Avatar universal

Is this hocd or not

Hi I am a 19 year old girl in college, i have always identified as straight and always was obsessed with boys. i remember boy crushes ever since i was little and if i liked a girl it wasnt in a “want to be with her” it was more like i wanted to be her or like she’s my idol. I was a very shy girl and didn’t have the courage to kiss guys or date. I was so new but i knew i still liked guys. So dating and all that wasn’t my important thing to me. So i never really dated or had a lot of guys friends. But I still knew i like guys and had hope in the future.
I recently in 2020, in the summer decided to go for it and actually try dated this guy i really liked! Like i said this was all new to me and i didn’t really know like what was right bc it was my first relationship. I kissed him and cared for him and put all my effort into him. I was leaving to college but we were so close and he promised to visit me and make this work, i was a little hesitant but i was so in love with him. He later, broke my heart and left me on read and broke up with me. I still don’t really know why, and i pushed all of my feelings kinda back, bc i didn’t really know how to react. I just pushed through and just focused on college and never really put in the thoughts of the breakup. In October I went into quarantine, and one random day, had the thought of What if i was bisexual, i was freaking out and panicking everyday. I freaked out and all the sudden hated boys?! i didn’t like to imagine anything with them and i was trying to tell myself i was healing but it just kept putting thoughts and images of being with a girl, and when i really think about imagining a girl in bed or kissing or anything i cringed! I would panick everyday and constantly fight those thoughts. It made them stronger and more believable, I was so hurt by guys that my mind didn’t want me to imagine it anymore. It distorted everything in my past and future. I was embarrassed to tell my friends bc i was scared they would have told me i am, and i am the one in denial now. I kept thinking i wasn’t and i’m not but, my mind kept saying you are you are. I remember when i was young and i would look at lesbian porn just out of curiosity, but it never questioned my sexuality at that time bc i always knew that i wanted to be with a guy! I started doubting if i really did like guys and that i was just faking it and hiding that i want to be with girls. But every time i would try to imagine it, it would quickly stop or i would cringe and have anxiety about it. Now in January 2021 I have been on and off with it. Some days i’m confident that i don’t like girls and these are just intrusive thoughts, but other days i’m doubting and i’m believing that it’s gonna happen and that i’m in denial and that i lying to myself and that i’m straight but hiding that i really like girls. The thoughts used to freak me out so bad in the beginning, now it has become so common that like now i’m confused that maybe i do like it after all? But i don’t want to!! But now it’s like wait... And just confuses me!!! I’ve tried to accept the thoughts but that only lasts so long, i’ve tried to force myself to be bi and like it. but then i’m like no i want to be with a guy! but i don’t? And I’ve tried so many things to get the thought out of my head but i can’t even look at any girls or it triggers in my head all these thoughts of checking them out!! Sometimes i feel like i have crushes but it’s so weird and new to me i don’t know if they are real or not!! I just wanna go back to just liking boys but i can’t even picture what before or like how i felt bc i don’t know anymore. Sometimes i feel like i actually like girls but like i would never date or kiss any. But it feels like urges and that i’m suppressing what i’m feeling!! But i know like in the past if i saw a girl in a bikini that i wouldn’t be triggered or afraid i would want to be her and be her friend. But know i have doubts and images and scenarios and feelings that i would like this stuff and that i should just try it bc dating boys is so much harder. It’s like my mind completely shut out boys and wants to explore girls. But i know i don’t want to but it questions it and i feel like i give in to the thoughts. I ask everyone i know if i am bi and they say no you have always been straight and your just dealing with intrusive thoughts, but they are becoming more urging and believable now that i actually want to do them. I just want the thoughts to go but i feel as they are changing me, bc now in class or at my school every girl i look at i get anxious and nervous and anxiety, but my mind tells me that this is just new and i’m going to start dating girls and to just forget guys. But like it’s weird bc i hate guys but then i don’t but then i don’t like picture kissing them or having sex for some reason. My mind i feel just has ptsd bc that’s how my old boy used me. So now i’m doubting if i even liked kissing boys or like making out with them. So idk if this is hocd or not but i still have a dream or vision to marry a boy and have a family but then it gets thoughts that i won’t ever find a boy that loves me and that will continue to be interested in me. I have lost all hope and my mind tells me that i’m going to have to date girls and that i like them. Can someone help me? I did start going to therapy and they are positive i have hocd bc i would keep looking for reassurance from friends and my mom and i would also look online at hocd but i feel like i’m denying myself bc my mind just doesn’t want to date guys anymore... and after one relationship i like can’t do it anymore? Idk if i’m just in a long healing phase or i’m realizing i don’t like guys? idk can someone help?
4 Responses
Avatar universal
Also sorry if it get confusing and words that don’t make sense
Avatar universal
By the way i would always fantasize about guys and getting into a relationship. Now i can’t bc everytime it puts in a girl in the image. I also doubt if i am masculine or my style in clothes or things i say give off bisexual vibes. i Just want to forget all these thoughts and just go back to knowing and not doubting anything.
Avatar universal
ALSO: my family has had a history with have anxiety and overthinking. I have always been an overthinker, but i have never been diagnosed with Ocd, that’s why i have doubt it is, but it’s possible i have anxiety, but these thoughts make me believe that’s who i am and what i want and i’m lying to myself.
Avatar universal
Your main problem is you have an anxiety problem.  HOCD is just a label, and the more you attach that label to yourself the more you can start to believe it applies.  The reason the term exists is the centuries we've been through of persecution of those who were gay, and that will take a long time to go away.  So we all start out with a bias against gays, and even gay people suffer with this, because it makes it much harder to be gay than to be straight.  It's a phobia a lot of people have, because we all have lots and lots of thoughts but we usually don't take them all that seriously.  When you obsess over one, you've got a phobia.  Whether you're gay or bi or straight isn't the issue, because that will be what it will be and your actions will determine that.  If you've reached the age of 19 and have never been gay you probably aren't.  But if you were, so what?  The so what is, you have a bias against being gay, which we all do, and the thought stuck with you because you have developed an anxiety problem.  Your therapist can help you with this assuming your therapist treats anxiety.  Not all do.  HOCD isn't really OCD, it's obsessive thinking, and all anxiety problems involve obsessive thinking or nobody would have one.  I mean, if we're able to just let things go, no anxiety problem, right?  That's the main thing you want to learn how to do.  What most likely happened is, when people break up, often the one who didn't initiate the breakup gets really insecure, and starts to question things about themselves.  Why did this happen?  What did I do?  What's wrong with me?  What actually happens is, humans are cruel and fickle sometimes, and sometimes one person thinks something is a lot more than the other person does.  You got rejected, and you got upset, and wondered what was wrong with you.  Usually this happens first at a younger age than you're at, but it always hurts no matter how old or young one is to be rejected romantically.  Your sexuality will take care of itself.  Your anxiety problem and your insecurity problem needs some help.  Peace.  
HOCD is a real thing. It falls under the subset of OCD. It you are constantly questioning your sexuality and having intrusive thoughts followed by compulsions, then you have HOCD.  I would recommend going to https://jackieleasommers.com/2013/10/20/interview-with-a-former-hocd-sufferer/. It tells the story of a former HOCD suffer and she has all the symptoms you have. It really helped with my hocd and I liked how she didn't mention that it is ok if you turn up gay or bi because everyone seems to say that. To clarify, if you are in denial, you would know deep down that you are gay. There wouldn't be any doubt, like an hocd suffer has. Since I am going through the same thing, let me know how you are doing.
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