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My Last Hope

Hi everyone,

I am a 22 year old, heterosexual woman and I'm experiencing a lot of really troubling thoughts over the past few months. I've been sexually active since I was 18, and I never really felt comfortable with either of my two boyfriends. I wondered, "maybe I don't particularly enjoy this because I am a lesbian?" Three of my cousins are gay/lesbian and I remember thinking "my whole family probably thinks I'm the next lesbian." I remember instances where I was a little girl and I would fantasize about a woman in distress (a man would be in the fantasy), and I remember being attracted to breasts. However, I only had crushes on guys all of my life, and I never wanted to explore having any relations with a woman. One day, a few months ago, I was watching TV and I saw a scene where a woman was portrayed rather sexually, and I remember feeling slightly attracted. I had feelings like this before, which bothered me to have but I ignored. I felt even worse because I am in a new relationship with a guy I care a lot about, but I still didn't feel comfortable sexually. I felt my life spiraling downhill because I didn't want this life for myself, and I felt like I had no control over my thoughts.

It all got worse when I tried watching porn for the first time in an effort to boost my understanding of sex. I watched a few (including two girls, which I did think was attractive), but the one that really made me upset was with two guys and a girl. I saw the girl, and I remembered feeling sorry for her, and that if I was her, I would hate it. Then, I saw the guy and felt slightly jealous that guys seem to enjoy sex and are more easily aroused. Somehow, something in my mind snapped and I started to think that I was transgender. I felt like I was actually dying. I even had to stay home from work the next day because I had a full-blown panic attack. I felt awful when I thought I was a lesbian, but I felt even worse when I started getting these thoughts about turning into a guy. I keep picturing undergoing gender reconstruction surgery, and its the same terrifying image over and over. I can't even look at myself in the mirror or listen to my name without feeling upset because my thoughts are so overwhelming that they basically convince me that I'm supposed to be a guy. It's nearly impossible to maintain the normal life that I once had, and I've even had feelings of hopelessness/thoughts of suicide. I can't go on like this.

I recently just started therapy and medication for OCD/anxiety, but I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose my mind or end up like a psychopath. My thoughts constantly tell me that I'm somehow in denial of my "true identity," and things that I enjoy, such as painting my nails and going shopping are no longer an option for me. I even felt like I was a danger to society, as I was getting horrifying images of me killing people. I just wanted to know if anyone can understand from where I'm coming, I really don't know what to believe about myself anymore.
3 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there....you sound very much like classic OCD.  HOCD to transOCD...taking a thought to the nth degree and catastrophizing it (i.e., gender reconstruction surgery).  OCD takes us all over the place.  We sometimes get stuck on some thoughts and other times we are whipping through them like pages on a book.  I'm glad you have started therapy.  Listen to the therapist.  They have heard this all before.  They will give you strategies to help your panic and you need to practice them.  The better you get at these strategies the quicker the thoughts will go away.  
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there....you sound very much like classic OCD.  HOCD to transOCD...taking a thought to the nth degree and catastrophizing it (i.e., gender reconstruction surgery).  OCD takes us all over the place.  We sometimes get stuck on some thoughts and other times we are whipping through them like pages on a book.  I'm glad you have started therapy.  Listen to the therapist.  They have heard this all before.  They will give you strategies to help your panic and you need to practice them.  The better you get at these strategies the quicker the thoughts will go away.  
Avatar universal
Thanks for your response! I'm so unsure as to my true feelings. I've never questioned my gender, and the fact that I'm doing so because of my uncomfort with sex is unnerving. Hopefully this is really OCD, because some days I feel as though I'm just lying to myself and I was never meant to be a woman.
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