Obsessive thoughts that I might have been raped while blackout drunk

[Magic23141]

I’m 19 years old and I’m having terrible obsessive thoughts about an event that happened two years ago. So back when I was in high school, my parents were out of town and I stupidly throw a party. I got insanely wasted. I passed out around 10 pm or 11 pm and woke up at 4 am. My friend and her boyfriend carried me to my bed in my room when I passed out. I understand how stupid I was (and disrespectful to my parents and their house) and I don’t get drunk anymore.

Anyway, when I woke up these guys I know kept telling me that some random guy c*ck slapped me when I was drunk. I don’t know if this true. I asked one of the guys about it recently and he said that the guy told them that I had asked him to c*ck slap me and then he said that the guy was in there for literally 20 seconds, and he doesn’t think anything happened since he was in there for so short. I didn’t really think much of it until about 6 months ago. I knew it was gross and counted as sexual assault but I didn’t think it was a big deal. If I knew for certain that this is all that happened to me that night, I would be able to accept it.

About 6 months ago, I was watching a show where a girl got raped when she was drunk and it completely made me start obsessing over this night. I’m now so scared that I didn’t just possibly get c*ck slapped, but full on raped. This thought never really even entered my mind before because 1. my house is small and it would have been obvious if some random guy was in there with me for a while and 2. my friends said they checked up on me every so often when I was passed out. Still, I CANNOT stop obsessing over this. It kills me how I cannot know for certain. There were a lot of random people who crashed the party and I’m so scared they did something to me. I asked one of my friends who stayed the whole night at the party and he said that there’s no way anything happened. He said it would have been really obvious and word would have gotten around. Either way, I’m still not convinced. I keep obsessing over it and it trying to conclude that nothing happened but I can’t.

My anxiety has gotten worse in the past year. Back when the party happened, I hardly had anxiety and even when I thought about being blacked out that night, being raped didn’t cross my mind. Does this mean that nothing happened? I’m not sure if I’m being rational or not. I really need help. I don’t know how to get passed this. I’ve felt sick all day just thinking of it. I know I should see someone but I still live with my parents and they don’t know the details of how drunk I was that night so I can’t tell them. Also I should add, I don’t remember being sore at all after that night and if I had gotten raped I would have been sore, right?

I just can’t stop obsessing and trying to find out details from something that happened two years ago, it’s insane. I’ve drifted apart from one of my friends who was at the party and I’m considering messaging her and asking even if we’re not friends anymore but I don’t know if I should. Please help.

Whenever I’m in a more rational mood, I don’t think anything happened to me but this doesn’t last long and then I start worrying and obsessing again.