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OCD mixed with real events? I cant take it anymore? TW*

For the past few months I have had such obsessive thinking about a particular situation from when I was young. I ruminate every second so hard to the point I feel brain dead. Here's what I remember: When I was 13-14 I remember getting the vague idea to "touch" or get near as possible to my smaller cousin's 6-7 privates for some reason. We were sitting with my family watching a movie and there was a blanket between me and my smaller cousin. I remember sliding my hand next to the couch and I bumped my hand into the side of her leg slowly (Not privates). She noticed my hand and then wrapped her hand around mine as she probably thought I wanted her to hold it. The second occurrence which pains me was when we were laying next to each other going to sleep. I moved my hand and it hit the side of her leg and she noticed and wrapped her hand around mine (Again not privates). When I did that I felt so stupid and told myself do not try dumb stuff like this, and I wondered how she knew so easily where my hand was.

That is how I remember it from 6 years ago I am pretty sure.
Here comes the obsessiveness, I often am on my bed trying to recreate the situation as I feel I might have misremembered, moving my hand trying to see how it really happened. I spend every minute of every day going through online posts, recreating the situation and ruminating. Every second my mind is occupied, I will go over it over and over and over and its killing me. I have had similar worries about other things which I exaggerated over and over. I feel like I need to "check" with my hand to recreate the situation by moving it through a blanket. I search up stories related to abuse constantly. I ruminate over and over and repeat the same phrases in my head. I just want someone to tell me if this sounds like ocd?, or maybe I deserve this? Help  );
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Avatar universal
You were still a kid yourself. Was it one of those OCD impulses, where it feels like a real impulse? Sometime i have an impulse to do an action, like squeeze my legs together, or hold the steering wheel a certain way and it freaks me out because it feels like it isnt me.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Ideally you should see a psychologist so that you can be properly diagnosed.  Is this a possibility for you?
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