seeing how much I freaked out when I knew I couldn’t get to it scared the crap out of me. I’ve been depending on these sites for so long I can’t get on with out them. Today what scared me was I was reading a story. And unfortunately through my ocd journey it has ruined anything I enjoy. I get intrusive thoughts everywhere I go. I’m constantly checking, analyzing, and debating this stupid hocd theme. I have been straight my entire life. I loved the way boys made me feel. I have had hocd before but I can’t remember the last time I went through it how relieved I felt when I realized that it wasn’t true. I can give you the exact moment in time where I was and even what I was wearing when it finally clicked that I didn’t want these thoughts. But unfortunately it has crawled it’s way back into my brain ruining my life yet again. Anyways I was reading this story and there was a point in the book when these 2 people became best friends and they went shopping together. The whole time I was reading my mind kept making me think about them doing sexual things and I almost had no anxiety but I felt so foreign and weird. I have this heavy feeling in my heart and I hate it, but then I had a thought like I was one of the friends and it made my heart ache. I felt like I wasn’t repulsed by the sexual images or thoughts and it makes my heart ache tremendously. It makes me feel like this is a desire or something because I didn’t feel repulsed like I used to. As a teenager and a young adult these things always made me feel uncomfortable and I knew I had no desire for it. I can remember thinking of the way guys made me feel and feeling so great about how happy I was feeling. But today when I thought about it, I didn’t feel repulsed or uncomfortable, but I started feeling this really hot and panic/burning sensation in my neck and chest and a terrible heavy ache in my heart. I also had a panic feeling and I hated it. But my mind made it feel like it was because I just desired it. It was like the thought wasn’t intrusive or something like I made myself think about it and now I just feel this numb ache inside of me. I can’t figure out if I want to cry scream or stare into space. I feel so lost. It felt so real like I would actually do these things. I’ve never wanted this before. Why does my mind make me feel like I do now. Please someone tell me this is just my ocd. I don’t know how much longer I can’t take of feeling like this. I don’t want it to be true but my mind keeps making me feel like I’m lying to myself. It keeps fighting every time I think of a guy saying things like “that could be a girl too” or “you could like a girl like that too” and it almost feels true and then I don’t get the instant anxiety and the numb feeling occurred like I could imagine it snd it could be true. Please somebody help me. I simply cannot keep going on like this. Anytime I think a girl is pretty my mind always has them in my thoughts making me dwell and analyze every single thing about why I felt they were pretty. When just a year ago I wouldn’t have gave 2 craps about it. I crushed on boys and always have. Now it’s like I can’t even distinguish attraction from comfort or certain feelings from others, everything feel the same and nothing is uncomfortable anymore. So someone please tell me this is all just ocd and I’m experience all of the false attraction and feelings I keep reading about. My heart aches all of the time and is so heavy all of the time. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I cannot go on feeling like this anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Please help.
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Avatar universal
Also I’m really scared because now I feel like I’m overthinking anytime I thought a girl was really pretty. It feels like I only thought certain girls who all had similar features were prettier than others, but I never felt any attraction or anything but now my mind is making me feel like I did snd just didn’t realize it. But wouldn’t I have realized something like this years ago?? When I started feeling attraction to guys at a young age? I’m freaking out because I feel like I’m specializing all of my thoughts and picturing all of these sexual things now. My mind keeps telling me that I want these things and that I could actually picture them. But all I feel in the heavy feeling and great anxiety. I feel like I don’t feel repulsed by these thoughts anymore but I feel this terrible ache whenever I think of them that makes my want to cry. I get an extreme panic and terrible feeling. Similar to a feeling you get when you know you’ve don’t something wrong. Like when you get pulled over or get caught doing something wrong. Almost like a terrible guilty feeling but not guilt more like panic. And now my heart physically hurts. It feels like that was attraction now and I hate that. It makes my heart ache so much to the point where I could cry. Oh god I hate this. Someone please tell me that this is just my ocd. I’m so scared I might be bi and I don’t want that. Thinking about having to accept that makes my heart ache extremely. I’ve never felt sexually attracted to a women or attracted at all. So why is my brain making me feel like I am or have been before and just didn’t know it or something. It’s all starting to feel real again someone please tell me this is all just ocd
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*sexualizing not specializing
Avatar universal
First, you're really not describing OCD, you're describing a phobia about being gay.  I say this all the time.  My fear is that people look on Google and see this HOCD thing, but know that there are tons of diagnoses drug companies and docs use for different reasons but when you use them on yourself, you can define yourself by it.  Why this is important is because therapy for OCD is quite different than therapy for a phobia.  You also describe feeling scared all the time, which if it's about things other than this phobia about being gay and is about lots of things, that's called GAD, but again, not OCD.  Okay, others on here will disagree with me on this but it happens on this site all the time and because it affects how you see yourself and what type of therapy would work best, I bring it up.  So no, it's not "just" OCD, but it is anxiety.  Every single person who has depression or anxiety only has it because of intrusive thoughts.  If we weren't thinking anxious or depressed thoughts we wouldn't be anxious or depressed.  That doesn't mean it's easy to stop doing it, because it's not.  Nobody knows why some humans get this way.  In therapy, you should be being taught relaxation techniques and tackling head on ways of changing the way you think.  If all you're doing is talking and no pressure is being put on you to do anything, the therapy probably won't fix it.  Okay, the fear of being gay is very common.  Most of us get this feeling that we're gay at some point when we're young because sexual relationships are really hard and bring out insecurity, especially because they usually end really painfully.  So we think what might be wrong with us, and the idea we might be gay can come up.  That's one way it can arise.  But the main reason we fear it and get so bothered by it is the generations now of repression of gay people have made it seem like an awful thing to be gay.  Historically, this wasn't always true, but it has been for centuries and it's hard to break out of that way of thinking especially when the religious groups that developed this anti-gay bias are still with us.  If you really are either gay or bisexual, so what?  Doesn't really matter objectively, only matters judgmentally.  If you're not gay, again, so what?  It won't make your life perfect.  We are what we are.  You sound completely heterosexual, but there's nothing to rejoice in that, it just is.  If you can stop feeling like being gay would be a horrible thing to be, you will demystify these thoughts and they'll stop being so problematic.  Then it's just a question of who you want to have sex with, right?  And again, that question seems to have been answered by your actions, which have been heterosexual.  Heterosexual people can find members of the same sex to be attractive.  The test is, do you want to have a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex?  If you do and have, that's your answer.  If you really don't and haven't, that's also your answer.  Now, that's objective stuff, and mental illness isn't objective.  It's how you're thinking.  You have a big fat phobia and you need to see someone who knows how to treat phobias and help you get over it.  Peace.
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This all makes a lot of sense, and thank you for your response. I have been diagnosed with ocd by 2 different professionals, but saying that I also have a phobia I guess makes sense too. I think it’s that constant doubt that bothers me the most. My psychiatrist told me that was probably the ocd but idk. I’ve always been supportive of the lgbtq community. I have a few friends who are a part of it and I love and support them so much. I guess I’m just bothered too because I Never even thought of myself as this. Before all of this happened I didn’t even think twice to if this could be me. Yes I have struggled with this type of anxiety before, and I did linger here and there but the thoughts always felt intrusive and I always knew deep down I did not want these things. Thinking an fantasizing about guys always made me so happy, I had no desire to think of anything else.  When you put it plainly like you did, asking those 2 basic questions, my answer right away was no. I don’t want to hav sexual relations with the same sex. I’ve never in my life even considered it. But now I feel like I have to start checking myself again. Thinking of scenarios the check my response and my reaction, the doubt feeling sets up again and I hate that. I feel like I need to research more and read articles again just do I an find even just a sliver of reassurance. It all always makes it worse in the end. Today I feel like I keep having thoughts and urge feelings towards my friends who I never in my life wanted these things before. And my brain just kept saying “who cares just do what you want and be happy”. And for a minute it almost felt as if I believed it and wanted these things. But then the anxiety kicked in the heavy dread feeling came over me and when I really thought about it my heart aches because I don’t want this. I know this cannot be true. But my mind keeps saying this stuff to make it feel as if it is and I hate it. I’m so tired I feel as if I don’t even care anymore but I do care. Any time I try and get myself to just admit this could be what I want, I feel this great heavy feeling and a terrible not in my stomach. It doesn’t feel right. But my brain keeps telling me it must be and I hate it. My brain keeps making me think of these things trying to get me to be okay with it, when all I feel is heart ache. I hate that I have these thoughts about my friends. I’ve been friends with them for years and never once thought these things before. But now my brain makes me feel like I could actually want these things and it feels like maybe I could by then my heart aches tremendously. It aches so much I can barely function half of the time. I hate all of this. I just want it to stop.
I have never once in my life saw a girl and thought “wow she’s pretty I want to date her” or “she’s attractive I want to have sex with her” I’ve only ever felt these kinds of emotions towards men. And I was so happy then. Not because I was one way or the other but because I love being attracted to men. It makes me happy and they give me butterflies and make me feel giddy when they show affection towards me. But then all other aspects of my life make me ver think everything. Like how I prefer sports over shopping, I have for friends that are guys instead of girls.  I enjoy having out with the guys, my friends group always laughs and says I really am just “one of the guys”. I do love being girly sometimes, getting dressed up, going shopping once in a while, doing my hair and makeup. But I’d least prefer it’s throwing on a giant t-shirt and drinking a beer while watching the game with my guy friends and arguing with them about who’s team has the best stats (MEN DON’T OWN SPORTS!) lol. But all of this makes my mind tell me all of this crazy **** that I never in my life wanted before. Or even now. My mind tells me that all of this is proof that this is all true or something. And I HATE it. Now my mind tells e I do feel these things now and it almost feels as if I do. I hate that. It tells me my whole life has been a lie and that I’ve just been denying these things ever since I was a child when I know for a fact that cannot be true because I can remember all of my crushes snd non of them where girls. Even thinking that or writing that one could’ve been a girl makes me feel wrong. But now my mind makes me feel like I want these things now. And that heavy feeling and gross feeling in my stomach I feel is because I know it’s true and just won’t accept it. I hate that. I don’t like the person I have become since all of this started. When it first began it was debilitating. I couldn’t eat sleep or focus on anything. I damn near almost failed out of college and I have always been a straight at student. This is not like me. Unfortunately all of that anxiety is still there but I’ve learned to function with the feelings. And I hate that too. I’ve learned to function and act okay when I am 100% about the have a mental breakdown. I’ve turned to alcohol for some relief but it always makes me feel worse the next day. It gets ride of the anxiety for a few hours but then I wake up and the anxiety is even stronger and more debilitating. I tell my friends I’m hungover snd stay in my room but really I can’t get it if bed because of the anxiety. It’s always been boys for me. But now my mind keeps saying “that could be a girl” whenever I fantasize about a guy and it feels like it could be true. Then I feel so much anxiety and dread because it feels like it could be true. My heart begins to ache and all I can think about doing is crying. Rn I’m currently in the middle of taking an exam, a pretty important one I might add, and all I can think about is this ****. I know ocd is a serious of a obsessive behaviors that or caused by irrational fears or intrusive thoughts. But why cat my brain accept that anymore. I really need to see my therapist but I can’t even bring myself to call her because I hate bringing it all up again. She is a specialist so she is supposed to help retrain my way of thinking. But I literally can’t even bring myself to schedule another appt. it’s been months since I last saw her. I feel like she’s probably just given up and thinks I’ve been rude to not schedule anything. She’s so nice snd has honestly been the best therapist I’ve seen. But I just cannot bring myself to make an appt anymore and I don’t know why. I feel as if I will never feel happy anymore. I have always had anxiety and ocd throughout my whole life, but I feel as if I won’t ever be able to move past this. I don’t want to deal with this anymore and I want to just forget about it but I can’t. It makes my heart ache so much. I just want this to end so I can be happy again. My brain says the only way that will happen is if I accept that this is all true but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want that at all. I feel as if I’m living in someone else’s body. Or that someone else has taken over mine.
Avatar universal
Like for a minute I will start to feel better and happy again and then my brain says “that’s right it’s because you like these things and have accepted them and know you want them” but then I start feeling terrible and panicked all over again and feel as if I could have a panic attack. It feels like my brain a true snd hat all of these intrusive thoughts are things that I want and I hate that. My mind says that the only way I will know is if I try and I hate that. It makes me feel a huge deal of anxiety. Something that I never felt with guys. It was so easy and natural being and feeling attracted to guys. It feels as if my brain is trying to convince me that this is who I am and it’s starting to feel all to real. Your sexuality just doesn’t change like that. I’ve known I have been straight for a very long time. You don’t just suddenly change at the age of 21. So please tell me now why it feels as if I could actually want these things. It really makes me want to rust into tears. I really cannot deal with all of this anymore. My heart feels so heavy all of the time I cannot take it. I have this constant nagging feeling in my chest that makes it feel like this is what I desire or want but all I feel is anxiety and I hate it. I want to feel like my normal self again. But my mind keeps making me feel like these things are what I want and all it does is cause tremendous heart ache. Please tell me this all is not real
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And just right now I was dropping off something at my friends house snd she looked pretty and my mind said “you want to **** her” and I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic snd this sick feeling in my stomach and this terrible feeling in my heart but I also go this groinal response that felt like arousal and I’m so scared because it felt like I could do it snd that I could picture it and now my heart aches tremendously and feels heavy and I know that this cannot be what I want because these things used to repulse me. Please someone tell me that this is not who I am. Why did I feel that strong overwhelming feeling and why did I feel aroused. Oh god I hate this so much. I know I don’t like my friend at all in any way like that. So why did it feel like I could do these things. This makes me so sad snd I hate it
And then my mind says “just find a guy and you can learn to be happy but you won’t truly be” and I hate that too. I’ve never in my whole life ever wanted these things at all. So why is all of this happening. Please someone tel me this is not who I am. I don’t want this for myself
And just again.... I’m looking at tik tok and there was a girl with a supper skinny and toned waist. Something that I have always wanted to have but don’t. And my mind said “you want to feel her abs” and then it felt like I did and I felt terrible and then I tried to think of if I felt that way wo to a guy and it felt the same. And now my heart aches because it feels that same, like I would actually do these things when I know I don’t want to. Why is this happening.
You seem tormented by your thoughts.  Truly, everyone has thoughts.  Everyone has wacko thoughts sometimes.  I've told this story before that my completely reasonable, highly intelligent work colleague told me when she went to the grocery store she got stressed out because as she picked the oranges to buy, she felt like the others were sad and upset she didn't pick them.  She was dead serious and it caused her angst.  So, know that all people have irrational thinking from time to time.  

Worst case scenario, you find out down the road that you are gay or bi.  That's not so bad.  :>)  Many people are.  

But what concerns me is all the fretting and anxiety you are suffering.  What are you doing about that?  Would you be able to talk to a therapist?  I don't know your age but you sound young.  LOTS of young people have anxiety and teens normally talk to a therapist by themselves so you could broach this subject without any parents involved.  You also should be mindful of good mental health being associated with overall taking care of yourself.  Good sleep, eating well and exercise which is a natural stress reliever.  You could look into things like the Calm app or Head Space (another app) which are really excellent for guiding meditation and relaxing.  You could distract yourself when the tension is mounting and you are having anxiety overdrive.  Go to activities to just not go there in your head.  But professional help is always the best idea.  
I just don’t want that worst case scenario. I don’t want this at all
I’m 21 years old, I have talked with my parents about it and they told me they love me no matter what, snd I believe that they do but it still did nothing to ease the anxiety because I don’t think it has anything to do with society or my parents or anything. All my life I’ve only felt attraction or crushed on boys. So why is my brain making me feel like I could want these things now. I hate it so much it causes my heart to ache tremendously. It makes me so sad because I don’t feel like myself snd. Know I don’t want these things for myself. So why is this happening
Avatar universal
I assume you're in therapy, as you say you've been diagnosed.  Is that true?  You're thinking yourself to a tizzy.  Again, if you are gay or bi, as Mom says, so what?  More fun, I guess.  If you're not, fine too.   But this wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a fear about being gay, and that fear is there because society has said for so long it's a bad thing.  If you're not in therapy, you really really need to be.  Meditation might be of help to you.  Sex isn't the only thing in life, but it is pretty important.  When we're young it takes up a large amount of our thinking.  That's just life.  So again, the problem isn't that you have these thoughts, it's that they bother you this much.  Peace.
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I just don’t want that though. I don’t want the “maybe you are so what”. It has nothing to do with what society has done either. I have friends who are gay and bisexual and I have always fully supported them. They are amazing people and I don’t think of them differently because of who they are. I don’t think has nothing to do with society or anything like that at allI don’t want these things at all.  I am in therapy I just have been so busy with school snd work that I haven’t been able to make another appointment. I have been diagnosed with severe ocd. It bothers me because I don’t want this. But my mind keeps making me think that I do snd it feels so real sometimes I hate it. I’m 21 years old. As a child I never even thought about any of this. I knew I liked boys. I can remember crushing on boys in grade school and middle school. One of my friends came out my freshman year of high school and I never thought twice or questioned myself. I had a boyfriend all through high school snd I loved him so much. I danced as well so I have spent most of my life changing in dressing rooms in front of girls and never once did I ever feel any sexual attraction to anyone of them ever. So why is my brain making me feel like I am now or making me think all of these crazy things. I hate this all. I can’t think of anything without my heart aching about it. I just want to be happy again and sure of my self like I was before all of this.
You are going over and over about this.  If you don't want it, don't do it.  But if you were born gay, which you clearly weren't, but are believing you were, you'd be gay.  Wouldn't matter if you wanted it or not.  If you're tall and want to be short, ain't gonna happen.  If you can't accept who you are, you need to get that therapy.  It's important if you don't want to spend you entire life going around and around on this phobia you have about being gay.  Because again, that doesn't actually matter.  What matters is your thoughts are bothering you this much.  Now, we can keep saying this, and I know what it's like because I'm an anxiety sufferer and I understand.  But you're young and the young are very adaptable, but not if you don't try.  You are talking about things that don't matter, like crushing and dressing rooms.  Your actions tell you who you are.  Your thoughts are the wondrous doings of the imaginative mind.  When your therapy convinces you of this it will stop.  Peace.
It’s almost as if my mind is trying to force me to believe something that I know isn’t true and it doesn’t feel right at all. It doesn’t make any sense. One minute I’ll be fine, then the next I’m not. It’s so back and forth all of the time. My mind keeps saying things like “you feel attraction” or “you could be okay with these things” and I hate it. It feels so real like the thoughts are true but then my heart aches because I know I don’t want these things. But even though I know I don’t want these things i still feel this numbness in my chest that makes it feel like these things are actually happening or real. Like I’ll have a moment of clearing and my mind is like “wtf is going on like why you know this don’t true.” But then the next minute I’ll be fine and then my brain is like “you feel attraction, you know it don’t you. You know that’s what you feel.” And then it feels like I have that feeling. Idk of it makes any sense but it’s almost as if my mind is saying things and then because I’m thinking about it my mind thinks I feel attraction when I don’t?? Idk if that makes any sense but I hate it so much. I don’t want these things at all but every time I say that it feels like denial or like I’m lying to myself and then that makes my heart ache tremendously because I don’t want these things at all. Why is this happening. God just stop please
And what if I find out this is who I am. What if my whole life has been a lie. That’s what it feels like right now snd all I can do is cry. Saying that I needs to accept who I am makes me think that this is all true and that I cannot accept it. I don’t want it to be true, I don’t want these thoughts. I don’t want any of this. I know this is not me. So why is my mind stuck on trying to convince me or makes me feel like I am or could be. I hate this. The urges snd anxiety make it so much worse. God I just want it to stop. I feel like therapy won’t ever work. I feel like a lost cause. I feel like I will never be happy again
It’s like my mind won’t just let go of the thoughts. Clearly I don’t like them or want them, so why won’t they just go away. I don’t want these thoughts or things. I don’t want to accept that these thoughts are who I am. Why can’t my brain just accept that. It’s the constant doubt that is terrible. It makes it impossible to move past all of this and just forget about it.
Someone just followed me on snap and was like “you’re hot” and my mind keeps making me feel like I liked it or whatever but I know I felt  super uncomfortable and blocked the person but now my mind keeps telling me I liked it or something when all it did was make me feel uncomfortable and has caused me a **** tone of anxiety. Why did this have to happen
Like right now my mind keeps telling me that I want to do all this **** with my one friend snd I get this urge feeling that feels like I would and this thought that feels so intrusive. I know I would never ever want this **** I don’t even feel attraction at all. But my brain keeps making me feel like this is who I am when I know I’m not. I just want it to stop
Like my mind is saying “ it wouldn’t be that bad” and right now it feels like maybe it would like It or could actually do these things and it makes my heart ache tremendously. It feels like I just need to accept this is who I am when I know I don’t want to do these things. I get this right feeling in my chest. But my mind tells me this is all real and I just can’t let it go when all I want to do is forget about it. But now I’m stuck dwelling on the fact that I had a thought and didn’t feel repulsed just anxiety and I hate it. I hate this. I just want to go away and never come back. Like right now I think of the thought, and I get this pang of emotion that is overwhelming and feels like anxiety but my mind tells me it’s sexual excitement or something and I hate that. I know I don’t like this things but because I don’t feel as repulsed it feels like I could actually do them when I know I don’t. The thoughts feel so real that it feels like I could actually want them and it makes my heart ache tremendously. I hate all of this so so much
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